Still true…

New Year’s Day today, and I found myself re-reading this…one of my first blog posts…5yrs ago, but I could have written it this week. The same heartaches exist, maybe even more frequently now. 💔 I thought I would re-share in case like me, you need to read this again! Know that I see you… you are not an awful parent, your child is not a monster, your situation is not without hope. You are both loved! And there is light in the darkness!

No, you’re not alone!

No, you’re not alone…and no, those are not the worst stories I’ve ever heard.

I’m realizing that I need to say this more often than I do. I know I have been given the privilege as a doctor, but also as a mom, or a friend, to hear people’s stories…to enter into a very private place in their world…with their words and their stories to enter into their homes…to their high emotions, their fears…

I have long accepted that the Lord has given me my own stories with my own boys, in our home, in our hearts and in our fears, so that when I am listening to a story…hard stories…I can nod and truly understand, instead of trying to hold my face into a nonjudgmental look allowing them to go on. I am always hoping that in my face, in my eyes, they can see that I know…that I see the beautiful child in front of us…that I know they are not terrible parents…that inside both of them, the child and the parent, there is a deep relationship waiting to be brought back, to be nurtured again, to be filled with laughter and peace, instead of the painful cycle that has evolved of frustration and impatience and yelling and defeated giving in out of sheer exhaustion.

Sometimes these are terrible stories. My heart breaks to hear over and over again the words of suicidal thoughts…sometimes real, sometimes used to manipulate when frustrated, defeated kids have no other way of expressing their desire for help and understanding. Sometimes they are shocking stories filled with impulsive actions, with knives or saws or fists or hammers…they may have been using them in appropriate ways–working on a project, putting away dishes from the dishwasher, but then something snapped…someone said something that frustrated them, that hit a hot button in them, and instead of logically stepping away or thinking it through or seeing it from the other person’s vantage point, they felt anxious and out of control and couldn’t find that front part of their brain full of executive functioning, and instead they acted from the back, the fight or flight, and that knife, that saw, that fist, was now aimed inappropriately…

In these moments, yes, my heart is breaking, and yes, somewhere inside I am shocked, or used to be shocked. But, now, after hearing so many similar stories in my office, or from friends brave enough to share the real happenings in their homes, or yes, from inside my own home, I know…and I have seen how quickly these things can happen–how quickly things escalate from seemingly small things…

…one more homework problem that feels like a GIANT ticking time clock stealing away precious “playtime” on a school night;

…one seemingly innocent “helpful” comment, “don’t forget to put your snack in your backpack” that instead feels like another WEIGHT on the back of a day full of “helpful” suggestions reminding him again that he can’t do it right or on his own;

…or one more misinterpreted tone of voice that snuck out of an exhausted, overwhelmed, out-of-ideas-to-help parent that became a BLARING stab of disapproval to a hyper focused beaten down self esteem of an inner child desperately seeking the loving cheerleader voice from her parents…

I know that these are the moments when chaos ensues and somewhat normal nights turn into terrible nightmare moments that cause us to think, “Is this really happening?” “Is this really my child?” “Did those words really just come out of my mouth?” And in panic and reactionary thinking, we often do enter into the dark snowball of fight or flight reactions.

Then, as the dust settles, we are able to make it through, and maybe even sleep. And maybe even move on to another day that hopefully goes better, maybe even without blow-ups. But, then those same kinds of triggers return and it is all happening again. And we wonder, “Is this really happening?” “Is this ever going to get better?”

These are usually the nights when Brandon and I have fallen into bed, barely speaking, still reeling from the effects of all that may have happened in one of these out of control moments…

…and in my weakness, my desperation to be known and understood…instead of seeking comfort in the One who knows us and who made us and who desperately loves us…

…instead of praying, I am searching on the internet for others who can give me some comfort, who have been through this, who can bring hope…I search “Christian mom of ADHD”, “parenting ADHD or anxiety or anger or…

Many times I have not found much. I’ve often told friends that there seem to be so many blogs about autism or parenting autism…and there are… so many great ones. Maybe it’s easier to write about the sweet innocence that is often present in our autistic kids, even in the midst of frustration. Unfortunately, I think the parents of ADHD, anxiety/anger, executive function difficulties are too busy reeling and recovering to have time to write about their experiences…

So, this is my hope, and my prayer, and my resolve…

To say more often that next step, as yes, I am listening without a face of judgment, and with eyes of understanding and empathy and love for the beautiful hearts inside these tired, fearful, and often isolated parents and children…

To say, “No, you are not alone. And no, those are not the worst stories I have ever heard. And no, I don’t think your child is awful. And no, I don’t think it is your parenting that has caused this.”

No, you are not alone.

When our oldest son was still a toddler, the Lord placed it on our hearts to give him a verse…

We kept repeating the verse to him over and over again; telling him it was his verse. We would say it at bedtime. We would pray it over him. We would write it in chalk on the sidewalk in front of our house. And one day when he was still little, maybe three years old, we started to say it and he finished the rest! We knew it was in his heart. Now today, at 10 years old, it hangs over his bed at night. It is still a frequent prayer of ours for him. It is spoken over him when he is fearful as he falls asleep. It is prayed on nights before big or new events, which are always anxiety provoking for him. It is whispered to him if we see a look in his eye, a moment of fear or hesitation…

It is his reminder that, “No, you are not alone.” And yes, you are so, so loved.

Keenan’s verse is this…

Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be dismayed (or worried); for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Before Jude was born…before we even knew the challenges he would face, the Lord laid on our hearts a verse for him. In his difficulties with speech and language, he doesn’t always understand it fully and can’t yet recite it, although he does know some of its parts. We still know this is the verse given for him. We wrote it on the back of the helmet he had to wear as an infant to help his head grow the right way. We still pray it over him before new or big situations, just like Keenan’s. And probably more frequently, we pray it to ourselves, as we are preparing for something new or difficult in his autism journey.

It is his reminder, and our reminder, that, “No, you are not alone.” And yes, you are so, so loved.

Jude’s verse is this…

Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed (or worried), for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

When we found out we were pregnant with Luke, this time we prayed for the Lord to give us a verse for him. I came across this one, with so many of the same reminders and promises of the other boys’. It has been written on the head of Luke’s bed to help him remember as he is falling asleep, frequently fighting the toddler battles of monsters and other unknown shadows in the darkness of the nights. We pray it over him, and we watch the many ways the Lord uses this verse in all of our lives.

It is his reminder, and ours, that, “No, you are not alone.” And yes, you are so, so loved.

Luke’s verse is this…

Deuteronomy 31:8 “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed (or worried).”

I hope and pray that whenever you need a tangible reminder that, “No, you are not alone,” the Lord will lead you here to these words He is speaking through me, as I bathe them in prayer for you. And you will be comforted. And you will feel that you are known and understood…And that I am cheering for you. And we will walk this together!

No, you are not alone.

My best “pre-game” advice for your next IEP meeting…

For anyone with an upcoming IEP meeting…here is my best advice (mostly as mom, maybe a little pediatrician thrown in 😉)

“Pre-game”:

#1 Have a team of friends/family members or whomever you have in your life who “gets it”, be praying for your meeting—both beforehand, during, and after; or at least who promises to just KNOW you are going through it and who promises to be thinking about you during the meeting, and be available for you after the meeting, IF you feel like talking about it.

#2 Think of EVERY possible great thing you love about your kid! EVERY strength they have! EVERY way you’ve seen them grow over the past year…even if it’s in the babiest of steps! ❤️ And KEEP those thoughts forefront in your mind for the full 24 hrs before as you eat, sleep, breathe, dream, AND during the actual meeting…especially when assessment test scores are being spewed into the air! 😉 Always remember, your kid is definitely NOT just a number!

#3 Try to think about questions you have for the team, goals you may have for your kids—academically, socially, or personally. And believe the best of your team before going in—that they want your kid to do well and succeed too! And always remember YOU, as the parent, are an expert part of the team as well!!! Finally WRITE DOWN these questions/goals, so you don’t forget them the day of the meeting.

#4 Try to schedule the meeting itself for a time when you don’t have to jump back into real life immediately following the meeting. If you do have to go back to work or back to parenting, try to schedule at least a half hour or hour of breathing/processing time. Unfortunately, you may come out RAW! The often sad, hard nature of these meetings is having to focus on the deficits in order to create the goals. It is another form of grief that hits you right between the eyes sometimes if you aren’t ready for it! It’s ok to have ANY emotion afterward, or even ALL of them all jumbled up—sad, mad, angry, exhausted, thankful, blessed, encouraged—rotate and repeat!! 😜

#5 Prepare physically—get enough sleep the night before, eat something beforehand and avoid too much coffee! 😬 Wear waterproof mascara and put some tissues in your pocket just in case! 😘

“Game Day!” 🏅

#6 Walk in confidently and joyfully! Remember, YOU are a very valuable member of the team. Your voice matters! And even more importantly, your kid MATTERS!! 🥰 He or she is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139). You and the team may just have to work extra hard to figure out what makes him/her “tick”, and what supports he/she may need to be at their best, to learn the way their brains prefer/need to learn, and to translate to the team what their behaviors may be saying/screaming/shouting! All kids want to do their best “when they are able to!” (Pediatrician brain talking here…) The longer I work with kids/families, the more I think the traditional way we have done school for years on end, really only fits easily for a small percentage of kiddos!! All the rest need a little tweaking to make it their own! ❤️ (And hats off to education researchers who are discovering all of these different ways to learn/teach!)

“Post-game” 😅

#7 The next time you see your beautiful kiddo—whether at the school or at home, take an extra minute to hug them/love them/celebrate them/really see them! They are a gift! They may be a little trickier to figure out sometimes and might not always feel like a gift 😜, but they are a gift! And they need you to see them, and be for them, and to know you are in their corner. 😍

#8 When you have a minute, circle back to someone on your own team (see #1) to let them know how it went—good or bad. Let them love on you a little! Hopefully, if you’ve found the right “someone”, they will just “sit with you in it” for a bit, and let you unpack it and process it, or rejoice with you if it went well. 🎉

And if you don’t have a “someone who gets it,” please know that I get it!! This pediatrician mama “gets it” more than you know!! 💟 I see you. I see your kiddo. I see you both trying so hard. I see the mistakes, the heartbreaks, and the tiny little wins!! And I will be celebrating my heart out with you as we string those wins together!! 🎉💜🎉 You are not alone…and you’ve got this!!! 🙏🏻 (And I will be praying the Lord brings into your life a “someone who gets it”!)

Psalm 31:7
[7] I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul…” ✝️

P.s. Feel free to share WIDELY with anyone who may need to read this!! It would be my honor!

3 Squirrelly Boys… Front Row at Church, Baby!?!

If any of you suddenly just felt terrified for me as you read that title, you are my people, and I am yours! 

But it WASN’T terrifying this time, and that’s what I’ve been thinking about for the past couple of days…

(Spoiler alert–it’s not because the boys were perfectly behaved either!)

I’m not sure why it is in so many things, and especially in parenting, that we think we have to know how to get it right perfectly right from the get-go? Why do we put that pressure on ourselves? I remember those days vividly when our oldest was little. I mean, I’m a pediatrician, right? I know it all! This is going to be a breeze! HA! And then the color of his hair grew in… fiery red!? (For all of you redheads out there, please know we LOVE you! AND, I’ve never yet met a redhead who didn’t have a bit of spunk or fire in them!) Right from the start we knew he was a leader. Have you ever heard those words spoken about your child? All the euphemisms–“spirited”, “full of energy,” “so creative,” “always thinking of something new”? They are all true words and descriptions, but sometimes you can just tell the speaker is really trying to communicate something else!

Anyway, we knew right away, even with all the head knowledge I had, this one was going to keep us on our knees, constantly seeking wisdom.  Fast forward 4 years, and here came another unique boy with his own challenges–and more feelings of “I don’t know how to do this.”  Then 20mos later, boy #3–who unlike our other two, was born with hair right away…and guess what color?!  Yep, redhead #2–perhaps even feistier than #1!   

Those are fun ways to describe our unique three boys, and yet, along the way, it didn’t always feel that fun.  I remember so many times early on, just feeling EXHAUSTED, and overwhelmed with trying to “make them” behave or do the right thing, or fit into the mold we were trying to live in.  I remember seeing other families with kids who sat so still and quiet, listening intently in church, or came right away when their parents called them and told them it was time to leave the park.  I remember realizing there were families who could get to places on time…or even EARLY!?! How was that even possible?? And I remember feeling so much pressure… (which as I look back with my now 50 year old eyes, I realize was likely mostly self-inflicted!)

I’m going to fast forward to this past Sunday, and then I’ll go back to unpack how we were so blessed to get to this place.  Last Sunday was the first weekend back home after several weekends in a row ending our glorious summer at our cabin, which meant we had not physically been to church in maybe a month–only instead listening to church on the way home from the cabin (one wonderful benefit that has come from all these COVID related changes–church being recorded and viewable later!)  I’ll back up and say, I do think our boys love the Lord on some level—different for each one of them.  They know He is real.  They have grown up with us going to church every week, talking about Him, reading about Him in His Word, and doing life with friends who love the Lord too (more on that later).  But that does not mean they jump out of bed, excited to get dressed in their best clothes and are in the car waiting for us 20 minutes before it’s time to go on Sunday mornings! And this morning was no different.  We were out of practice going to church.  And all Christians know that Sundays are PRIME times for crazy arguments and raised voices trying to get a bunch of sinners in need of grace out the door, into the car, and headed to church on time! It may be ugly along the way, but we are going to get there! 

To make it even harder, there was the threat of rain.  Our church, thankfully during COVID, has had the second service outside whenever the weather is nice.  It is a beautiful setting, right on a lake, so peaceful and fun, with lots of room to spread out on the lawn–perfect for our 3 squirrelly boys! But because of the possibility of rain in the forecast, the service had to be pushed inside.  And because mom is a pediatrician, and because our two youngest boys are not yet eligible for the vaccine, I made them wear masks–which they understood and wore willingly, but because our church is beautifully growing and bursting at the seams in our quickly-becoming-tiny sanctuary, it was hot!  One more reason for them to be uncomfortable and mad at mom and dad. Oh, and by the way, there is a lunch after service that we are staying for… “MOM!?!”  So…it was in that setting that we walked inside the doors of our beloved church…late, of course…and guess which seats were open??  

FRONT ROW, baby!! So, we filed in… during the middle of announcements…and we even realized that there weren’t enough seats when we got up there, so they would have to share… 

But we are blessed.  And we are loved.  We have spent years building communion and beautiful friendships with other believers who want nothing more than to love and worship Christ, and to love and build up each other!  So many of these friends go to our same church with us now.  Some of our church friends and our pastor here are new in our lives.  But we have quickly gotten to know him too.  And he loves us, and he loves our boys…JUST AS CHRIST loves us–in all of our imperfections!  So, when our worship leader’s wife–also our friend–saw there weren’t enough seats, she whispered, “move our things, you can sit in our seats,” we felt loved and accepted.  And when our middle son, who is on the autism spectrum, and can’t always stay in one place for a long time, and sometimes just needs to sit on the floor to work on his 500 count Dot to Dot book while he listens, did just that, we let him.  And when our two reds, who both also have ADHD, sat in their seats and pulled out whatever they had brought in their bags to keep their hands busy so their brains could listen quietly, we let them.  And when our youngest just couldn’t stay in his seat, but instead had to lay down on the floor to read his book, we let him…ALL IN THE FRONT ROW!  EXPOSED!

And it wasn’t terrifying…or horrifying…it was glorious!  You know why?  Because Mommy & Daddy got to worship our hearts out!  Because Mommy & Daddy NEEDED to worship our hearts out–to sing at the top of our lungs, to raise up our arms and to feel God’s presence in the midst of His family and to know we are loved and KNOWN by Him and by our church family.  We NEEDED to be present to hear about and share in the things–good and terrible and hard–that are going on with our church family.  We NEEDED to gather and be built up in order to be sent out again for the week–whether that is across the sea to another country or back into our office spaces or our clinics or our schools!  It’s what our family does.  It’s what our family needs.  We are thankful that although our boys may kick and scream–either literally or figuratively–every week, deep down they know, and they are also comforted in knowing that the Weis family is loved.  This is what we do on Sundays and through the week.  We live in communion with our friends and family, building each other up and encouraging each other along the way. 

So, this is my prayer and my invitation to you.  If the idea of the front row at church–all exposed with less than perfect children in tow is terrifying to you, I am your people!  And I pray that you can find other people locally in your life to also be your people. 

That’s what we did along the way.  We found people we could be imperfect with… together.  When the boys were little, I wrangled them into the car–no matter how ugly the process was, or how late we were when we finally got to the Tuesday morning playdate at the park.  And when they went off to play, I cried with the women who had already been through that stage.  I sought their wisdom and their “tricks”, which weren’t really tricks–just lots of trial and error and prayer and vulnerability–willingness to open ourselves up to each other, admitting imperfection and striving to learn more together.  Instead of getting together with other families for dinner–the hardest part of the day with squirrelly boys and exhausted parents, we realized breakfast/brunch was an easier time to be together–and we wore our pajamas to each other’s houses and we laughed hysterically when the “fancy” egg bake and monkey bread I was trying to “impress them with” caused the smoke alarm to go off and wasn’t really done all the way through by the time we had to eat!?  But we stayed and we weren’t satisfied with small talk.  We asked hard questions and we listened intently, and we texted and prayed throughout the week to let each other know we remembered.  When hard or life changing things happened like surgeries or new babies, or new diagnoses, we brought food, and we did awkward things for each other when we were otherwise helpless in doing them for ourselves (think emptying “pee jars” after surgery!) We didn’t shy away, we moved in closer.  And when the kids got older, we got babysitters and had date nights together, or the moms went on long walks together or the men met for long lunches together or did manly things together (you know, like paintball, or bonfires or cooking bacon together at retreats–so much bacon!?!) 

Little by little, vulnerable moment by vulnerable imperfect moment, we knit our lives and our hearts together, so that one Sunday morning, we could walk into church late, and not just feel ok about sitting in the front row, exposed, but truly feel loved and blessed as we sat there!  Don’t get me wrong, we WILL keep leading and training and shepherding and praying for our boys–with the help of our friends, and our pastors, and our church family as we continue to do life together.  And I KNOW, that when that day comes, when our boys are sitting up straight, belting out the worship songs, or even getting up to be a reader, or to play in the band, or to shout out an announcement about a future youth event, ALL of those friends and pastors, and church family members will rejoice with us, as they see and wonder at what Christ is doing in our boys’ lives & hearts!!  

So, I beg you, friend…take a scary step today.  Invite someone into your messy, imperfect house to play together.  You won’t regret it, I promise. 

Hebrews 10:24-25 “And let us consider how to stir one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

Romans 5:8 “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

John 13:34-35 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

*pic obviously from one of the beautiful outdoor services…even I wasn’t brave enough to take a pic of the front row inside scene! 😉

Never a perfect picture!

Most of you know…I take A LOT of pictures! And I post a lot of pictures. Just recently one of my best friends in San Diego posted on her own FB/Instagram pages a mini blog that completely resonated with me. It is exactly why I take so many pics too. (With her permission, I share her words below.)

Some of my pics are purely just to record fun moments. But some are so much deeper for me, for our family… I have an album in my picture files on my phone. I call it “All the feels.” It is full of those pics that are captured “just after the storms.” I’ll let you read my friend Tasha’s words, and then I will explain more…

“Pictures capture a single moment that is sometimes just perfect. I love taking pictures because I love the hunt. It’s like a treasure to be found. To me, photography is that way, a treasure. It’s crazy how that perfect picture can sometimes magically encapsulate the essence of someone, like you are truly seeing the soul of that person. Or you can say that same thing about a picture of an event or even a photograph of landscape or a single thing in nature. A snapshot can be so beautiful and tell so much. Hence, the saying, ‘a picture is worth a thousand words.’ On the other hand, sometimes you just get lucky with a snapshot of one second in time that actually contradicts what is really happening. It can be so deceiving. You don’t see the hurt, or the bitterness, or the sorrow, or the depression, the frustration or anger, or even the loneliness that is really going on in someone’s heart. The definition of a snapshot is literally ‘a photograph taken quickly.’ It is one single moment within a series of moments, of moments within a series of a day, of a day within a series of days (plural) strung together…and so on and so on…and sometimes that perfect moment captured does not portray what is really going on in a person’s life.
I took a bunch of pictures (as I always do) Christmas day and Christmas “weekend” and some of them, you’ll see here, just capture the right look, at the right time, in the right lighting, and it is just “perfect”. But our family is FAARRR from perfect. My marriage is far from perfect. My friendships are far from perfect. My kids and my relationship with my kids is far from perfect. And I am far from perfect.I think these are great pictures, but keep in mind, it doesn’t reflect a perfect person with a perfect life. Rather, a perfect God who made nature perfect and who made each human being, unique…It reflects the God who made his creation (people and nature) beautiful just the way you will see it here. They are portraits that tell the story of His redeeming love.❤️“

(Before I continue, know that the stories I will share, I share with permission from my family, my friend, and our pastor.)

I resonate with all of Tasha’s words. I love how she describes it as a hunt. I also feel like I am trying to tell a story through my pics. It is our story. Sometimes it comes across on the surface as “picture perfect.” And yet, we are not.

Especially during this time–over the holidays, in the darkest winter months–it is so easy to fall into bouts of dark thinking. We feel like we don’t measure up. As we reflect on the year, we realize our failures more easily than we see the good that has come over the year. Feelings of loneliness are exaggerated, especially as we scroll through social media seeing all of the “perfect” family gatherings that may not look like our own.

But there are stories and imperfections and real life moments behind all of these pics! There is fighting and frustration and grief and regret. My friend admitted that she and her husband almost always get in a big fight right around Christmas time. Are they the only ones? Of course not. Her admission prompted me to share in a reply on her post that guess what? The Weis family actually got into a giant fight WHILE we were holding our candles and singing “Silent Night” as we tried to watch our church’s Christmas Eve service virtually online!? Yep! True story–we were actually yelling and screaming at each other. Pent up frustration from the day, from these crazy times. I don’t actually remember the trigger now, but I know there was unspoken grief and sadness in not being able to be together with our family the way we typically would. And I know that even though our boys wouldn’t voice it outloud, they do also love the tradition that is part of most churches across the world, of ending the Christmas Eve service being allowed the privilege and trust of holding a real live lit candle and singing sweetly in the dark at the end of the service, “Silent Night, Holy Night, All is Calm, All is bright. Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child. Holy infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace…Radiant beams from thy holy face. With the dawn of Redeeming Grace. Jesus, Lord at the birth…Shepherds quake at the sight. Glorious stream from heavens above. Heavenly hosts sing Hallelujah. Christ the Savior is Born!” I also know it is not “normal” to watch the Christmas Eve service online. It was hard to be quiet, especially when they were just being excited kids, who still couldn’t wait for the morning when they would be able to open presents no matter the new and unusual logistics of the 2020 year. And I also know we were overtired parents, feeling our own grief over the strangeness of the year, and the isolation, who desperately wanted to quietly soak in the news of Hope, of our Savior being born, of the comfort of the scriptures. The clashing of these two ideals met in frustrated yelling and pleading, which just “pushed buttons” further, and created louder and louder chaos in a moment that “should have been” full of peace.

And I took pictures… I knew that somehow we would want to remember this night, this time…

And I knew we would want to remember the truth that our pastor had actually preached that night. The theme of his Christmas Eve message just a few minutes before had literally been, “I want you to ask yourselves this question, ‘What was your WORST moment in 2020? Your worst moment as a dad, or a mom, or a wife or a husband…your worst failure, etc.?” Before the yelling and screaming during Silent Night happened, I was instantly thinking about the huge fight that my husband and I had had a few days prior. We had literally sunk to a new depth of low, just DAYS after we had shared (& posted pictures of!) our mountain top 15 year anniversary day date! Real life moments…behind “perfect” pics…

And yet, THIS was the message of Christmas! The message our beloved pastor was sharing on Christmas Eve. We often think, and Christmas carols often sing, “What kind of gifts shall we bring to a king?” We try to polish everything up. We work to try to bring our best. But that is NOT the gospel message. The Christmas message, the gospel message, is that we are able to bring our WORST, and we are able to receive God’s BEST through His gift of Jesus Christ our Savior. He lived the perfect life for us, so that we could RECEIVE HIS BEST! That is the way we honor Him. We don’t have to pretend we have it all together. We honor Him by bringing our real life messy moments and acknowledging that He is enough. His grace is SUFFICIENT. He has done the work, has paid for our sins, so that we can be righteous in God’s sight and be reconciled with Him forever. The messy moments are real. I truly believe, had our computer screen been a two way live connection, that our pastor would have said to us, “Weis family, I see you. I see you in this difficult moment of yelling & screaming at each other even during this singing of Silent Night!? Bring THIS MOMENT to Jesus. Bring your worst, and receive HIS BEST!”

This is why I take so many pics. This is why we share so openly our lives. Some, we know, feel like we share too much. But this is our story! This is our ministry! We want to share the real, the ugly, the messy, so that others may know, it is ok to struggle. It is ok to talk about these things. We are never alone. Our family has felt that isolation in our struggles before. We know the comfort of knowing that HE KNOWS, HE SEES, and HE LOVES us in spite of our imperfections and our struggles. We are blessed to have friends we can call on, or text,or email, in the heat of the moment, to beg for prayer when we are struggling. (We just had to do that yesterday!) The only way we have developed these friendships has been by being real, by sharing openly, and by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. We have been so blessed by these relationships, by “our people” who know us and love us and encourage us just as we are. And it is our family’s greatest desire that we would either be “your people,” or we would encourage you to be brave and take that step of sharing your real story–your real fears, your real failures, your “worst!” with trusted people in your own lives, so that you can find “your people.” Bring your worst to Jesus, so you can receive His best!

I know I will keep taking pics–I will pursue the moments, the hunt! I will keep sharing pics. When life is hard, I need these pics to remind me of the beautiful and peaceful moments that are there to be found. Please know that yes, some of them truly will be bright beautiful fun moments! But some of them may be the calm before the storm, and some of them will be the beautiful faces of redemption–of the peace and the joy that comes from staying in the fight, of bringing all of our cares and frustrations and anger and shame and disappointments to God, and allowing Him to work in our hearts and our souls to restore our connections, both with Him and with each other. THOSE will be the pics that go into my treasured album, “All the Feels.”

I/we–my family, along with our pastor, and with my friend, Tasha, we pray for you this Christmas, this end of 2020…bring God your worst, so you may receive HIS BEST!

2 Corinthians 8:9 “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich.”2 Corinthians 5:21 (A verse my sweet husband has taught our boys to say with us before bed.) “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

(Not pictured: the giant fight AFTER our anniversary, the yelling and screaming DURING silent night…Pictures DO include: our mountain top 15yr anniversary day date; beautiful silent night candle lighting; the “forced family fun” selfie after the silent night escapade that really did bring about belly laughs so we were able to sleep more peacefully; “new mercies every morning” Christmas Day sunrise; and just last night sweet sweet laughter from our youngest redhead after a not so sweet battle that required text “in the moment prayers” from “our people” earlier that day.)

“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;” Lamentations 3:22

No, You are NOT Alone!

“Yes, I have felt that way, and NO, You are NOT Alone!” Most of you know, our family has chosen to pretty much live in a fish bowl. What I mean by that is we have intentionally decided to be very transparent and open about the struggles we go through. Our reason for doing that, is so that other people (friends, coworkers, neighbors, family members), when they come across these difficult situations themselves, feel comfortable approaching us to talk about it. There is SUCH power and comfort in knowing you are not alone!

I’ve felt a little nudge lately to write again, as we dive into this exhausting sort of second round of intense isolation with the push from many school districts, at least in our state, to go back to full distance learning. And now this time, even though the logistics and technology MAY be ironed out a bit better than they were in the spring, we are all unfortunately starting this next phase physically, emotionally, mentally, and maybe even spiritually EXHAUSTED and drained. “COVID fatigue” is another one of the 2020 terms we hope to never use again when we eventually finally emerge from all of this!

I’m writing this time, since I think so many people are SO exhausted and overwhelmed and defeated they don’t even have the energy to type out and post the frustrated rant on social media, or call a friend or family member for support. We’re so far into this drudgery that we have given up hope that anything will even make it better, or make us feel better, so we just keep dragging ourselves along, going through the motions. And worse yet, when we don’t even take the time or the chance to express these thoughts and feelings, the darkness gets worse and our thoughts get distorted. We begin to think and ask and believe, “AM I/ARE WE THE ONLY ONES WHO FEEL THIS WAY???” When we do go to FB or Instagram, we see all of the glossy, cleaned up pics and moments when distance learning is going well and kids look so cute in their jammies, curled up with the kitty as they listen to their teacher or write in their writing journals. But, in those newsfeeds, we will never come across the pics of the whole family screaming at each other; or the kid sobbing on their bed, curled up in a ball under their covers because their brain is full and they just can’t do anymore; or the teen who has not been in school for months and may or may not have physically seen a friend in person for days or weeks, who is dying inside unable to express all of these thoughts and feelings that usually come out in casual conversations as they bump into each other and laugh and joke in the hallways at school or stay up all night at sleepovers, naturally going back and forth between pranks and jokes to brave admissions of “I was thinking about ____the other day,” as they carefully watch the facial expression and body language response from their friends to see if this is something they’ve ever experienced as well; or the parent who is completely spent after making multiple meals every day, taking care of all of the “adulting”, trying to keep their own job, trying to make at least an effort to help their kids with school work, or at least know a little bit about what they are doing, who gets set off by one little mess they see in their home that has been driving them crazy for months or one sarcastic retort from their kid or spouse, and they LOSE IT, suddenly exploding, angrily shouting all of those pent up feelings and fears they’ve been stuffing for days or weeks or months, and they scream and cry and often finally collapse and then feel the guilt, the remorse, the “How could I talk to my kids that way?” “I’m the worst parent ever.” “No one else talks to their kid/spouse that way.” “No one else has kids like this!” “Everyone else’s kids have chores they keep up with, and they listen when they’re asked to do something.” “Everyone else’s kids are doing great at this distance learning thing.” “No one else has to help their kid this much!” “How come all of these parents are asking for MORE work for their kids? We can’t even keep up with what we have!?”

Trust me…YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I have the humbling privilege of being intimately inside family’s homes–sometimes quite literally these days through virtual appointments with me on their screen in their living room/bedroom, etc! But even in person in my office, I see the defeated, sometimes guilt-ridden looks on faces when we think we are not doing anything well! I see these faces on kids, on parents–both moms & dads, on my coworkers, on our supervisors, and especially on the faces of parents who are also teachers themselves–what I think is the most impossible combination right now–those teachers who are also parents, trying to teach from home, all the while also trying to help their own kids learn OR feeling immense guilt when they can’t because their own onscreen appearances are so tightly scheduled, they can’t step away when their own kids need them, or when the hundreds of online submissions from their students are calling on their time after they’ve already put in hours during the “regular school day”! And, as one of my seasoned teacher friends insightfully said recently, “We are all rookies! None of us are even first year teachers, having been prepared just a little bit through our student teaching times! We are all making it up as we go along!” SO, so exhausting and heartbreaking. And I KNOW it is not just teachers and healthcare workers having these kinds of feelings of being split and emotionally done after hard days at work. I know there are corporate jobs and service jobs, and retail jobs, and more–everyone is having to “pivot” (there’s another one of those eye-rolling 2020 words!?) and re-envision how this all works.

But, we can help each other. There can be light. There can be relief…even if only for a few moments.

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen the above faces (kids and adults) immediately soften, the body language relax, sometimes the tears well up, when I just listen, and smile and nod, and say, “You are not the only one who is feeling this way.” Or, “You are not the only one who has done that!” And even more pronounced are the physically relaxed and relieved responses when I ask them to look into my eyes and I give them permission to JUST DO THE BEST THAT THEY CAN. You are enough! Even if all the assignments don’t get turned in. Even if all of the grades aren’t passing. Even if you aren’t having home cooked nutritious meals every night. Even if your house is a mess. Even if you haven’t worn zipping and buttoning pants for months! You are enough. You are still a great kid, mom, dad, teacher, friend, neighbor, husband, wife. Your kids, your spouse, your friends, THEY JUST WANT YOU. They don’t care if you can do it all. They just want you.
There is one 2020 term that I do hope stays around…that term is GRACE. We need to give ourselves grace. We have to give each other grace… Grace to not be perfect, to not do it all, and to be ok with that! The grace examples/ideas I have tried to share with friends, patients, families, coworkers are just LITTLE THINGS. There are so many simple, little changes we can do to help lighten our days and our hearts, to bring back our smiles…even if just for a few moments.

For simplicity and time, I will list a few for you here:

*Have ONE place in your home that is clutter free where you can sit and feel calm and have peace. Maybe it is a comfy chair, or has the most natural light. Maybe there is a window with a view you like to look out on, or a plant, or a picture on the wall, or it has just the right table on which to place your coffee, your water, or your snack. Maybe you like the way the clock on the wall ticks behind you, or you can hear music indirectly from the next room. Maybe there are fresh flowers, or a Christmas pine arrangement or some essential oils diffusing. Involve all of your senses! But wherever this place is…even if the rest of your house is a mess, KEEP THIS PLACE CLEAN and free of clutter. This is your haven you can escape to when everything else is swirling around you.

*Sunshine. Cool brisk air. GET OUTSIDE!! Even if you just get yourself or your kids all bundled up and simply walk outside to the mailbox or the end of the driveway or to the corner on your street. Obviously, getting more exercise will help and be rewarding, but EVEN IF you only go this short distance, the change of environment, the bright sunshine when it is there, and/or the change in temperature–the cool brisk air, will give you a “STATE CHANGE”–if you were in a slump before you got outside or if you were in the midst of an angry, frustrated rant–giving yourself a “state change” will change your perspective, will help get you (or your child) out of fight or flight mode if that is where you are stuck, and will help you take a different mental, emotional, physical path when you come back inside. (Other state changes include taking a shower or bath, eating some food, taking a nap or getting some sleep.)

*Look at some OLD pics or photo albums–flood yourself with happy memories! If you still have photo albums or scrapbooks, get them out, look through them. Transport yourself immediately back to happy times! (If you are looking at pics on your phone, go back several years. Sometimes if we are just looking back at last year, it brings more grief, sadness, in realizing what we are missing out on. But going back several years, will bring you back to younger days–either for yourself or your kiddos–and they will see physical differences–the cute, chubby smiles! :)) EVEN BETTER–look at pics with someone, or if you can’t be together, text a couple pics to a friend or family member you haven’t talked to for a long time! That instant connection and reliving old memories will flood your brain with happy thoughts and warm feelings.

*Do simple things throughout your day that bring you JOY. Choose a coffee mug you love to look at. Hang up one decoration or picture that makes you feel festive. Wrap up in a blanket you like the feel of. Make a fire in your fireplace during your work day. Use a certain pen just because you like the way the ink flows! Right? We all have that one little thing that just makes the day go more smoothly. Treat yourself!

*Finally, give yourself a break. Give yourself that grace that we were talking about before. Allow yourself to NOT send out Christmas cards this year AND let yourself ok with that. If you still feel like you HAVE to do that, then instead of Christmas cards, intentionally choose to send out “Random day in January cards!” :)We need to help each other with this as well. Help someone else give themselves grace–it is sometimes so helpful when someone else lovingly points these things out to us…”Or you could NOT do ____, and it would still be ok…”

Such simple steps, such simple reminders, and YET, so powerful in relieving the pressure, allowing ourselves and each other room to breathe again.

“Yes, I HAVE felt that way, and NO, you are not alone!” I can’t resist adding and concluding with this reminder–These are not new words! This is not a new idea. GRACE is actually not just a 2020 word. We are about to celebrate the best reminder of this. GRACE is a person. GRACE is JESUS! GRACE was sent down to us in human flesh—HE has felt all of these human emotions, and yet without sin. He died on the cross to rescue you, and me, and to restore our relationship with God, so that we can truly know, “I am not alone.”

Isaiah 9:2-3, 6-7 “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone. You have multiplied the nation; you have increased its joy…For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore.”

Psalm 71:9, 14 “…forsake me not when my strength is spent…But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.”

Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.”

ONE DAY we will finally be able to look back on this MIRY BOG of 2020/COVID TIMES with a NEW SONG in our hearts, a SONG OF PRAISE to our GOD! Until then, give yourself GRACE, and remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

It’s OK NOT to be okay!

It’s OK NOT to be okay!
Just in case anyone needed to hear that today, or needed that permission today…I needed that today. I think I’m going to need that every day of this entire school year!?This.is.HARD!

I usually can get through these hard seasons. I’m usually able to weather the big push days and then take a little bit of time to stop and rest and reflect, before I go at it again. I’m usually able to endure, and then with just a little bit of mental rest, still have room to take a minute to encourage others with a cute pic, or a funny thing my kids did, or a memory we made, or a scripture I just read, or a beautiful nature pic, etc, etc. But the last few days, not so much! I feel like it would take too much energy to even type anything out!

I have to admit that scares me a little. It scares me that even my usual helps are not helping as much.

I have an amazing moms group that meets sporadically to talk through these insane lives we live with our extra special kiddos (our preferred way of saying “special needs kids”). We usually “go deep” fast when we talk, since we know every moment is a stolen moment, and we don’t want to waste a minute talking about surface small talk kinds of things! But last night we met, and it just felt GOOD to stay light for once and talk about the easy stuff like schedules and which kid is doing what. It was ok to just enjoy each other and have fun, right?

So why did I feel unrest today, instead of feeling recharged with an uplifted heart and soul after those usually super encouraging meetings?

Or my WW group (previously called weight watchers–ok, let’s be real–everyone STILL calls it that even though they’ve tried to re-brand!?). I actually went to an IN PERSON studio meeting today! It was the first time since March, as they are just beginning to open again! I have been trying to do the virtual meetings, but I was super excited to be there in person. It was one of the fun, enthusiastic coaches that I usually really like. The people who typically come to that group are usually encouraging, yet real, and I leave feeling lifted up, knowing I can keep doing this and fighting the weight/health battle. But today I left sad. I know some of it was just another slap in the face of COVID grief–we had to wear masks, there were only a few people allowed in, and the chairs were 6ft apart so we could socially distance, which just makes the room feel empty instead of full and filled with life, as strangers who have become friends chatter away about how their weeks went. That was just harder to do six feet apart and wearing a mask…

But, I feel like there was something more to my sadness that carried over into the rest of my day. What was this unrest?

I tried to go for a walk. Usually before I tackle my inside chores, I strategically clear my mind and fuel my body with a brisk walk or run, especially if the sun is shining–as it was today on this unseasonably warm fall MN day! The leaves are already SOOOOOOO beautiful–a tapestry of reds and oranges and yellows. My walk felt great, I was listening to life-giving praise music, and usually I would head back home ready to tackle my ever present list.

So why the persistent unrest?

Admittedly, this COVID craziness may truly be hitting me harder than some. As a healthcare worker–a pediatrician at that–I see and hear and feel the fears, the frustrations, the anger, the stress–emotional, financial & physical stress, in my patients, their parents, my colleagues and coworkers, and in my own family–my husband, my kids, their teachers, their friends, our friends, & our neighbors. EVERY.single.decision is 500 times more complicated. There are new protocols AND new research findings emerging daily (sometimes hourly!) that change everything we’ve just finally “figured out!” My brain is constantly in multiple places at once. And even if I do try to be mindful of just staying in the place where I am physically present, I still know there is an eternal list in my brain of things I need to do or get to, or people I should be checking in on. And the emails!?!?! Oh, the emails. I literally saw a Facebook meme today that said, “Meanwhile, I had to quit my job so I could read emails from my kids’ schools full time!” That is me! My personal and my work emails are completely overloaded, and admittedly I CAN’T KEEP UP! I told one of my boys’ teachers today, if I accidentally miss the notice that it’s picture day or something, could you at least make sure my son doesn’t have food or marker on his face, and we’ll call it good for this year!?!

Being busy for me is not unusual. In pediatrics, there are definitely seasons of extra hard work and long hours–back to school check ups and flu season are two of them. But usually there is a start and an end to those seasons. NOW? It is all running together and never ending! Usually, in “regular life,” these seasons have a way of waxing and waning with sometimes being more stressful at home–lots of extra needs in my family with 3 boys and various forms of anxiety, adhd and autism running through. But usually in these times, I can at least count on the stability of knowing that I will know how to do my job well, and that will refresh me. When I am able to walk into a room, and really meet with families, especially those struggling with ADHD, anxiety or autism; when I really get to connect with them and allow them to feel seen and encouraged and to feel hope…Those are the moments that recharge me! They keep me coming back every day. I am still having those moments, maybe even more powerfully now with the intense struggles of distance learning, and the feelings of worthlessness it brings to these kids especially. When I am able to remind them of the areas where they are so amazingly creative and smart, their countenance truly changes, and I do see hope alive again in their eyes.

So why do I still feel unrest? Even after a day off when I usually am able to fill my bucket with all of the above, as well as spending time with my kiddos and my husband?

It has actually been the WW meeting that has helped me pinpoint my struggle the most. (And no, I don’t mean the weight! Yes, I have gained weight, and today the number was even higher since I actually had to wear clothes weighing in public, and with COVID you even have to wear shoes–I mean that had to add 10lbs right there, don’t you think???)

I realized that yes, I did feel a little bit encouraged after going to that meeting & being with those people, and I did learn some more science facts about weight and mindfulness (which I always love about WW–it is always backed by science). But, I also realized that the people who were there, in person, are mostly truly “back in the game” and excited and pumped up and on track.

And I realized I am NOT! I am NOT “back in the game” with everything all figured out and “balanced.”

And I don’t think I am ready to be.

Yes, I want to continue to be as healthy as I can possibly be–eating nutritious foods, giving my body physical activity, getting as much sleep as I can. I know these are all essential to functioning AT ALL in these crazy times!! But, I also know there is NO WAY I can put that extra pressure on myself right now of trying to LOSE weight, or even trying to keep track of points. It is just one thing I need to allow myself to let go of right now. And that is OKAY!

That phrase has been running through my mind for the past few weeks. I’ve wanted to post it on my FB page to encourage OTHER people, other friends.

“IT’S OK NOT to be OKAY!!!!!”

I DO want to say that to my friends, and my kids, and my patients, and my colleagues, and my family, and to our neighbors!

But, today, I’m speaking it to myself.

And guess what? As I say these words, and truly hear them, I realize that constantly trying to FIX the unrest feeling, or DO something more, has been causing even more unrest. But ALLOWING myself to just be here…to just say–or ADMIT–“I DO NOT have it all together,” NOT EVEN CLOSE? It is so freeing. In a strange way, I feel rest. And I CANNOT have it all together right now. It’s just not possible and it is just too much. But I will still do my best. And I will still love my kids. And I will still love my husband. And I will still try to encourage my friends, hopefully by saying these words to them too, “IT’s OK NOT to be OKAY!”

I know there is one more person who has been begging for me to hear that from Him too. Our pastor graciously reminded us of this again this past Sunday. When we feel like we are failing, we almost always want to try to fix it ourselves. We try to do better. We try to practice “religion” and follow the rules to make ourselves feel ok and to feel good. But we are never good enough. But JESUS! JESUS IS! HE loved us first, “while we were yet sinners.” (Romans 5:8) And HE LOVES US NOW, when we are NOT okay. When we DON’T have it all together. He died for us and for our sins. He loves us because we are HIS. And HE will never leave us or forsake us. HE will give us the strength and the power to make it through, and even to see JOY, in the midst of this mess.

IT is OK NOT to be okay!I hope you can allow yourself to hear that and truly believe it today…

Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the LORD: he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.”

“When my strength is spent…”

Amidst the nice, good memories/moments I’ve posted on social media over the past few weeks, we have also had some intensely explosive meltdowns in our home this season that have literally left us reeling. Triggers? Who knows—likely a combo of changing meds (again…), new and changing schedules/routines, the weather, flared asthma/allergies, mixed up sleep or eating, or just plain sin… Whatever has triggered them, we have at times literally been crying out loud, “I don’t know what to do anymore!!” All of the books we’ve read, the therapists we’ve visited, my professional training, the seminars we’ve gone to, the skills we’ve tried to use, sometimes still leave us feeling hopeless and helpless…and all alone.

In these moments, admittedly sometimes out of desperation (instead of doing this first!?), we have cried out to the Lord, begging for His presence and His wisdom…

And in His mercy, He has met us…

These verses (in the picture, and at the end of this post) were opening verses that “just happened to” be the openings of my readings the mornings after some of these meltdowns…

…comforting balm to my hurting heart.

We have received “out of the blue” texts and emails from friends who know us, love us and pray for us.

We have had times of unexpected quiet and peace in our days to refresh mentally and physically.

We have had “unexpected” financial benefits lift us up when we were wondering how will we…

And probably best of all, we have had moments of completely humbling ourselves, as we’ve cried together, having nothing left, but uniting our hearts as a team again, as we called out to the Lord…

God is good. All the time.

Humbly seeking His wisdom—this is where He wants us to be, in each of our unique situations.

To all of my fellow “SuperMoms” (a.k.a. “Special moms” and dads!)…

Know that I see you!!

We understand.

You are loved.

You are delighted in…by us,

but most of all, by Him!

“…Forsake me not when my strength is spent.” – Psalm 71:9

“…He rescued me, because He delighted in me.”

– Psalm 18:19

“You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.

You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.”

– Psalm 71:20-21

Summer “vacation”: A look back…and a look forward?

Summer.  Vacation.

Those are two very loaded words, aren’t they?  So much expectation!  For many, (maybe most?) they are full of excited anticipation.  Visions of sunshine and playtime and beaches and swimming and laughing and freedom and NO SCHOOL!   But for parents, especially parents of kids with special needs, those words may bring feelings of angst or overwhelm or maybe even dread…

I am thankful I am writing this near the end of summer.  I have survived June and July and already half of August!!  And I might even dare to say now, I have ENJOYED much of this summer!  Who knew?

Had I written during the first few weeks or month, this post may have had a less hopeful flavor.  In fact, here is a direct quote from an email I sent to a friend during that time, “I feel a giant blog post coming on about summer ‘vacation’ with 3 strong-willed boys and 2 firstborn parents!?!” (punctuated with a bunch of exasperated emojis!).

What makes summer so hard for some of us?  Well, first off, there is the complete loss of routine and the comfort that comes from knowing exactly what to expect and what will be happening next.  Instead, especially at the beginning of the summer, we have wide open space, and SO. MUCH. TIME.  Combine that with what I wrote to my friend–3 strong-willed kids and 2 firstborn parents (read: stubborn, “my way is the best way!”) and you have a million different opinions about how things should go, and a recipe for disaster unless you come up with some sort of plan!!!  Hold that thought…

And how about “vacation”?  I have recently heard a lot of different things about this word…”‘Vacation’ is just parenting in another location!”  “‘Vacation’ is just the same kind of work with a better view.”  And more recently, as I dive into the concept of REST (foreshadow for blogs coming soon…), I heard a speaker say, “We need to drop the idea of “vacation” from our concept of rest.” (Essentially, she is teaching that we need to learn & understand different ways to rest within our day to day lives.  But, you will have to wait for more on that…!)  I don’t mean to downplay vacation.  I really don’t.  Vacations as we know them, are important and fun ways to make great memories with our families and our friends!  And hopefully as we look back on them, we do have that “amnesia” (October blog post) that I have written about before, and all we remember are the fun moments…the laughter, the joy, the beautiful clips of the times things were working well, when we were using our best attributes, our strengths, and all our best attitudes were on display.  Those moments when most likely we were just being free, not worrying, not trying, not hyper-focusing on the “shoulds” and the goals and the “This is what we should be working on” lists.  Those moments when all of the hard work of the past year were hopefully shining through…and without even thinking about it, we were doing it!!  We were having fun just being together!!  Wait, maybe there IS freedom tucked inside that “vacation” word, even for special needs families!?!  We just have to choose to focus on those smaller chunks hidden inside some of the bigger calamity moments…

I’m sure we all had some of those moments too…those times when after a few days of your kids (& yourselves) being able to hold it together for the most part–acting and functioning normally while living amongst family or friends on “vacation”, and then…

…the dam broke loose…and there it was…

…the unleashing of the frustrations, maybe from the “back to reality” momentary realization of that unsettled feeling or out of control sensation when all of the routines are different…I don’t have my usual places to hide, my sources of retreat or comfort to run to…  I’m stuck in the middle of ALL.THESE.PEOPLE, and they expect me to act a certain way, and… I just can’t!!!

Or at least that’s how our kids (or we) might have felt in that moment.  And we suddenly forgot all of the calming techniques, breathing exercises, reminders to “use our words.” We retreated inside ourselves, or we lashed out with ugly disrespectful words, shouting, or kicking or screaming, or blatantly refused to do the next thing.  And all of a sudden, all eyes were on us, bewildered, wondering what in the world just happened?  What brought that on?  The feelings of judgment and shame and helplessness took our breaths away and we retreated more, or fell apart, or responded in our own ugliness and inability to hold it together any longer…

Then somehow, hopefully, we found enough strength and wisdom and energy to help bring it back to a breathable level, and we came back… to face the rest of those around us.

I’m leaving that vague on purpose…was it your child who lost it?  Or was it you?  Or both??  Was it really judgmental eyes that were on you, or was that your perception? Maybe, were they instead eyes of compassion and bewilderment, as they came to realize how hard it must be for you living your day to day life that the rest of the world typically doesn’t see… Or maybe their own eyes of helplessness, wondering what in the world could they do to support you in this?

I pray, and I KNOW, that there are those compassionate eyes and souls out there, hopefully in each one of our lives, who are willing to walk with us through those ugly moments.  Those friends, who after all of the dust settles, are willing to speak into your mess, with a quiet, “I’m sorry” if they may have had the wrong conclusion or had jumped in at the wrong time with unhelpful words.  Or those who, with a reassuring touch, or encouraging gentle reminder if they did see you turn things around, spoke quietly, “You’re doing the right thing…”  I believe those touches, those quiet words, those gentle assurances are the Lord’s way of reminding us, “I am with you.  I see you.  I will never leave you or forsake you.”  (Deut 31:8)  And they are also ways to show us WHO He may be using in each of our lives, helping us to see those who won’t shrink away when things are hard, those who are willing to stay by you when things are ugly and out of control.  Hopefully those are your family members, but even when they are not, I am willing to bet there are people in each one of our lives if we look and watch hard enough, that are willing to be there when we need them to be.

Whoa…I told you if I had written at the beginning of the summer, it would have had a less hopeful feel!?!  But, I promised a look back AND a look forward!  Yes, there have been incredibly hard parts about this summer.  But, as I do look back, both at pictures and in my memory loops, there are plenty of great things to hold onto, to cherish, and to use to move us forward.

Briefly, here is a quick list of things I think were helpful to make summer a success…things I want to be sure to remember for NEXT summer!

1) Realize and admit that yes, summer is hard for you or your family!

2) Surround yourself with people who understand and are willing to cheer you on, share ideas, and encourage you along the way (I am willing to be one of those people!!)

3) Make a loose overall plan for the summer, and get it out on paper.  We made 3 giant sized monthly calendars that ended up on our hallway door with all of our various activities.

    a) We are both working parents, so the first pass thru (which typically happens in ~April!!), is to make sure our kids are all accounted for on the days when we are both working!!

    b) The second & third passes thru are even more important in my mind…

Second pass thru–making sure there were at least a few days (or even a few chunks of hours) for just ME time–time for me to think or rest or write or read or go do something just for me.  Even though there were literally only ~3-4 of these chunks in our entire summer this year, just knowing I had at least those times to look forward to and be refreshed by, helped me to have a better, more giving attitude for my kids.

    c)  The third pass thru was hopefully the most fun…making sure there was at least one day for each kid to have their own day with just mom (or just dad, whichever the case may be), and then being able to clear our physical calendars and our mental agendas to be prepared to literally JUST BE with that child on that day, making him feel special–whether it was going somewhere or just having focused time and attention at home, or a combination of both, being present with my full being was enjoyable for them and very restful and soul-filling for me too!  (We also were lucky enough to have a few days with just the “littles” or just the “bigs” too.  It’s funny how taking away one child–no matter which one–just brings a different feel to the play, in a good way most of the time!)

4) Make a loose daily plan for the summer, and at least verbally share it with the kids, or write it out on clearly on paper too.  This just helps everyone to know what to expect and to be on the same page.  This means, when do they get screen time? What chores will they have to do and when? Will we have some quiet time each day?  Will we have outside time each day?  When will we be able to go somewhere or have friends over each day?  When will we have to do some “school pages” or reading time?  When we will have family time?  etc.

Doing just this little bit of planning truly helped us to have a lot of happy, smiling, joyful picture reels to look back on–both on my camera and in our minds–especially from each one of their special days!  Those one-on-one days will be the ones I cherish the most, hands down!!

There were, of course, still those days of everyone falling apart, feeling unsettled, with chaos ensuing and discouragement settling in.  There were still those weekends or “vacations” that left us feeling ready to come home.  But, even in those…maybe especially in those…I think there is hidden treasure, right?  Those moments, those feelings, remind us that we do feel most secure and most content at home!!  Or at least in the peace and comfort of our consistent routines!!!

So, let’s go create some new routines, right?  Oh wait, first I have one last special day to enjoy–I get to spend today with my middle boy!  We’re off to go watch some boats!!  His favorite thing to do, and for today…mine too.

I Choose Joy! Be thankful…expectantly.

Last week, we received some big, exciting news in my family…

My husband passed his seventh and final architecture licensing exam, marking a much anticipated end to an intense sixteen months of studying, and sacrifice from all of us!

It was definitely a moment when we took it all in, were so thankful for that one little word, “PASS,” and all that it meant for our family.  We are still basking in the joy of this news, and we continue to realize more and more how great it is to have our daddy back!!

These kind of milestones are the easy ones to see and remember and be thankful for, right?  We will remember that moment forever as a mark of accomplishment, joy and excitement for our family.

As we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, it’s also a little easier to pause and remember some of the general things we are thankful for.  My extended family always smiles, and sometimes groans playfully, when it’s my dad’s turn to say something he’s thankful for during our turkey dinner.  He says the same thing every year!  “I’m thankful for my wonderful family.”  And he means it.  Every year, he is not just saying that.  He truly is thankful for our family and all of its craziness.  If you’ve ever met him, you would know everything about us.  He IS that proud grandpa who tells anyone he meets about his family.  And of course, he always has pictures ready to share too!

Those are the big moments of thankfulness, right?

But, what about during the day to day grind?  When life is busy, calendars are full, homework is due, there are deadlines at work, appointments to be made, sleepy kids who don’t want to wake up and get dressed for another school day–or at the other end–completely worn out kids who are overtired and beyond themselves, struggling to do the next thing during the bedtime routine, threatening to sap every last ounce of your energy that you wanted to save for meaningful conversation later with your husband?  What about then?  Is it possible to be thankful then?!

I keep talking and writing about wanting to choose joy…

How does that happen?  How do I do that?  Am I just writing all of this?  Can I really live it?

I remember a time, early in my career.  It was cold and flu season in pediatrics…the hardest, most intense time of all, when kids are miserable, and parents are tapped out, frustrated that this is the eighth illness their kid’s had this year–“There must be something else wrong with him, Dr.  Can’t you fix him????”  The stress is high, the schedule is overbooked, sometimes the illness has been passed on to you, and you are just trying to make it through the day so you can go home to sleep before waking up and doing it all over again.  And this was before I had a husband or kids!!  One night, I was blubbering in the midst of my exhaustion, to a wise friend.  Even though he wasn’t able to fix my schedule or make the demands of my career any easier, he took a moment to challenge me to try to find one good thing in the midst of those trying days to be THANKFUL for…

And I did.

And they were there.

When I changed my focus…and turned away from my woes…and looked outside of myself…I saw those rays of light, the beauty amidst the darkness, the laughter amidst the fatigue and stress and illness.

They were there.

And it helped.

Each day I found one, then maybe two, then maybe three…

And they changed me.  And they satisfied me.  And they helped me to continue on.

I found joy…

I have been practicing pediatrics for almost twenty years now!?!?  I’ve gotten used to the schedule, to the rhythm of the seasons of pediatrics–cold & flu, then well-check/school form season!  My immune system is stronger.  I don’t catch every illness that comes through (except from my own kids!!), and my days aren’t as difficult with the same stresses of before.  But, with the advancement of time and seasons of life, new blessings have come along–a husband, a son, another son, and another son… new expectations, and new requirements for the ever sought after “balance” between work and home, between being a wife and a mother and a friend and a sister and a daughter and a leader and a writer?

And again comes the thought…How do I choose joy?

And I remember…

To look for the moments…no matter how tiny or how hidden or how twisted out of their ideal shape…to look for those moments in the midst of our pain and struggles…to be THANKFUL for…

Again they are here…

During those days at my job when I hear one thing after another about how medicine is changing and we need to meet this guideline, and make this budget cut, and work with this insurance company, and choose this drug instead of that one…And when, because of one of those budget cuts, I have to say goodbye to one of the best, most talented nurses I have ever worked with in my entire career, it is hard to step into that next patient room and into that next encounter trying to be as fresh and as untarnished as I was when I first started medicine…I can’t do that on my own.  But then the Lord provides…I walk into the room and find a half naked 6 month old showing off her new toothy grin…or a 1 yr old, babbling away, looking at a book upside down, as she “reads” the story to herself, joyfully pointing at all of the pictures…or a 5 yr old who replies as I’m asking his mom, “has he been exposed to chicken pox?”, “I like chicken!!”   Or even better, I walk into an intense room with a patient with ADHD or autism and a mom or dad with that look that I’ve had a million times myself–the look that reads, “I just need an ounce of encouragement, or I’m going to lose it!”  And I know, that because I’ve been there, I can truly understand and speak to them from my heart.  During all of those moments, I instantly smile, and am THANKFUL, and feel joy, and am able to carry on seeing patients and doing what I’ve felt called to do…

Or when, before my husband’s final test is taken and passed, we are facing the last week of intense study and time with daddy away from home.  As always the kids are acting up, all of our patience is thin, we are snippy and snappy and snarl impatient words at each other…the culture of the house as we try to persevere…but then my husband texts me to tell me that one of the pastors of our church, just called him out of the blue to see how he was doing.  He had prayed with him at church a few days before and my husband had just been on his mind, so he thought he would call to check in (Call!  Not text or email or send a Facebook message…CALL!)  And through my husband’s words telling me about this call, I could feel the power of the renewed hope in his own heart from the encouragement this man had given him, helping him to feel known and loved and cared for…

And because he felt that way, I felt that way…and was able to be THANKFUL, and feel joy, and was able to carry on caring for the house and our kids for a little while longer…

Or when, our autistic son’s after school program caregiver, emailed to tell us about yet another poop accident after school, which instantly sends a sinking shameful punch to your belly, in a way that no other news does…

But later when I talked to her in person, her voice and smile and countenance carried no air of annoyance or disgust or frustration.  Instead, she excitedly told us about how resilient our son is, and how truly carefree he walks through the halls, waving excitedly to those he knows on his way by.  He’s not upset…she’s not upset…why should I be upset?

I pause to be THANKFUL for this special angel the Lord has provided for our family who truly loves our sweet, resilient boy…and I feel joy, and am able to carry on…

As I get the next message from our principal about another son, who is in his office for the third time in the past few weeks, after making yet another impulsive foolish choice, and my heart sinks again, sad for my son, since I know this is not truly him or the way that he wants to behave.  Tears well up as I wait to hear what he did this time, and instead am amazed again by this special principal with his unending patience for these kids, his true desire to help them learn from their mistakes, and his wisdom in the way he speaks to them, building their character along the way.  It is hard, yet I am THANKFUL again for this man the Lord has provided to help guide all three of our boys through their school journeys, and I feel joy, and am able to carry on…

As I am in contact with our son’s doctor, his therapist, and his teacher, trying to make sense of all that is happening with these medicine changes and the frustrating effects they have had on his behaviors and his progress and the turmoil it has caused our family…and his therapist asks a clarifying question, “Is he sleeping?”, and I am able to pause and be so THANKFUL that yes, he is sleeping…all of his bedtime fears are gone, and he is sleeping, and all of us are sleeping.  We may have struggles during the waking hours, but unlike many other families I know who are struggling with these same issues on little to no sleep, we are sleeping.  And I am THANKFUL, and am able to pause and take joy in this gift I may not have otherwise noticed, that the Lord has quietly provided…and I am able to carry on…

As I have begun again to look for these little moments, it was even more amazing to rejoice in this last moment we were able to see as our son, struggling with all of these med changes, literally bouncing from one thought/activity to the next, comes down the stairs looking for one last piece of track to add to his latest hot wheels creation, and then comes flying back up, pauses, and says in a moment of amazing clarity, looking straight into my husband’s eyes, “I’m just so proud of you, Dad, for passing your test!  I mean, it’s just so cool, that now you can come home, and you don’t have to study!  You can just PLAY if you want to!!!”

And tearfully, we were able to pause (ok, we were actually speechlessly stunned into pausing!) and be THANKFUL, and feel joy, and are able to carry on into this next new chapter in our family’s life…

We are thankful expectantly…

“Joy” in the Bible is often used to describe celebration after realizing or remembering something the Lord has brought his people through.  The Lord is often reminding his people to look back–to remember the Lord who made them, to remember all He has saved them from, or to remember what He has carried them through.  Isaiah 51:1,3, “Listen to me…look to the rock from which you were hewn, and to the quarry from which you were dug…For the Lord comforts Zion {his people}; joy and gladness will be found in her {his people}, thanksgiving and the voice of song.”  Verse 11, “And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion {his people} with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”

Verse 12-13, “I, I am He who comforts you; who are you that you are afraid…and have forgotten the Lord, your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, and you fear continually all the day…”

When we forget…when we again turn inward to all of our woes and frustrations and challenges… when we forget to look for Him who loves us and made us…

Then we fear and despair and life is truly hard.

But..

When we REMEMBER the Lord, we can be THANKFUL expectantly…

When we choose to pause and be THANKFUL for what He has given us, or what He has brought us out of or carried us through…

We can expect to see & feel JOY!

Isaiah 52:8-9 “…together they sing for joy; for eye to eye they see the return of the Lord to Zion.  Break forth together into singing…for the Lord has comforted his people; he has redeemed Jerusalem.”

 

He will always be with you behind and before…

Isaiah 51:12 “for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.”

 

Happy Thanksgiving!  

I CHOOSE JOY!!

I Choose Joy! People…not diagnoses

People…not diagnoses and labels.  Children, precious gifts…not diagnoses and labels.  Husbands, wives…not diagnoses and labels.

 

I am beginning a series that has been floating around in my head for the last several weeks.  So many of our family and friends are going through such heavy things right now, including my own.  This concept of fighting for joy, choosing joy, keeps coming up in conversations, and in my mind, over and over again.  What does choosing joy look like?

Today is Halloween.  It is not the biggest of holidays.  There are others–Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving–that are often filled with gatherings and traditions we look forward to and seem to plan for weeks or months ahead of time. If we have children or family members with special needs, or who may have a tendency to get overwhelmed easily, we try to prepare them for these events.  We tell them the stories and help them picture in their minds where we went the year before, who was there, the games we played, the decorations we brought out.  We try to keep our expectations realistic, and may even pre-plan exit strategies for when things just get to be too much.

But Halloween…somehow is another one of those things that just sneaks up on us!

I think the Lord gives families with special needs (I hate that phrase, by the way, but I have yet to come up with a better one…) a special kind of amnesia.  Maybe it is a bit like the amnesia moms have for how much pain and discomfort there was with pregnancy and delivery.  Somehow that tends to fade away and all of a sudden we decide we would love to have another baby!

Special needs families have the same sort of amnesia when we think about common events or dinners or outings or holidays that other people just take for granted.  We somehow forget that things may turn out disastrously, or that they actually did turn out disastrously the last time we tried to go out to dinner at a restaurant for a fun, spontaneous, celebratory meal, and as soon as we got there we remembered…that there were tons of distractions on the wall, some of them unique and fun, some of them too overwhelming or scary.  Then, when the delicious food arrived (that I didn’t have to make, plan, or prepare), and we were about to dig in and enjoy it, our precious littles took a few bites, and then the first one declared loudly that his bowels were speaking and he needed to go NOW!  Ok, Daddy will take you.  Phew, disaster averted.  Back to enjoying that food…until little #2 suddenly declared, “I think I’m going to barf!”  Ok, my turn–quickly off to the bathroom, grabbing little #1’s toy bucket just in case.   Phew…disaster averted again, only a potty call, not an illness.  Back to the table.  Maybe the food was at least still warm…until favorite song came on and little #1 could not resist standing up and moving his body around, dancing without fear or shame.   Thankfully others nearby were engrossed in their conversations and the music was loud enough they didn’t seem too bothered.  At least the boys hadn’t started hitting each other, or wrestling in the booth.  Oh wait, spoke too soon…time to go.

This is the amnesia I’m speaking of!  God’s gift to those of us with special families.  Somehow we forget enough about these events that we keep trying!  We keep hoping and attempting to have “normal” family moments, traditions, memories.

Halloween is full of that kind of amnesia.

It always seem exciting for the boys to pick out their costumes and try them on weeks in advance of the actual day.  Then there is always the parade in our home of costumes of Halloween’s past.  And you never know when a fully masked spiderman may show up randomly for breakfast one day!!

As soon as the calendar says October, we hunt for the black and orange box of decorations in the garage, and the boys eagerly open it and start pulling and tossing things out of it, “Remember this?”  “Remember this?”  Excited about their findings…and then in a flash, on to the next thing that captures their attention…and then sometime later, mommy will actually hang up the decorations.

We always look forward to going to the pumpkin patch…or more often than not, the grocery store parking lot “pumpkin patch”!  Even in the parking lot patch, we try to capture the moment, excitedly hunting around for those perfect pumpkins to carve…until the boys forget to be careful, and knock over a display, or crash the cart into an unsuspecting shopper, or it starts to rain and blow freezing rain and we are rushing to make our choices, pay, and get back into the warmth of the car…Hopefully we captured a moment on film of those rosy cheeks and mischievous smiles sweetly sitting on the harvest display backdrop the owners have prepared for taking family pictures.

And then comes the carving… We’ve chosen the night.  We’ve gathered our tools.  We’ve covered the table with newspaper and grabbed some buckets to catch the mess.  We eagerly help our littles choose the patterns or faces they would like for their pumpkins, and can’t wait to capture those smiles as they pull off those tops and reach into that funny, squishy goo.  Except we have amnesia.  We have forgotten that one of our littles doesn’t understand what this is all about.  There is too much sensory input for him to take in.  He doesn’t want to try to feel all of that, or join in on this “fun”.  This doesn’t look like fun, this looks crazy.  He would rather play by himself in his car world where he knows he is safe.  So, we step back.  We try to enjoy with our others who are doing what “everyone else” does this time of year.  And they get it…easily and effortlessly.  And we dig deep.  Is this a moment that we try to force a little bit past the comfort zone and “make him” try it, “make him” feel it just a little bit?  It’s so heart wrenching even in those little moments when your mind is swirling with grief over the realization that it will never be “easy”, that everything will probably have to be “taught” to him, even when others somehow just know how things are supposed to go.  Do you “force” him to do something you know is hard for him, or will be really uncomfortable for him?  Who knows what the right choice is?  Thankfully, in these moments, the same moments I think the Lord has given us amnesia for, He also gives us a still small voice, in which He leads us and says, “Yes”, “just for a few moments draw him in, bring him in with the family, have him try it, have him feel.  Give him an end point, allowing him to feel safe and sure, ‘just try two scoops with your hand, and then you can go play again.'”  And maybe you are able to capture a few moments.  Maybe there aren’t smiles yet, maybe there are even tears.  But maybe the next year, there is a half-smile.  And the year after that there is a full smile.  And the year after that, there may be full giggles!…as he remembers what this funny holiday tradition is all about.

During many of those years, there may be frustration, and arguing, and fears that sometimes overwhelm…which leads us to…

Trick or treating.  Amnesia.  What a fun event!  Dressing up in costumes, seeing the neighbors, getting free treasures and treats, and then bringing them all home to sort and count and enjoy!  Amnesia. What a confusing and overwhelming event!  One of our first years back in Minnesota, we brought our family out for this night of fun and excitement, trick or treating, in my parents’ neighborhood where I had grown up.  Our kids were ~7, 3 and two.  When we came back my parents asked me how it went.  Thankfully my family was not in the room, as I sadly replied, “We were trick or treating with Anxiety, ADHD, and Autism…”  My 7 year old (ADHD) kept wanting to run up ahead to the next house before we could get the littles back onto the road.  My 3 yr old (Autism), did not at all understand what in the world we were doing.  He loved getting candy after we went to the doors and said this funny thing, “Trick or treat!”, but then he immediately cried wanting to be able to go home to eat his candy.  What else would you do with it?  And why would you wait?  And why would we have to do this over and over again?  My husband (Anxiety–I share this with his permission), was scared to death of all of the unknowns–in this neighborhood he did not know, in the dark of the night, when his three precious gifts were scattering about, where other people and cars might possibly come into their way.  He was paralyzed by these fears as his own heart was breaking realizing our middle was struggling so much in this seemingly easy thing, and our oldest had no qualms about running ahead without us, without looking sometimes, seeming to not even have awareness of the rest of his family.

Amnesia…because we tried it again the next year…and the next year, and the year after that.  And each time it got better.  And each time they, and we, remembered more.  And each time there were longer moments of true smiles and true understanding and true joy!

Two nights ago when we carved our pumpkins, yes, there were still moments of frustration and arguing and battling wills.  But there were longer moments of true laughter and great memories and true joy!

And tonight we will go trick or treating, and our “big” will go off with his friends, safely, enjoying this tradition.  And our littles will be with us…and we will see how it goes!  But we will keep trying and keep gently pushing… Not to conform to traditional memories just because everyone else does, but to see how far their minds and their bodies can go as they explore this world through these feelings emotions and special lenses the Lord has given to them, and to us.

I choose JOY!

I choose the people, not the diagnoses.

I choose the faces and laughter, not the frustration or tears.

I choose the joy and the freedom, not the heaviness or despair.

I choose the happy moments (no matter how brief), not the endless hours and days.

This is a battle.  The Bible says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.  I (Jesus) came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)  The enemy wants to steal our joy.  He wants us to feel hopeless and full of despair, feeling like our days and years are endless.

But the Lord gives us this “amnesia.”  He gives us hope.  He gives us these brief moments of joy and laughter and smiles and warmth and peace and contentment within our days, we just have to look for them.  And believe me, I realize that some days we have to look hard!  And those moments are only 1 millisecond long before all chaos breaks loose again.  But they are there.  And if we aren’t able to capture them on film or in video, we need to literally pause and capture them in our minds.  And in those moments when we are struggling and have nothing left, or we are lying in bed at night wondering, “What just happened?” or “How am I going to do that again tomorrow?”, we need to string those millisecond frames together in our minds and make our own new movies that we can cling to, and be thankful for, to have hope, that in time those milliseconds may become full seconds, and then those full seconds may become full minutes of peace and laughter and joy, and then those full minutes may even become full hours of smiles and faces and joy!

We must have hope.  If we can’t find those moments on our own, we need to seek out others whom we feel safe enough with to allow into our messes to help us to see those moments of joy, those evidences of hope.  And we must also pray and ask the Lord to remind us of all He has done for us…pray to stop striving and holding on, and instead, allowing us to rest in Him, and all that He has done, feeling His arms wrapped around us…true JOY.

Today I heard two songs with these reminders…

Jeremy Camp’s, “He Knows”, describes one of the names of God, El Roi, which means, “He sees”.  Our Lord sees everything we are going through, even when it seems no one else sees or understands, He does and He knows.  The lyrics that caught me were these, “Every time you feel forsaken, Every time that you feel alone.  He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).  Every tear, He knows.  We may faint and we may sink…  But the dark begins to shrink when you find the One who knows.”

And Casting Crowns’, “Just Be Held”, had these lyrics, “So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away, you’re not alone.  Stop holding on and just be held.  Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place.  I’m on the throne (another description of one of God’s names, El Elyon–Sovereign, Most High, over all things). Stop holding on and just be held.  If your eyes are on the storm, you’ll wonder if I love you still.  But if your eyes are on the cross, you’ll know that I always have and always will.  And not a tear is wasted.  In time, you’ll understand.  I’m painting beauty with the ashes. (Isaiah 61:3) Your life is in My hands.”

Psalm 71:14, 19-23 “But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more…Your righteousness, O God, reaches the high heavens.  You who have done great things, O God, who is like you?  You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.  You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.  I will also praise you…for your faithfulness…I will sing praises to you…My lips will shout for joy, when I sing praises to you; my soul also, which you have redeemed.”

“My lips will shout for joy…”

I CHOOSE JOY!!  Faces and people and moments…not diagnoses and labels.