Summer “vacation”: A look back…and a look forward?

Summer.  Vacation.

Those are two very loaded words, aren’t they?  So much expectation!  For many, (maybe most?) they are full of excited anticipation.  Visions of sunshine and playtime and beaches and swimming and laughing and freedom and NO SCHOOL!   But for parents, especially parents of kids with special needs, those words may bring feelings of angst or overwhelm or maybe even dread…

I am thankful I am writing this near the end of summer.  I have survived June and July and already half of August!!  And I might even dare to say now, I have ENJOYED much of this summer!  Who knew?

Had I written during the first few weeks or month, this post may have had a less hopeful flavor.  In fact, here is a direct quote from an email I sent to a friend during that time, “I feel a giant blog post coming on about summer ‘vacation’ with 3 strong-willed boys and 2 firstborn parents!?!” (punctuated with a bunch of exasperated emojis!).

What makes summer so hard for some of us?  Well, first off, there is the complete loss of routine and the comfort that comes from knowing exactly what to expect and what will be happening next.  Instead, especially at the beginning of the summer, we have wide open space, and SO. MUCH. TIME.  Combine that with what I wrote to my friend–3 strong-willed kids and 2 firstborn parents (read: stubborn, “my way is the best way!”) and you have a million different opinions about how things should go, and a recipe for disaster unless you come up with some sort of plan!!!  Hold that thought…

And how about “vacation”?  I have recently heard a lot of different things about this word…”‘Vacation’ is just parenting in another location!”  “‘Vacation’ is just the same kind of work with a better view.”  And more recently, as I dive into the concept of REST (foreshadow for blogs coming soon…), I heard a speaker say, “We need to drop the idea of “vacation” from our concept of rest.” (Essentially, she is teaching that we need to learn & understand different ways to rest within our day to day lives.  But, you will have to wait for more on that…!)  I don’t mean to downplay vacation.  I really don’t.  Vacations as we know them, are important and fun ways to make great memories with our families and our friends!  And hopefully as we look back on them, we do have that “amnesia” (October blog post) that I have written about before, and all we remember are the fun moments…the laughter, the joy, the beautiful clips of the times things were working well, when we were using our best attributes, our strengths, and all our best attitudes were on display.  Those moments when most likely we were just being free, not worrying, not trying, not hyper-focusing on the “shoulds” and the goals and the “This is what we should be working on” lists.  Those moments when all of the hard work of the past year were hopefully shining through…and without even thinking about it, we were doing it!!  We were having fun just being together!!  Wait, maybe there IS freedom tucked inside that “vacation” word, even for special needs families!?!  We just have to choose to focus on those smaller chunks hidden inside some of the bigger calamity moments…

I’m sure we all had some of those moments too…those times when after a few days of your kids (& yourselves) being able to hold it together for the most part–acting and functioning normally while living amongst family or friends on “vacation”, and then…

…the dam broke loose…and there it was…

…the unleashing of the frustrations, maybe from the “back to reality” momentary realization of that unsettled feeling or out of control sensation when all of the routines are different…I don’t have my usual places to hide, my sources of retreat or comfort to run to…  I’m stuck in the middle of ALL.THESE.PEOPLE, and they expect me to act a certain way, and… I just can’t!!!

Or at least that’s how our kids (or we) might have felt in that moment.  And we suddenly forgot all of the calming techniques, breathing exercises, reminders to “use our words.” We retreated inside ourselves, or we lashed out with ugly disrespectful words, shouting, or kicking or screaming, or blatantly refused to do the next thing.  And all of a sudden, all eyes were on us, bewildered, wondering what in the world just happened?  What brought that on?  The feelings of judgment and shame and helplessness took our breaths away and we retreated more, or fell apart, or responded in our own ugliness and inability to hold it together any longer…

Then somehow, hopefully, we found enough strength and wisdom and energy to help bring it back to a breathable level, and we came back… to face the rest of those around us.

I’m leaving that vague on purpose…was it your child who lost it?  Or was it you?  Or both??  Was it really judgmental eyes that were on you, or was that your perception? Maybe, were they instead eyes of compassion and bewilderment, as they came to realize how hard it must be for you living your day to day life that the rest of the world typically doesn’t see… Or maybe their own eyes of helplessness, wondering what in the world could they do to support you in this?

I pray, and I KNOW, that there are those compassionate eyes and souls out there, hopefully in each one of our lives, who are willing to walk with us through those ugly moments.  Those friends, who after all of the dust settles, are willing to speak into your mess, with a quiet, “I’m sorry” if they may have had the wrong conclusion or had jumped in at the wrong time with unhelpful words.  Or those who, with a reassuring touch, or encouraging gentle reminder if they did see you turn things around, spoke quietly, “You’re doing the right thing…”  I believe those touches, those quiet words, those gentle assurances are the Lord’s way of reminding us, “I am with you.  I see you.  I will never leave you or forsake you.”  (Deut 31:8)  And they are also ways to show us WHO He may be using in each of our lives, helping us to see those who won’t shrink away when things are hard, those who are willing to stay by you when things are ugly and out of control.  Hopefully those are your family members, but even when they are not, I am willing to bet there are people in each one of our lives if we look and watch hard enough, that are willing to be there when we need them to be.

Whoa…I told you if I had written at the beginning of the summer, it would have had a less hopeful feel!?!  But, I promised a look back AND a look forward!  Yes, there have been incredibly hard parts about this summer.  But, as I do look back, both at pictures and in my memory loops, there are plenty of great things to hold onto, to cherish, and to use to move us forward.

Briefly, here is a quick list of things I think were helpful to make summer a success…things I want to be sure to remember for NEXT summer!

1) Realize and admit that yes, summer is hard for you or your family!

2) Surround yourself with people who understand and are willing to cheer you on, share ideas, and encourage you along the way (I am willing to be one of those people!!)

3) Make a loose overall plan for the summer, and get it out on paper.  We made 3 giant sized monthly calendars that ended up on our hallway door with all of our various activities.

    a) We are both working parents, so the first pass thru (which typically happens in ~April!!), is to make sure our kids are all accounted for on the days when we are both working!!

    b) The second & third passes thru are even more important in my mind…

Second pass thru–making sure there were at least a few days (or even a few chunks of hours) for just ME time–time for me to think or rest or write or read or go do something just for me.  Even though there were literally only ~3-4 of these chunks in our entire summer this year, just knowing I had at least those times to look forward to and be refreshed by, helped me to have a better, more giving attitude for my kids.

    c)  The third pass thru was hopefully the most fun…making sure there was at least one day for each kid to have their own day with just mom (or just dad, whichever the case may be), and then being able to clear our physical calendars and our mental agendas to be prepared to literally JUST BE with that child on that day, making him feel special–whether it was going somewhere or just having focused time and attention at home, or a combination of both, being present with my full being was enjoyable for them and very restful and soul-filling for me too!  (We also were lucky enough to have a few days with just the “littles” or just the “bigs” too.  It’s funny how taking away one child–no matter which one–just brings a different feel to the play, in a good way most of the time!)

4) Make a loose daily plan for the summer, and at least verbally share it with the kids, or write it out on clearly on paper too.  This just helps everyone to know what to expect and to be on the same page.  This means, when do they get screen time? What chores will they have to do and when? Will we have some quiet time each day?  Will we have outside time each day?  When will we be able to go somewhere or have friends over each day?  When will we have to do some “school pages” or reading time?  When we will have family time?  etc.

Doing just this little bit of planning truly helped us to have a lot of happy, smiling, joyful picture reels to look back on–both on my camera and in our minds–especially from each one of their special days!  Those one-on-one days will be the ones I cherish the most, hands down!!

There were, of course, still those days of everyone falling apart, feeling unsettled, with chaos ensuing and discouragement settling in.  There were still those weekends or “vacations” that left us feeling ready to come home.  But, even in those…maybe especially in those…I think there is hidden treasure, right?  Those moments, those feelings, remind us that we do feel most secure and most content at home!!  Or at least in the peace and comfort of our consistent routines!!!

So, let’s go create some new routines, right?  Oh wait, first I have one last special day to enjoy–I get to spend today with my middle boy!  We’re off to go watch some boats!!  His favorite thing to do, and for today…mine too.