Depression confession…

My “depression confession”…

I have been waiting to figure out how and when I would share this story, my story.  It seems this Easter weekend, on the Saturday between “Good” Friday– remembering the darkness of that day, and yet knowing the end of the story and the Hope that is to come tomorrow, Easter–Resurrection Sunday…this seems like a good time! 

You mostly know me as the encourager, the cheerleader, the “I’ve got some great wisdom for you” doctor, friend, sister, daughter, mom, wife.  But in the past several months now, that person has been harder and harder to find. Several weeks ago, I listened to a CME (continuing medical education) talk called “Who Heals the Healer?” Part of the presentation included slides with “health care worker” in the middle and all of the various “traumas” surrounding us from the past two years that have pounded and pressed and compounded, essentially reminding us we are VERY human and there are limits to what we can handle.  That was the first step in me taking a moment to REALLY realize–admit?–how I was doing…

Over the next few days, I started putting out “feelers” to friends & co-workers I knew who had been down the depression/anxiety path before…still trying to figure out was this really happening to me? 

Eventually this led to me “raising the white flag” and sending this message to my own dr (also a colleague and friend)…

“Hi Anne. Well, you’ve always said, let me know if you need help with all of the stresses of life!  I think it’s time… Short summary is, I just feel like I don’t have any reserves left and can’t shake the darkness. Longer story, I’m usually the cheerleader everywhere in my life–home, work, family, friends, and now I am barely keeping on top of the bare minimum of life and everything else irritates me more than it should.  I can’t handle taking on anyone else’s emotions, which is not a good place to be considering my high needs kids and practice, actually!  I keep trying all the things I know–walking, eating well, reading, resting, meeting with friends, my spiritual life–they will work for a few days and then I sink back down to an overeating, wanting to sleep all day, mess! 😦 

So, I have my well check next week with you. Not sure if you would want to start something before that (oh, and also I am headed on a big supposed to be fun, but undoubtedly will be stressful, spring break trip on 3/27–California–Disneyland, Legoland, and beach!?), or if you want to wait until I come in?

In case you are not in today–nursing–it is ok to wait until she comes back. I am also a physician.  I am not suicidal and not thinking of hurting myself and know my resources! 

Thank you all! 

Humbly, 

melissa”

(I included the whole message, word for word, as several people have since commented to me, “You are STILL taking care of others even as you send your cry for help–not wanting the nursing team to have to do extra work to make sure you are ok!?”)

It was amazing the sense of calm relief that came over me even as I pushed “send”. Just taking that tiny/HUGE step of admitting and then asking for help, lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders and cleared a big chunk of space in my mind that had been ruminating and wondering for likely much longer than I should have been.  And then, I copied and pasted the message to share with my circle–my inner circle of my besties, my family, and those who had been supporting me through these past heavy, dark years of COVID.  Again, more and more weight lifted as the responses of love and support came pouring in.  Lots of tears as I heard and read their words, but a new sense of hope and even a hint of joy started to break through. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks.  Thankfully my amazing dr DID send a prescription for me right then*, and I likely experienced the “honeymoon phase” of the medication working really well right at the beginning, blessedly right during our California trip, which as many of you saw, was an awesome time with our family and some of our lifelong friends, making many sweet memories! (*I am not saying that everyone in this situation needs medicine.  Sometimes therapy/counseling, other supports are enough…more on this in future posts!) 

And then, back to real life… 

The past few weeks since we’ve been home have been rough again, I will admit.  Of course, there is always the post-vacay blues and jet lag…and then our boys were sick off & on for the next several days with all of the illnesses that have come flooding back as we begin to remove our COVID masks!  And the heaviness of my job, still with the unknown horizon of what COVID may bring next, and even harder, the path of mental health destruction and devastation for kids and families that it has caused along the way, still bombard me every day.

And yet, God…

“But God…”

In His loving faithfulness, it is Easter season…Holy Week!  And while I have felt so much silly guilt that I have not had the energy or the desire to do all the things we usually do–get out our bright Easter decorations, go through our tradition of creating and acting out the Easter story with the playdoh tomb, reading through the verses as a family using our Resurrection eggs that re-tell the Easter story…Even without these traditions…He has still been faithful to me–helping me to still long for my morning time with Him, in His word, reading my own Lent devotional, re-telling the stories of Jesus’ life leading up to this Holy Week and His amazing sacrifice for each one of us, for ME!  

The light in this darkness has been His preparation in me.  And in this gloomy COLD, DARK, NEVERENDING WINTER/”SPRING”, especially in MN, HIS intense light and faithfulness and HOPE has been brought to life so much more clearly during this Easter season for me (and I pray for you!). 

In His faithfulness, we were able to make it to our church’s beautiful and powerful Good Friday service last night, with powerful theatrical, yet word-for-word scripture readings with background sound effects helping us truly feel we were sitting inside the story.  Even our usually squirrely boys were silent, captivated by the power of the story and the truth it held, especially as our pastor included a refrain to help us hear it and say it and internalize it for ourselves…After reading some of the details of the story and all of the previously prophesied events that came true, he would say, “What do you think about that?” And we were to answer, “UNBELIEVABLE!” To which he said, “He did this for us.”  And we got to say these powerfully intimate words, “He did this for me!”

Then, as I woke up this morning again to another initially cloudy, cold day, my scripture readings came alive even more–on this Easter Saturday, the day of waiting, the day between the darkness of Good Friday–when God poured out His wrath for OUR sins onto His Son, Jesus, our sinless Saviour, who willingly died in our place on the cross–and the HOPE of Easter Sunday, when the empty tomb was revealed because Jesus had been resurrected!…

John 14:1 {Jesus speaking in the days before his death}…”LET NOT YOUR HEARTS BE TROUBLED. Believe in God; believe also in me…

…If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also…

John 14:6 “I am the Way, and the Truth and the Life.  No one comes to the Father except through me…”

…Whoever has seen me has seen the Father.”

…Because I live, you also will live.  In that day, you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you…”

…And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him…

John 14:26 “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.

LET NOT YOUR HEARTS BE TROUBLED, neither let them be afraid…

…And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe.” 

He is so faithful!!  We are so loved! He sees us, He knows us–each one of us intimately.  The Bible says He knows every thought before it even comes to mind.  He knows every hair on our head.  He sees, He loves, He cares.  

I was blessed to have so much love and support when I stepped out of my inward thoughts and truly shared what was going on.  But even if you feel like there is no one in your life who will understand, or maybe worse, you feel you will receive condemnation if you speak out about how you are feeling, know that there is One who will never leave you nor forsake you.  He loves you, He died for you.  He will make you new…ALIVE IN HIM! 

Easter is coming!  Spoiler alert–the tomb is empty!  Jesus is ALIVE.  And He is walking with us, with you, with me, every step of the way. 

Be brave.  Cry out to Him. Ask Him who in your life may be a safe person to share your story with.  Courageously take that next step. And know that even if you feel all alone in this world, you are not.  He will turn your darkness into light.  He will make your paths straight.

And from me, Melissa, Dr. Melissa, friend Melissa, daughter, sister, neighbor, wife, mom, colleague Melissa…I see you.  I love you.  I am for you.  I am in your corner.  But I am only human.  I will surely fail you in my own weaknesses from time to time.  

But God…!  He is unchanging, and He will NEVER fail you.  His promises never fail. 

Psalm 18:28 “For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.”

Isaiah 42:16 “And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.  These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.”

“BUT GOD…!”  HE is FAITHFUL!  

Much love to you from the bottom of my heart!  And Happy Easter! 

Humbly,

Melissa

Still true…

New Year’s Day today, and I found myself re-reading this…one of my first blog posts…5yrs ago, but I could have written it this week. The same heartaches exist, maybe even more frequently now. 💔 I thought I would re-share in case like me, you need to read this again! Know that I see you… you are not an awful parent, your child is not a monster, your situation is not without hope. You are both loved! And there is light in the darkness!

No, you’re not alone!

No, you’re not alone…and no, those are not the worst stories I’ve ever heard.

I’m realizing that I need to say this more often than I do. I know I have been given the privilege as a doctor, but also as a mom, or a friend, to hear people’s stories…to enter into a very private place in their world…with their words and their stories to enter into their homes…to their high emotions, their fears…

I have long accepted that the Lord has given me my own stories with my own boys, in our home, in our hearts and in our fears, so that when I am listening to a story…hard stories…I can nod and truly understand, instead of trying to hold my face into a nonjudgmental look allowing them to go on. I am always hoping that in my face, in my eyes, they can see that I know…that I see the beautiful child in front of us…that I know they are not terrible parents…that inside both of them, the child and the parent, there is a deep relationship waiting to be brought back, to be nurtured again, to be filled with laughter and peace, instead of the painful cycle that has evolved of frustration and impatience and yelling and defeated giving in out of sheer exhaustion.

Sometimes these are terrible stories. My heart breaks to hear over and over again the words of suicidal thoughts…sometimes real, sometimes used to manipulate when frustrated, defeated kids have no other way of expressing their desire for help and understanding. Sometimes they are shocking stories filled with impulsive actions, with knives or saws or fists or hammers…they may have been using them in appropriate ways–working on a project, putting away dishes from the dishwasher, but then something snapped…someone said something that frustrated them, that hit a hot button in them, and instead of logically stepping away or thinking it through or seeing it from the other person’s vantage point, they felt anxious and out of control and couldn’t find that front part of their brain full of executive functioning, and instead they acted from the back, the fight or flight, and that knife, that saw, that fist, was now aimed inappropriately…

In these moments, yes, my heart is breaking, and yes, somewhere inside I am shocked, or used to be shocked. But, now, after hearing so many similar stories in my office, or from friends brave enough to share the real happenings in their homes, or yes, from inside my own home, I know…and I have seen how quickly these things can happen–how quickly things escalate from seemingly small things…

…one more homework problem that feels like a GIANT ticking time clock stealing away precious “playtime” on a school night;

…one seemingly innocent “helpful” comment, “don’t forget to put your snack in your backpack” that instead feels like another WEIGHT on the back of a day full of “helpful” suggestions reminding him again that he can’t do it right or on his own;

…or one more misinterpreted tone of voice that snuck out of an exhausted, overwhelmed, out-of-ideas-to-help parent that became a BLARING stab of disapproval to a hyper focused beaten down self esteem of an inner child desperately seeking the loving cheerleader voice from her parents…

I know that these are the moments when chaos ensues and somewhat normal nights turn into terrible nightmare moments that cause us to think, “Is this really happening?” “Is this really my child?” “Did those words really just come out of my mouth?” And in panic and reactionary thinking, we often do enter into the dark snowball of fight or flight reactions.

Then, as the dust settles, we are able to make it through, and maybe even sleep. And maybe even move on to another day that hopefully goes better, maybe even without blow-ups. But, then those same kinds of triggers return and it is all happening again. And we wonder, “Is this really happening?” “Is this ever going to get better?”

These are usually the nights when Brandon and I have fallen into bed, barely speaking, still reeling from the effects of all that may have happened in one of these out of control moments…

…and in my weakness, my desperation to be known and understood…instead of seeking comfort in the One who knows us and who made us and who desperately loves us…

…instead of praying, I am searching on the internet for others who can give me some comfort, who have been through this, who can bring hope…I search “Christian mom of ADHD”, “parenting ADHD or anxiety or anger or…

Many times I have not found much. I’ve often told friends that there seem to be so many blogs about autism or parenting autism…and there are… so many great ones. Maybe it’s easier to write about the sweet innocence that is often present in our autistic kids, even in the midst of frustration. Unfortunately, I think the parents of ADHD, anxiety/anger, executive function difficulties are too busy reeling and recovering to have time to write about their experiences…

So, this is my hope, and my prayer, and my resolve…

To say more often that next step, as yes, I am listening without a face of judgment, and with eyes of understanding and empathy and love for the beautiful hearts inside these tired, fearful, and often isolated parents and children…

To say, “No, you are not alone. And no, those are not the worst stories I have ever heard. And no, I don’t think your child is awful. And no, I don’t think it is your parenting that has caused this.”

No, you are not alone.

When our oldest son was still a toddler, the Lord placed it on our hearts to give him a verse…

We kept repeating the verse to him over and over again; telling him it was his verse. We would say it at bedtime. We would pray it over him. We would write it in chalk on the sidewalk in front of our house. And one day when he was still little, maybe three years old, we started to say it and he finished the rest! We knew it was in his heart. Now today, at 10 years old, it hangs over his bed at night. It is still a frequent prayer of ours for him. It is spoken over him when he is fearful as he falls asleep. It is prayed on nights before big or new events, which are always anxiety provoking for him. It is whispered to him if we see a look in his eye, a moment of fear or hesitation…

It is his reminder that, “No, you are not alone.” And yes, you are so, so loved.

Keenan’s verse is this…

Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be dismayed (or worried); for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Before Jude was born…before we even knew the challenges he would face, the Lord laid on our hearts a verse for him. In his difficulties with speech and language, he doesn’t always understand it fully and can’t yet recite it, although he does know some of its parts. We still know this is the verse given for him. We wrote it on the back of the helmet he had to wear as an infant to help his head grow the right way. We still pray it over him before new or big situations, just like Keenan’s. And probably more frequently, we pray it to ourselves, as we are preparing for something new or difficult in his autism journey.

It is his reminder, and our reminder, that, “No, you are not alone.” And yes, you are so, so loved.

Jude’s verse is this…

Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed (or worried), for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

When we found out we were pregnant with Luke, this time we prayed for the Lord to give us a verse for him. I came across this one, with so many of the same reminders and promises of the other boys’. It has been written on the head of Luke’s bed to help him remember as he is falling asleep, frequently fighting the toddler battles of monsters and other unknown shadows in the darkness of the nights. We pray it over him, and we watch the many ways the Lord uses this verse in all of our lives.

It is his reminder, and ours, that, “No, you are not alone.” And yes, you are so, so loved.

Luke’s verse is this…

Deuteronomy 31:8 “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed (or worried).”

I hope and pray that whenever you need a tangible reminder that, “No, you are not alone,” the Lord will lead you here to these words He is speaking through me, as I bathe them in prayer for you. And you will be comforted. And you will feel that you are known and understood…And that I am cheering for you. And we will walk this together!

No, you are not alone.

My best “pre-game” advice for your next IEP meeting…

For anyone with an upcoming IEP meeting…here is my best advice (mostly as mom, maybe a little pediatrician thrown in 😉)

“Pre-game”:

#1 Have a team of friends/family members or whomever you have in your life who “gets it”, be praying for your meeting—both beforehand, during, and after; or at least who promises to just KNOW you are going through it and who promises to be thinking about you during the meeting, and be available for you after the meeting, IF you feel like talking about it.

#2 Think of EVERY possible great thing you love about your kid! EVERY strength they have! EVERY way you’ve seen them grow over the past year…even if it’s in the babiest of steps! ❤️ And KEEP those thoughts forefront in your mind for the full 24 hrs before as you eat, sleep, breathe, dream, AND during the actual meeting…especially when assessment test scores are being spewed into the air! 😉 Always remember, your kid is definitely NOT just a number!

#3 Try to think about questions you have for the team, goals you may have for your kids—academically, socially, or personally. And believe the best of your team before going in—that they want your kid to do well and succeed too! And always remember YOU, as the parent, are an expert part of the team as well!!! Finally WRITE DOWN these questions/goals, so you don’t forget them the day of the meeting.

#4 Try to schedule the meeting itself for a time when you don’t have to jump back into real life immediately following the meeting. If you do have to go back to work or back to parenting, try to schedule at least a half hour or hour of breathing/processing time. Unfortunately, you may come out RAW! The often sad, hard nature of these meetings is having to focus on the deficits in order to create the goals. It is another form of grief that hits you right between the eyes sometimes if you aren’t ready for it! It’s ok to have ANY emotion afterward, or even ALL of them all jumbled up—sad, mad, angry, exhausted, thankful, blessed, encouraged—rotate and repeat!! 😜

#5 Prepare physically—get enough sleep the night before, eat something beforehand and avoid too much coffee! 😬 Wear waterproof mascara and put some tissues in your pocket just in case! 😘

“Game Day!” 🏅

#6 Walk in confidently and joyfully! Remember, YOU are a very valuable member of the team. Your voice matters! And even more importantly, your kid MATTERS!! 🥰 He or she is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139). You and the team may just have to work extra hard to figure out what makes him/her “tick”, and what supports he/she may need to be at their best, to learn the way their brains prefer/need to learn, and to translate to the team what their behaviors may be saying/screaming/shouting! All kids want to do their best “when they are able to!” (Pediatrician brain talking here…) The longer I work with kids/families, the more I think the traditional way we have done school for years on end, really only fits easily for a small percentage of kiddos!! All the rest need a little tweaking to make it their own! ❤️ (And hats off to education researchers who are discovering all of these different ways to learn/teach!)

“Post-game” 😅

#7 The next time you see your beautiful kiddo—whether at the school or at home, take an extra minute to hug them/love them/celebrate them/really see them! They are a gift! They may be a little trickier to figure out sometimes and might not always feel like a gift 😜, but they are a gift! And they need you to see them, and be for them, and to know you are in their corner. 😍

#8 When you have a minute, circle back to someone on your own team (see #1) to let them know how it went—good or bad. Let them love on you a little! Hopefully, if you’ve found the right “someone”, they will just “sit with you in it” for a bit, and let you unpack it and process it, or rejoice with you if it went well. 🎉

And if you don’t have a “someone who gets it,” please know that I get it!! This pediatrician mama “gets it” more than you know!! 💟 I see you. I see your kiddo. I see you both trying so hard. I see the mistakes, the heartbreaks, and the tiny little wins!! And I will be celebrating my heart out with you as we string those wins together!! 🎉💜🎉 You are not alone…and you’ve got this!!! 🙏🏻 (And I will be praying the Lord brings into your life a “someone who gets it”!)

Psalm 31:7
[7] I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul…” ✝️

P.s. Feel free to share WIDELY with anyone who may need to read this!! It would be my honor!

3 Squirrelly Boys… Front Row at Church, Baby!?!

If any of you suddenly just felt terrified for me as you read that title, you are my people, and I am yours! 

But it WASN’T terrifying this time, and that’s what I’ve been thinking about for the past couple of days…

(Spoiler alert–it’s not because the boys were perfectly behaved either!)

I’m not sure why it is in so many things, and especially in parenting, that we think we have to know how to get it right perfectly right from the get-go? Why do we put that pressure on ourselves? I remember those days vividly when our oldest was little. I mean, I’m a pediatrician, right? I know it all! This is going to be a breeze! HA! And then the color of his hair grew in… fiery red!? (For all of you redheads out there, please know we LOVE you! AND, I’ve never yet met a redhead who didn’t have a bit of spunk or fire in them!) Right from the start we knew he was a leader. Have you ever heard those words spoken about your child? All the euphemisms–“spirited”, “full of energy,” “so creative,” “always thinking of something new”? They are all true words and descriptions, but sometimes you can just tell the speaker is really trying to communicate something else!

Anyway, we knew right away, even with all the head knowledge I had, this one was going to keep us on our knees, constantly seeking wisdom.  Fast forward 4 years, and here came another unique boy with his own challenges–and more feelings of “I don’t know how to do this.”  Then 20mos later, boy #3–who unlike our other two, was born with hair right away…and guess what color?!  Yep, redhead #2–perhaps even feistier than #1!   

Those are fun ways to describe our unique three boys, and yet, along the way, it didn’t always feel that fun.  I remember so many times early on, just feeling EXHAUSTED, and overwhelmed with trying to “make them” behave or do the right thing, or fit into the mold we were trying to live in.  I remember seeing other families with kids who sat so still and quiet, listening intently in church, or came right away when their parents called them and told them it was time to leave the park.  I remember realizing there were families who could get to places on time…or even EARLY!?! How was that even possible?? And I remember feeling so much pressure… (which as I look back with my now 50 year old eyes, I realize was likely mostly self-inflicted!)

I’m going to fast forward to this past Sunday, and then I’ll go back to unpack how we were so blessed to get to this place.  Last Sunday was the first weekend back home after several weekends in a row ending our glorious summer at our cabin, which meant we had not physically been to church in maybe a month–only instead listening to church on the way home from the cabin (one wonderful benefit that has come from all these COVID related changes–church being recorded and viewable later!)  I’ll back up and say, I do think our boys love the Lord on some level—different for each one of them.  They know He is real.  They have grown up with us going to church every week, talking about Him, reading about Him in His Word, and doing life with friends who love the Lord too (more on that later).  But that does not mean they jump out of bed, excited to get dressed in their best clothes and are in the car waiting for us 20 minutes before it’s time to go on Sunday mornings! And this morning was no different.  We were out of practice going to church.  And all Christians know that Sundays are PRIME times for crazy arguments and raised voices trying to get a bunch of sinners in need of grace out the door, into the car, and headed to church on time! It may be ugly along the way, but we are going to get there! 

To make it even harder, there was the threat of rain.  Our church, thankfully during COVID, has had the second service outside whenever the weather is nice.  It is a beautiful setting, right on a lake, so peaceful and fun, with lots of room to spread out on the lawn–perfect for our 3 squirrelly boys! But because of the possibility of rain in the forecast, the service had to be pushed inside.  And because mom is a pediatrician, and because our two youngest boys are not yet eligible for the vaccine, I made them wear masks–which they understood and wore willingly, but because our church is beautifully growing and bursting at the seams in our quickly-becoming-tiny sanctuary, it was hot!  One more reason for them to be uncomfortable and mad at mom and dad. Oh, and by the way, there is a lunch after service that we are staying for… “MOM!?!”  So…it was in that setting that we walked inside the doors of our beloved church…late, of course…and guess which seats were open??  

FRONT ROW, baby!! So, we filed in… during the middle of announcements…and we even realized that there weren’t enough seats when we got up there, so they would have to share… 

But we are blessed.  And we are loved.  We have spent years building communion and beautiful friendships with other believers who want nothing more than to love and worship Christ, and to love and build up each other!  So many of these friends go to our same church with us now.  Some of our church friends and our pastor here are new in our lives.  But we have quickly gotten to know him too.  And he loves us, and he loves our boys…JUST AS CHRIST loves us–in all of our imperfections!  So, when our worship leader’s wife–also our friend–saw there weren’t enough seats, she whispered, “move our things, you can sit in our seats,” we felt loved and accepted.  And when our middle son, who is on the autism spectrum, and can’t always stay in one place for a long time, and sometimes just needs to sit on the floor to work on his 500 count Dot to Dot book while he listens, did just that, we let him.  And when our two reds, who both also have ADHD, sat in their seats and pulled out whatever they had brought in their bags to keep their hands busy so their brains could listen quietly, we let them.  And when our youngest just couldn’t stay in his seat, but instead had to lay down on the floor to read his book, we let him…ALL IN THE FRONT ROW!  EXPOSED!

And it wasn’t terrifying…or horrifying…it was glorious!  You know why?  Because Mommy & Daddy got to worship our hearts out!  Because Mommy & Daddy NEEDED to worship our hearts out–to sing at the top of our lungs, to raise up our arms and to feel God’s presence in the midst of His family and to know we are loved and KNOWN by Him and by our church family.  We NEEDED to be present to hear about and share in the things–good and terrible and hard–that are going on with our church family.  We NEEDED to gather and be built up in order to be sent out again for the week–whether that is across the sea to another country or back into our office spaces or our clinics or our schools!  It’s what our family does.  It’s what our family needs.  We are thankful that although our boys may kick and scream–either literally or figuratively–every week, deep down they know, and they are also comforted in knowing that the Weis family is loved.  This is what we do on Sundays and through the week.  We live in communion with our friends and family, building each other up and encouraging each other along the way. 

So, this is my prayer and my invitation to you.  If the idea of the front row at church–all exposed with less than perfect children in tow is terrifying to you, I am your people!  And I pray that you can find other people locally in your life to also be your people. 

That’s what we did along the way.  We found people we could be imperfect with… together.  When the boys were little, I wrangled them into the car–no matter how ugly the process was, or how late we were when we finally got to the Tuesday morning playdate at the park.  And when they went off to play, I cried with the women who had already been through that stage.  I sought their wisdom and their “tricks”, which weren’t really tricks–just lots of trial and error and prayer and vulnerability–willingness to open ourselves up to each other, admitting imperfection and striving to learn more together.  Instead of getting together with other families for dinner–the hardest part of the day with squirrelly boys and exhausted parents, we realized breakfast/brunch was an easier time to be together–and we wore our pajamas to each other’s houses and we laughed hysterically when the “fancy” egg bake and monkey bread I was trying to “impress them with” caused the smoke alarm to go off and wasn’t really done all the way through by the time we had to eat!?  But we stayed and we weren’t satisfied with small talk.  We asked hard questions and we listened intently, and we texted and prayed throughout the week to let each other know we remembered.  When hard or life changing things happened like surgeries or new babies, or new diagnoses, we brought food, and we did awkward things for each other when we were otherwise helpless in doing them for ourselves (think emptying “pee jars” after surgery!) We didn’t shy away, we moved in closer.  And when the kids got older, we got babysitters and had date nights together, or the moms went on long walks together or the men met for long lunches together or did manly things together (you know, like paintball, or bonfires or cooking bacon together at retreats–so much bacon!?!) 

Little by little, vulnerable moment by vulnerable imperfect moment, we knit our lives and our hearts together, so that one Sunday morning, we could walk into church late, and not just feel ok about sitting in the front row, exposed, but truly feel loved and blessed as we sat there!  Don’t get me wrong, we WILL keep leading and training and shepherding and praying for our boys–with the help of our friends, and our pastors, and our church family as we continue to do life together.  And I KNOW, that when that day comes, when our boys are sitting up straight, belting out the worship songs, or even getting up to be a reader, or to play in the band, or to shout out an announcement about a future youth event, ALL of those friends and pastors, and church family members will rejoice with us, as they see and wonder at what Christ is doing in our boys’ lives & hearts!!  

So, I beg you, friend…take a scary step today.  Invite someone into your messy, imperfect house to play together.  You won’t regret it, I promise. 

Hebrews 10:24-25 “And let us consider how to stir one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

Romans 5:8 “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

John 13:34-35 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

*pic obviously from one of the beautiful outdoor services…even I wasn’t brave enough to take a pic of the front row inside scene! 😉

Never a perfect picture!

Most of you know…I take A LOT of pictures! And I post a lot of pictures. Just recently one of my best friends in San Diego posted on her own FB/Instagram pages a mini blog that completely resonated with me. It is exactly why I take so many pics too. (With her permission, I share her words below.)

Some of my pics are purely just to record fun moments. But some are so much deeper for me, for our family… I have an album in my picture files on my phone. I call it “All the feels.” It is full of those pics that are captured “just after the storms.” I’ll let you read my friend Tasha’s words, and then I will explain more…

“Pictures capture a single moment that is sometimes just perfect. I love taking pictures because I love the hunt. It’s like a treasure to be found. To me, photography is that way, a treasure. It’s crazy how that perfect picture can sometimes magically encapsulate the essence of someone, like you are truly seeing the soul of that person. Or you can say that same thing about a picture of an event or even a photograph of landscape or a single thing in nature. A snapshot can be so beautiful and tell so much. Hence, the saying, ‘a picture is worth a thousand words.’ On the other hand, sometimes you just get lucky with a snapshot of one second in time that actually contradicts what is really happening. It can be so deceiving. You don’t see the hurt, or the bitterness, or the sorrow, or the depression, the frustration or anger, or even the loneliness that is really going on in someone’s heart. The definition of a snapshot is literally ‘a photograph taken quickly.’ It is one single moment within a series of moments, of moments within a series of a day, of a day within a series of days (plural) strung together…and so on and so on…and sometimes that perfect moment captured does not portray what is really going on in a person’s life.
I took a bunch of pictures (as I always do) Christmas day and Christmas “weekend” and some of them, you’ll see here, just capture the right look, at the right time, in the right lighting, and it is just “perfect”. But our family is FAARRR from perfect. My marriage is far from perfect. My friendships are far from perfect. My kids and my relationship with my kids is far from perfect. And I am far from perfect.I think these are great pictures, but keep in mind, it doesn’t reflect a perfect person with a perfect life. Rather, a perfect God who made nature perfect and who made each human being, unique…It reflects the God who made his creation (people and nature) beautiful just the way you will see it here. They are portraits that tell the story of His redeeming love.❤️“

(Before I continue, know that the stories I will share, I share with permission from my family, my friend, and our pastor.)

I resonate with all of Tasha’s words. I love how she describes it as a hunt. I also feel like I am trying to tell a story through my pics. It is our story. Sometimes it comes across on the surface as “picture perfect.” And yet, we are not.

Especially during this time–over the holidays, in the darkest winter months–it is so easy to fall into bouts of dark thinking. We feel like we don’t measure up. As we reflect on the year, we realize our failures more easily than we see the good that has come over the year. Feelings of loneliness are exaggerated, especially as we scroll through social media seeing all of the “perfect” family gatherings that may not look like our own.

But there are stories and imperfections and real life moments behind all of these pics! There is fighting and frustration and grief and regret. My friend admitted that she and her husband almost always get in a big fight right around Christmas time. Are they the only ones? Of course not. Her admission prompted me to share in a reply on her post that guess what? The Weis family actually got into a giant fight WHILE we were holding our candles and singing “Silent Night” as we tried to watch our church’s Christmas Eve service virtually online!? Yep! True story–we were actually yelling and screaming at each other. Pent up frustration from the day, from these crazy times. I don’t actually remember the trigger now, but I know there was unspoken grief and sadness in not being able to be together with our family the way we typically would. And I know that even though our boys wouldn’t voice it outloud, they do also love the tradition that is part of most churches across the world, of ending the Christmas Eve service being allowed the privilege and trust of holding a real live lit candle and singing sweetly in the dark at the end of the service, “Silent Night, Holy Night, All is Calm, All is bright. Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child. Holy infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace…Radiant beams from thy holy face. With the dawn of Redeeming Grace. Jesus, Lord at the birth…Shepherds quake at the sight. Glorious stream from heavens above. Heavenly hosts sing Hallelujah. Christ the Savior is Born!” I also know it is not “normal” to watch the Christmas Eve service online. It was hard to be quiet, especially when they were just being excited kids, who still couldn’t wait for the morning when they would be able to open presents no matter the new and unusual logistics of the 2020 year. And I also know we were overtired parents, feeling our own grief over the strangeness of the year, and the isolation, who desperately wanted to quietly soak in the news of Hope, of our Savior being born, of the comfort of the scriptures. The clashing of these two ideals met in frustrated yelling and pleading, which just “pushed buttons” further, and created louder and louder chaos in a moment that “should have been” full of peace.

And I took pictures… I knew that somehow we would want to remember this night, this time…

And I knew we would want to remember the truth that our pastor had actually preached that night. The theme of his Christmas Eve message just a few minutes before had literally been, “I want you to ask yourselves this question, ‘What was your WORST moment in 2020? Your worst moment as a dad, or a mom, or a wife or a husband…your worst failure, etc.?” Before the yelling and screaming during Silent Night happened, I was instantly thinking about the huge fight that my husband and I had had a few days prior. We had literally sunk to a new depth of low, just DAYS after we had shared (& posted pictures of!) our mountain top 15 year anniversary day date! Real life moments…behind “perfect” pics…

And yet, THIS was the message of Christmas! The message our beloved pastor was sharing on Christmas Eve. We often think, and Christmas carols often sing, “What kind of gifts shall we bring to a king?” We try to polish everything up. We work to try to bring our best. But that is NOT the gospel message. The Christmas message, the gospel message, is that we are able to bring our WORST, and we are able to receive God’s BEST through His gift of Jesus Christ our Savior. He lived the perfect life for us, so that we could RECEIVE HIS BEST! That is the way we honor Him. We don’t have to pretend we have it all together. We honor Him by bringing our real life messy moments and acknowledging that He is enough. His grace is SUFFICIENT. He has done the work, has paid for our sins, so that we can be righteous in God’s sight and be reconciled with Him forever. The messy moments are real. I truly believe, had our computer screen been a two way live connection, that our pastor would have said to us, “Weis family, I see you. I see you in this difficult moment of yelling & screaming at each other even during this singing of Silent Night!? Bring THIS MOMENT to Jesus. Bring your worst, and receive HIS BEST!”

This is why I take so many pics. This is why we share so openly our lives. Some, we know, feel like we share too much. But this is our story! This is our ministry! We want to share the real, the ugly, the messy, so that others may know, it is ok to struggle. It is ok to talk about these things. We are never alone. Our family has felt that isolation in our struggles before. We know the comfort of knowing that HE KNOWS, HE SEES, and HE LOVES us in spite of our imperfections and our struggles. We are blessed to have friends we can call on, or text,or email, in the heat of the moment, to beg for prayer when we are struggling. (We just had to do that yesterday!) The only way we have developed these friendships has been by being real, by sharing openly, and by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. We have been so blessed by these relationships, by “our people” who know us and love us and encourage us just as we are. And it is our family’s greatest desire that we would either be “your people,” or we would encourage you to be brave and take that step of sharing your real story–your real fears, your real failures, your “worst!” with trusted people in your own lives, so that you can find “your people.” Bring your worst to Jesus, so you can receive His best!

I know I will keep taking pics–I will pursue the moments, the hunt! I will keep sharing pics. When life is hard, I need these pics to remind me of the beautiful and peaceful moments that are there to be found. Please know that yes, some of them truly will be bright beautiful fun moments! But some of them may be the calm before the storm, and some of them will be the beautiful faces of redemption–of the peace and the joy that comes from staying in the fight, of bringing all of our cares and frustrations and anger and shame and disappointments to God, and allowing Him to work in our hearts and our souls to restore our connections, both with Him and with each other. THOSE will be the pics that go into my treasured album, “All the Feels.”

I/we–my family, along with our pastor, and with my friend, Tasha, we pray for you this Christmas, this end of 2020…bring God your worst, so you may receive HIS BEST!

2 Corinthians 8:9 “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich.”2 Corinthians 5:21 (A verse my sweet husband has taught our boys to say with us before bed.) “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

(Not pictured: the giant fight AFTER our anniversary, the yelling and screaming DURING silent night…Pictures DO include: our mountain top 15yr anniversary day date; beautiful silent night candle lighting; the “forced family fun” selfie after the silent night escapade that really did bring about belly laughs so we were able to sleep more peacefully; “new mercies every morning” Christmas Day sunrise; and just last night sweet sweet laughter from our youngest redhead after a not so sweet battle that required text “in the moment prayers” from “our people” earlier that day.)

“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;” Lamentations 3:22

No, You are NOT Alone!

“Yes, I have felt that way, and NO, You are NOT Alone!” Most of you know, our family has chosen to pretty much live in a fish bowl. What I mean by that is we have intentionally decided to be very transparent and open about the struggles we go through. Our reason for doing that, is so that other people (friends, coworkers, neighbors, family members), when they come across these difficult situations themselves, feel comfortable approaching us to talk about it. There is SUCH power and comfort in knowing you are not alone!

I’ve felt a little nudge lately to write again, as we dive into this exhausting sort of second round of intense isolation with the push from many school districts, at least in our state, to go back to full distance learning. And now this time, even though the logistics and technology MAY be ironed out a bit better than they were in the spring, we are all unfortunately starting this next phase physically, emotionally, mentally, and maybe even spiritually EXHAUSTED and drained. “COVID fatigue” is another one of the 2020 terms we hope to never use again when we eventually finally emerge from all of this!

I’m writing this time, since I think so many people are SO exhausted and overwhelmed and defeated they don’t even have the energy to type out and post the frustrated rant on social media, or call a friend or family member for support. We’re so far into this drudgery that we have given up hope that anything will even make it better, or make us feel better, so we just keep dragging ourselves along, going through the motions. And worse yet, when we don’t even take the time or the chance to express these thoughts and feelings, the darkness gets worse and our thoughts get distorted. We begin to think and ask and believe, “AM I/ARE WE THE ONLY ONES WHO FEEL THIS WAY???” When we do go to FB or Instagram, we see all of the glossy, cleaned up pics and moments when distance learning is going well and kids look so cute in their jammies, curled up with the kitty as they listen to their teacher or write in their writing journals. But, in those newsfeeds, we will never come across the pics of the whole family screaming at each other; or the kid sobbing on their bed, curled up in a ball under their covers because their brain is full and they just can’t do anymore; or the teen who has not been in school for months and may or may not have physically seen a friend in person for days or weeks, who is dying inside unable to express all of these thoughts and feelings that usually come out in casual conversations as they bump into each other and laugh and joke in the hallways at school or stay up all night at sleepovers, naturally going back and forth between pranks and jokes to brave admissions of “I was thinking about ____the other day,” as they carefully watch the facial expression and body language response from their friends to see if this is something they’ve ever experienced as well; or the parent who is completely spent after making multiple meals every day, taking care of all of the “adulting”, trying to keep their own job, trying to make at least an effort to help their kids with school work, or at least know a little bit about what they are doing, who gets set off by one little mess they see in their home that has been driving them crazy for months or one sarcastic retort from their kid or spouse, and they LOSE IT, suddenly exploding, angrily shouting all of those pent up feelings and fears they’ve been stuffing for days or weeks or months, and they scream and cry and often finally collapse and then feel the guilt, the remorse, the “How could I talk to my kids that way?” “I’m the worst parent ever.” “No one else talks to their kid/spouse that way.” “No one else has kids like this!” “Everyone else’s kids have chores they keep up with, and they listen when they’re asked to do something.” “Everyone else’s kids are doing great at this distance learning thing.” “No one else has to help their kid this much!” “How come all of these parents are asking for MORE work for their kids? We can’t even keep up with what we have!?”

Trust me…YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I have the humbling privilege of being intimately inside family’s homes–sometimes quite literally these days through virtual appointments with me on their screen in their living room/bedroom, etc! But even in person in my office, I see the defeated, sometimes guilt-ridden looks on faces when we think we are not doing anything well! I see these faces on kids, on parents–both moms & dads, on my coworkers, on our supervisors, and especially on the faces of parents who are also teachers themselves–what I think is the most impossible combination right now–those teachers who are also parents, trying to teach from home, all the while also trying to help their own kids learn OR feeling immense guilt when they can’t because their own onscreen appearances are so tightly scheduled, they can’t step away when their own kids need them, or when the hundreds of online submissions from their students are calling on their time after they’ve already put in hours during the “regular school day”! And, as one of my seasoned teacher friends insightfully said recently, “We are all rookies! None of us are even first year teachers, having been prepared just a little bit through our student teaching times! We are all making it up as we go along!” SO, so exhausting and heartbreaking. And I KNOW it is not just teachers and healthcare workers having these kinds of feelings of being split and emotionally done after hard days at work. I know there are corporate jobs and service jobs, and retail jobs, and more–everyone is having to “pivot” (there’s another one of those eye-rolling 2020 words!?) and re-envision how this all works.

But, we can help each other. There can be light. There can be relief…even if only for a few moments.

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen the above faces (kids and adults) immediately soften, the body language relax, sometimes the tears well up, when I just listen, and smile and nod, and say, “You are not the only one who is feeling this way.” Or, “You are not the only one who has done that!” And even more pronounced are the physically relaxed and relieved responses when I ask them to look into my eyes and I give them permission to JUST DO THE BEST THAT THEY CAN. You are enough! Even if all the assignments don’t get turned in. Even if all of the grades aren’t passing. Even if you aren’t having home cooked nutritious meals every night. Even if your house is a mess. Even if you haven’t worn zipping and buttoning pants for months! You are enough. You are still a great kid, mom, dad, teacher, friend, neighbor, husband, wife. Your kids, your spouse, your friends, THEY JUST WANT YOU. They don’t care if you can do it all. They just want you.
There is one 2020 term that I do hope stays around…that term is GRACE. We need to give ourselves grace. We have to give each other grace… Grace to not be perfect, to not do it all, and to be ok with that! The grace examples/ideas I have tried to share with friends, patients, families, coworkers are just LITTLE THINGS. There are so many simple, little changes we can do to help lighten our days and our hearts, to bring back our smiles…even if just for a few moments.

For simplicity and time, I will list a few for you here:

*Have ONE place in your home that is clutter free where you can sit and feel calm and have peace. Maybe it is a comfy chair, or has the most natural light. Maybe there is a window with a view you like to look out on, or a plant, or a picture on the wall, or it has just the right table on which to place your coffee, your water, or your snack. Maybe you like the way the clock on the wall ticks behind you, or you can hear music indirectly from the next room. Maybe there are fresh flowers, or a Christmas pine arrangement or some essential oils diffusing. Involve all of your senses! But wherever this place is…even if the rest of your house is a mess, KEEP THIS PLACE CLEAN and free of clutter. This is your haven you can escape to when everything else is swirling around you.

*Sunshine. Cool brisk air. GET OUTSIDE!! Even if you just get yourself or your kids all bundled up and simply walk outside to the mailbox or the end of the driveway or to the corner on your street. Obviously, getting more exercise will help and be rewarding, but EVEN IF you only go this short distance, the change of environment, the bright sunshine when it is there, and/or the change in temperature–the cool brisk air, will give you a “STATE CHANGE”–if you were in a slump before you got outside or if you were in the midst of an angry, frustrated rant–giving yourself a “state change” will change your perspective, will help get you (or your child) out of fight or flight mode if that is where you are stuck, and will help you take a different mental, emotional, physical path when you come back inside. (Other state changes include taking a shower or bath, eating some food, taking a nap or getting some sleep.)

*Look at some OLD pics or photo albums–flood yourself with happy memories! If you still have photo albums or scrapbooks, get them out, look through them. Transport yourself immediately back to happy times! (If you are looking at pics on your phone, go back several years. Sometimes if we are just looking back at last year, it brings more grief, sadness, in realizing what we are missing out on. But going back several years, will bring you back to younger days–either for yourself or your kiddos–and they will see physical differences–the cute, chubby smiles! :)) EVEN BETTER–look at pics with someone, or if you can’t be together, text a couple pics to a friend or family member you haven’t talked to for a long time! That instant connection and reliving old memories will flood your brain with happy thoughts and warm feelings.

*Do simple things throughout your day that bring you JOY. Choose a coffee mug you love to look at. Hang up one decoration or picture that makes you feel festive. Wrap up in a blanket you like the feel of. Make a fire in your fireplace during your work day. Use a certain pen just because you like the way the ink flows! Right? We all have that one little thing that just makes the day go more smoothly. Treat yourself!

*Finally, give yourself a break. Give yourself that grace that we were talking about before. Allow yourself to NOT send out Christmas cards this year AND let yourself ok with that. If you still feel like you HAVE to do that, then instead of Christmas cards, intentionally choose to send out “Random day in January cards!” :)We need to help each other with this as well. Help someone else give themselves grace–it is sometimes so helpful when someone else lovingly points these things out to us…”Or you could NOT do ____, and it would still be ok…”

Such simple steps, such simple reminders, and YET, so powerful in relieving the pressure, allowing ourselves and each other room to breathe again.

“Yes, I HAVE felt that way, and NO, you are not alone!” I can’t resist adding and concluding with this reminder–These are not new words! This is not a new idea. GRACE is actually not just a 2020 word. We are about to celebrate the best reminder of this. GRACE is a person. GRACE is JESUS! GRACE was sent down to us in human flesh—HE has felt all of these human emotions, and yet without sin. He died on the cross to rescue you, and me, and to restore our relationship with God, so that we can truly know, “I am not alone.”

Isaiah 9:2-3, 6-7 “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone. You have multiplied the nation; you have increased its joy…For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore.”

Psalm 71:9, 14 “…forsake me not when my strength is spent…But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.”

Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.”

ONE DAY we will finally be able to look back on this MIRY BOG of 2020/COVID TIMES with a NEW SONG in our hearts, a SONG OF PRAISE to our GOD! Until then, give yourself GRACE, and remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!