The LIGHT of Christmas

I know I haven’t posted for awhile. I spoke at our church’s women’s ministry Christmas party this week. Thought I would share here!

Merry Christmas! 🎄 🌟

Women of Waterbrooke, 12/14/23 Christmas Party Devotional: 

LIGHT

I have a super cute tiny Christmas tree right in front of where I sit in the mornings to have my “Jesus & coffee” time. It has these little miniature ornaments that each are a part of the nativity scene. It’s adorable.  I love it!  But there’s something about the slightly bigger tree just above it on my husband’s dresser that always catches my eye and attention.  That tree was just an afterthought that my oldest son put there after I had sort of given up on putting out any more Christmas decorations this year!  

I’ve been sick with some sort of death like pneumonia/asthma/sinus thing for the past couple of weeks! It has been both awful and kind of good. Awful in that for many days I have had zero energy to do anything except try to breathe without coughing from the bottom of my toes! And you know what happens when the mom of the house is taken down…especially at Christmas!?  Who’s going to do “all the things?” No offense to the dads.  I really do have an amazing husband who does A LOT to help around the house and for our kids (it’s kind of what you are signing up for when you marry a dr who works long hours!).  But even with awesome dads we all know it’s the moms & the women who know how to bring that Christmas magic to the season!

Well, I don’t know about you all, but I was TIRED even going into this Christmas, before I actually got sick.  It seems to be a thing this year—everyone is EXHAUSTED & overwhelmed all the time, never feeling like there is enough time to get everything done in general, let alone adding on the many, many “to do lists” that swim around in our brains at Christmas time! Does anyone else feel this or see this right now in your friends??  On Nov 16, (I went back and checked the date), I actually made up my own meme that seemed to strike a chord with at least my FB friends.  It said, “Welcome to the season of ‘all mom brains are overflowing’ until ~Jan 8!” (which is when at least my kids head back to school!)  ANYWAY, all that to say, “I’ve been even more exhausted than usual and tried to just do the bare minimum of taking out Christmas decorations.”

But I did also say there have been some super fun things about being sick. I’ve been able to see what happens when I literally CAN’T step in to help (or boss people around and tell them, “That’s not where that goes!”) We had a sweet, sweet time of decorating the tree the other night that I never would have imagined could have happened. Our 3^rd son, the most stubborn one, was super tired from the million birthday parties he’s been going to lately and refused to come down. Even when my oldest—a junior in high school—said, “C’mon! This is family time! I only have 2 more Christmases before I move out!?!” AHHHH! To be honest, I probably would have stomped upstairs and forced #3 to come down and we would have all been crabby and miserable arguing constantly while we decorated the tree! Fun, right? But I literally didn’t have the energy to get up. So, it was just my oldest and my middle—my sweet, easy one—even though he is on the autism spectrum. Those two had a GREAT time—mostly cracking jokes and taking jabs at each other while they went back and forth unwrapping and then hanging ornaments on the tree. I could just see my middle feeling “puffed up,” being able to be right in the center of the activity having fun for once, instead of always being overshadowed by the 2 strong redheads that surround him! Even now, a couple weeks later, the sweetness of that night is still in my mind and heart as the best moment so far this season.

Why in the world did I share that long windy intro?  Well back to the tree on top of my husband’s dresser—the one that was an afterthought.  It has literally nothing on it except white lights. And yet there is something about those lights, something about LIGHT in general that just screams Christmas time! 

I’ve been going through this new advent devotional this year (I think recommended by a Christian woman writer or podcaster that I follow), called “NEAR: He Came Here to Draw Us Near.”  It uses the gospel of Matthew, one chapter a day, to help lead up to Christmas time with a much fuller understanding of who Jesus is and why we celebrate His birth. 

The whole second week has been focused on this idea of LIGHT.  Jesus as LIGHT.  “He came to bring LIGHT” is the theme of the week.  LIGHT in the storms of life, guiding LIGHT, LIGHT over darkness, LIGHT that unburdens, LIGHT that reflects, LIGHT that reveals, & LIGHT in the dead of night or on our darkest day . We won’t go through all of them in detail—Michelle said I don’t get to have the whole two hours tonight! 😊 But I did want to highlight a few. 

The first one really struck me. “LIGHT in the Storms of Life.”  Being sick has not been the only struggle in our home these past few weeks.  The Lord has allowed some big storms for us to navigate through.  He is not letting us go through them alone, of course, but He has definitely had us on our knees begging for His calm, His peace, His wisdom, and His guidance through these storms.  Matthew 8:23-27 tells the story of the apostles in the boat in the storm with Jesus.  “And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him.  And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep.  And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.  And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?” 

Jesus’ question hit me as I read it this time.  “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Why AM I afraid? What is it about this storm that makes me doubt? 

The disciples in the boat knew his POWER.  They had literally JUST seen Him perform many miracles—healing & saving.  They knew this man, this POWER, was in the boat with them.  And yet, when the waves got big, the storms were rough & they were overwhelmed, they panicked.  They doubted.  When they did remember to ask Jesus for help, I can imagine they were even a little sassy/exacerbated as they yelled at him (they’re sinners like us, right?).  And I just imagine Jesus very quietly (holding back the big sigh that you & I would give to show our annoyance…since He never sinned!), standing up, rebuking the winds and the sea, and then just silently, wordlessly, crawling back into his corner to sleep! We aren’t told exactly what happens next, so I could be right!? 

What I love about this devotional book is that the author pulls out an old testament verse that correlates with the Matthew story for each day.  When you read Matthew, you know he is very precise in his detailing.  He mostly quotes word for word what Jesus says, and you read many times, “and this was to fulfill the Old Testament prophesy…” For this story, she pulls Psalm 89:3-4 “Who is like you, LORD GOD ALMIGHTY? You, LORD, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you.  You rule over the surging sea; when the waves mount up, you still them.” 

Jesus has authority over the seas.  He created them, He parted them (the Red Sea in Exodus), and He stills them.  In the same way, He can still our souls as we go through the storms of life. But the theme was supposed to be LIGHT, right? Hold on, we’re getting there. Think about how beautiful and bright and clear it often is after a big storm.  The author says this, “There’s something about the light that appears after the darkness of a storm.  As my teen boys would say, ‘It hits different.’” (My youngest says that all the time! “I’m just built different, Mom!” 😊HA!) She goes on to say, “There’s a calmness and peace and stillness that radiates with that light…”  For anyone who wears glasses or contacts, it reminds me of that too—either putting in a fresh pair of contacts or getting a new rx for your glasses.  You’ve been living with the dull, even sometimes blurry fog of your old rx—functioning, but not well. And then you put on the new ones and suddenly everything is sharp and so clear.  It’s literally exciting! (Or maybe that’s just me…) 

Back to the devo again, that sharp clear, bright after the storm, “I’s a reminder that Jesus, the Son of God, shines as bright as the sun when the storms cease, the dark clouds lift, and the winds of the storms shift to bring about a stillness that wasn’t present moments earlier as the storm was raging.” 

SUCH a BEAUTIFUL TRUTH!  That stark contrast—The LIGHT of God’s wisdom and peace truly breaks forth and overcomes the darkness.  And yet, we don’t see the beauty or the clarity of that sweet pure light unless we have made it through the darkness of the storm, or the illness, or the depression, or the family conflicts/hard feelings/old patterns that often come up as we prepare to gather together at Christmas time…

But He is there.  He is with us.  He is in the boat.  We just need to call on Him…more about that in a minute…

There is one more of these light themes that I wanted to talk about more in detail. 

But first, a 10,000 foot view of the other days/themes in this “LIGHT week.” 

There is also “Guiding LIGHT,” which describes a story in Matthew 9:36 when it says, “When He {Jesus} saw the crowds, He had compassion for them…” they were “like sheep without a shepherd.  He leads us.  His LIGHT shepherds us, guides us…

Then Matthew 10, “LIGHT over Darkness,” which describes Matthew 10:27-28, and Isaiah 42:16 which is a verse I LOVE, “And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.  These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.” Isn’t that awesome? He truly goes before us, makes a way, and battles with us over “this present darkness,” the spiritual battles in our everyday lives. 

Then Matthew 11, “LIGHT that Unburdens.“ This one, I will admit, she really plays on the words to make this fit.  Matthew 11:28-29 is the “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” verse.  He not only lights the way by the brightness of His presence, but He lightens our burdens by the mightiness of His strength and power. 

Matthew 12, “LIGHT that Reflects.”  We are image bearers.  Matthew 12:33-37 “…for the tree is known by its fruit…” and Genesis 1:27“in the image of God He created him; male and female he created them.” We are made in His image.  I do like this quote/truth the author shares in this section.  “What is manmade or manufactured will malfunction.  Artificial light will always dim and eventually burn out.  You can change bulbs or batteries in an effort to keep things bright, but eventually anything in and of this world will lose its light, cease to shine, and grow dark.”   BUT GOD, right?? The Son of God “is our source of light and life.  He defeated spiritual darkness by defeating death, and He was and is and forever will be the Light of the World.” We as image bearers get to reflect this light.  “When we are fully following Christ, empty of ourselves and full of Him, we can light up the darkest places simply by reflecting His light.” (2 Corinthians 3:18 “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.)

Finally, my favorite part this season, “LIGHT that Reveals.” This is based on Matthew, chapter 13, which is FULL of parables—the parable of the sower and the various places where the seeds land—on the path, on the rocks, in the thorns, and in the good soil; there is the parable of the weeds—the sower plants good seeds in his fields, and while he is sleeping, the evil one plants weeds amidst the wheat; the parable of the mustard seed and the leaven; and the parable of the hidden treasure in the field—the pearl of great value. It is also in this chapter when the disciples have the guts to ask Jesus, what in the world is up with all these parables? Why do you talk like this?? Matthew 13:13-15 Jesus says, “This is why I speak to them in parables, because seeing they do not see, and hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand.  Indeed, in their case the prophecy of Isaiah is fulfilled that says, ‘You will indeed hear but never understand, and you will indeed see but never perceive.’  For this people’s heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.”  And then MY favorite part, vs 16-17, “But BLESSED are your eyes, for they see, and your ears, for they hear.  For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.” It is SUCH a GIFT to be able to see.  To have His LIGHT REVEAL to us His Word, Himself.  As He, Jesus, reveals Himself to us, He is revealing who God is.  Immanuel, God with us.  Jesus came down, in the flesh.  God knew we would never understand without us being able to see Him as we are.  He came down fully human like us—to show us who God is.  To LIVE with us, PERFECTLY without sin, as we couldn’t do.  To die for us, because we could never be good enough, and then to be raised again, now seated at the right hand of God, praying for us.  But even more, after He left, He gave us the gift of His Spirit.  Through His Spirit, the LIGHT of revelation/illumination, our eyes get to be open to all that He says to us in His Word—way back when, when the Bible was written, but also every day NOW, every time we open His living, breathing Word.  His LIGHT reveals to our hearts what He wants us to see; how He wants to guide us; to fight for us over the darkness; to carry us with His power through the storms of our lives, SO THAT we are able to see the many, many miracles and works He does in our lives.  And through us, as image bears, as we share what He has done in our lives, as we take the time to pause and remember, choosing what we will focus our eyes on during this busy Christmas season…As we celebrate what is truly important, as we see all the lights this season and remember all the ways He is the Light of the World, WE are reflecting HIS glory.  And hopefully many will see and hear and put their trust in Jesus! 

I will close with one of the author’s prayers from the NEAR devotional, and then we will talk about what we’ll be doing next!

“Father, thank you for your gift of Light through your Son, Jesus Christ.  He truly pierces the darkness and lights the way on my darkest day, and in my darkest night.  I pray you’d continue to calm my heart and quiet my spirit as you remind me not to fear.  You have given me victory over sin and death.  I long to know you more every day and grow brighter for you in this dark world.  Thank you for drawing near to me, so that I can draw near to you every day through the time I spend in your Word and in prayer, seeking your face, longing to better understand your ways so I can better live out your will. Help me understand your Word on a deeper level.  Use me as a beacon of hope in the dead of night for those who are lost and alone and in need of a Savior.  Lead them to the Father of Light, who gave us the Light of the World.  In Jesus’ precious name, Amen.”

I do have a challenge for you…

CHALLENGE: In these next 10-11 days before Christmas, take some moments to just BE STILL, to pause, to breathe, to stare at the LIGHTS of CHRISTMAS, to remember & be thankful for all that they mean.  As you pause and sit, ask Him—LORD, show me what you want me to see? Show me where I need to believe more and fear less (the Q Jesus asks in the boat, “O, you of little faith? Why do you doubt?”).  And then don’t forget to LISTEN.  He will show you.  He is the Light of the World!

QUESTIONS for GROUPS: 

1)     FAVORITE DECORATION? If you only had time or energy to put out ONE thing, what would it be and why? 

2)     FAVORITE TRADITION? With your family growing up, or your family now? Or a tradition you have done together with friends? 

3)     QUIET TIME—Do you have a “Jesus & coffee time?” If so, what does that look like? Is it the same or different during the Christmas season? 

4)     Optional for discussion, but “mandatory to do!” (Maybe on your drive home tonight.) 😊

Set ONE specific GOAL for yourself in this quiet time area for some time in the next 10 days. And we’ve all heard how the more specific you make it the more likely you are to follow through… ie. On Tuesday morning this week, I am going to wake up while it is still dark and sit downstairs by my Christmas tree or my nativity scene.  I’m going to drink mint tea and sit in the comfy chair with the red blanket, and I’m going to read day 19 of my “NEAR” Christmas devotional.  Before I start reading, I am going to ask Him to show me one truth He wants me to see.  And then before I get up from my time, I am going to ask God who He wants me to connect with that day and how—phone call, text, email, etc. And then I am also going to thank Him for my sweet time with Him.

Ok, maybe it doesn’t have to be that detailed, but you get the idea! 

Merry Christmas! 

Isaiah 9:2, 6-7 “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone… For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

Depression confession…

My “depression confession”…

I have been waiting to figure out how and when I would share this story, my story.  It seems this Easter weekend, on the Saturday between “Good” Friday– remembering the darkness of that day, and yet knowing the end of the story and the Hope that is to come tomorrow, Easter–Resurrection Sunday…this seems like a good time! 

You mostly know me as the encourager, the cheerleader, the “I’ve got some great wisdom for you” doctor, friend, sister, daughter, mom, wife.  But in the past several months now, that person has been harder and harder to find. Several weeks ago, I listened to a CME (continuing medical education) talk called “Who Heals the Healer?” Part of the presentation included slides with “health care worker” in the middle and all of the various “traumas” surrounding us from the past two years that have pounded and pressed and compounded, essentially reminding us we are VERY human and there are limits to what we can handle.  That was the first step in me taking a moment to REALLY realize–admit?–how I was doing…

Over the next few days, I started putting out “feelers” to friends & co-workers I knew who had been down the depression/anxiety path before…still trying to figure out was this really happening to me? 

Eventually this led to me “raising the white flag” and sending this message to my own dr (also a colleague and friend)…

“Hi Anne. Well, you’ve always said, let me know if you need help with all of the stresses of life!  I think it’s time… Short summary is, I just feel like I don’t have any reserves left and can’t shake the darkness. Longer story, I’m usually the cheerleader everywhere in my life–home, work, family, friends, and now I am barely keeping on top of the bare minimum of life and everything else irritates me more than it should.  I can’t handle taking on anyone else’s emotions, which is not a good place to be considering my high needs kids and practice, actually!  I keep trying all the things I know–walking, eating well, reading, resting, meeting with friends, my spiritual life–they will work for a few days and then I sink back down to an overeating, wanting to sleep all day, mess! 😦 

So, I have my well check next week with you. Not sure if you would want to start something before that (oh, and also I am headed on a big supposed to be fun, but undoubtedly will be stressful, spring break trip on 3/27–California–Disneyland, Legoland, and beach!?), or if you want to wait until I come in?

In case you are not in today–nursing–it is ok to wait until she comes back. I am also a physician.  I am not suicidal and not thinking of hurting myself and know my resources! 

Thank you all! 

Humbly, 

melissa”

(I included the whole message, word for word, as several people have since commented to me, “You are STILL taking care of others even as you send your cry for help–not wanting the nursing team to have to do extra work to make sure you are ok!?”)

It was amazing the sense of calm relief that came over me even as I pushed “send”. Just taking that tiny/HUGE step of admitting and then asking for help, lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders and cleared a big chunk of space in my mind that had been ruminating and wondering for likely much longer than I should have been.  And then, I copied and pasted the message to share with my circle–my inner circle of my besties, my family, and those who had been supporting me through these past heavy, dark years of COVID.  Again, more and more weight lifted as the responses of love and support came pouring in.  Lots of tears as I heard and read their words, but a new sense of hope and even a hint of joy started to break through. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks.  Thankfully my amazing dr DID send a prescription for me right then*, and I likely experienced the “honeymoon phase” of the medication working really well right at the beginning, blessedly right during our California trip, which as many of you saw, was an awesome time with our family and some of our lifelong friends, making many sweet memories! (*I am not saying that everyone in this situation needs medicine.  Sometimes therapy/counseling, other supports are enough…more on this in future posts!) 

And then, back to real life… 

The past few weeks since we’ve been home have been rough again, I will admit.  Of course, there is always the post-vacay blues and jet lag…and then our boys were sick off & on for the next several days with all of the illnesses that have come flooding back as we begin to remove our COVID masks!  And the heaviness of my job, still with the unknown horizon of what COVID may bring next, and even harder, the path of mental health destruction and devastation for kids and families that it has caused along the way, still bombard me every day.

And yet, God…

“But God…”

In His loving faithfulness, it is Easter season…Holy Week!  And while I have felt so much silly guilt that I have not had the energy or the desire to do all the things we usually do–get out our bright Easter decorations, go through our tradition of creating and acting out the Easter story with the playdoh tomb, reading through the verses as a family using our Resurrection eggs that re-tell the Easter story…Even without these traditions…He has still been faithful to me–helping me to still long for my morning time with Him, in His word, reading my own Lent devotional, re-telling the stories of Jesus’ life leading up to this Holy Week and His amazing sacrifice for each one of us, for ME!  

The light in this darkness has been His preparation in me.  And in this gloomy COLD, DARK, NEVERENDING WINTER/”SPRING”, especially in MN, HIS intense light and faithfulness and HOPE has been brought to life so much more clearly during this Easter season for me (and I pray for you!). 

In His faithfulness, we were able to make it to our church’s beautiful and powerful Good Friday service last night, with powerful theatrical, yet word-for-word scripture readings with background sound effects helping us truly feel we were sitting inside the story.  Even our usually squirrely boys were silent, captivated by the power of the story and the truth it held, especially as our pastor included a refrain to help us hear it and say it and internalize it for ourselves…After reading some of the details of the story and all of the previously prophesied events that came true, he would say, “What do you think about that?” And we were to answer, “UNBELIEVABLE!” To which he said, “He did this for us.”  And we got to say these powerfully intimate words, “He did this for me!”

Then, as I woke up this morning again to another initially cloudy, cold day, my scripture readings came alive even more–on this Easter Saturday, the day of waiting, the day between the darkness of Good Friday–when God poured out His wrath for OUR sins onto His Son, Jesus, our sinless Saviour, who willingly died in our place on the cross–and the HOPE of Easter Sunday, when the empty tomb was revealed because Jesus had been resurrected!…

John 14:1 {Jesus speaking in the days before his death}…”LET NOT YOUR HEARTS BE TROUBLED. Believe in God; believe also in me…

…If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also…

John 14:6 “I am the Way, and the Truth and the Life.  No one comes to the Father except through me…”

…Whoever has seen me has seen the Father.”

…Because I live, you also will live.  In that day, you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you…”

…And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him…

John 14:26 “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.

LET NOT YOUR HEARTS BE TROUBLED, neither let them be afraid…

…And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe.” 

He is so faithful!!  We are so loved! He sees us, He knows us–each one of us intimately.  The Bible says He knows every thought before it even comes to mind.  He knows every hair on our head.  He sees, He loves, He cares.  

I was blessed to have so much love and support when I stepped out of my inward thoughts and truly shared what was going on.  But even if you feel like there is no one in your life who will understand, or maybe worse, you feel you will receive condemnation if you speak out about how you are feeling, know that there is One who will never leave you nor forsake you.  He loves you, He died for you.  He will make you new…ALIVE IN HIM! 

Easter is coming!  Spoiler alert–the tomb is empty!  Jesus is ALIVE.  And He is walking with us, with you, with me, every step of the way. 

Be brave.  Cry out to Him. Ask Him who in your life may be a safe person to share your story with.  Courageously take that next step. And know that even if you feel all alone in this world, you are not.  He will turn your darkness into light.  He will make your paths straight.

And from me, Melissa, Dr. Melissa, friend Melissa, daughter, sister, neighbor, wife, mom, colleague Melissa…I see you.  I love you.  I am for you.  I am in your corner.  But I am only human.  I will surely fail you in my own weaknesses from time to time.  

But God…!  He is unchanging, and He will NEVER fail you.  His promises never fail. 

Psalm 18:28 “For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.”

Isaiah 42:16 “And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.  These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.”

“BUT GOD…!”  HE is FAITHFUL!  

Much love to you from the bottom of my heart!  And Happy Easter! 

Humbly,

Melissa

Never a perfect picture!

Most of you know…I take A LOT of pictures! And I post a lot of pictures. Just recently one of my best friends in San Diego posted on her own FB/Instagram pages a mini blog that completely resonated with me. It is exactly why I take so many pics too. (With her permission, I share her words below.)

Some of my pics are purely just to record fun moments. But some are so much deeper for me, for our family… I have an album in my picture files on my phone. I call it “All the feels.” It is full of those pics that are captured “just after the storms.” I’ll let you read my friend Tasha’s words, and then I will explain more…

“Pictures capture a single moment that is sometimes just perfect. I love taking pictures because I love the hunt. It’s like a treasure to be found. To me, photography is that way, a treasure. It’s crazy how that perfect picture can sometimes magically encapsulate the essence of someone, like you are truly seeing the soul of that person. Or you can say that same thing about a picture of an event or even a photograph of landscape or a single thing in nature. A snapshot can be so beautiful and tell so much. Hence, the saying, ‘a picture is worth a thousand words.’ On the other hand, sometimes you just get lucky with a snapshot of one second in time that actually contradicts what is really happening. It can be so deceiving. You don’t see the hurt, or the bitterness, or the sorrow, or the depression, the frustration or anger, or even the loneliness that is really going on in someone’s heart. The definition of a snapshot is literally ‘a photograph taken quickly.’ It is one single moment within a series of moments, of moments within a series of a day, of a day within a series of days (plural) strung together…and so on and so on…and sometimes that perfect moment captured does not portray what is really going on in a person’s life.
I took a bunch of pictures (as I always do) Christmas day and Christmas “weekend” and some of them, you’ll see here, just capture the right look, at the right time, in the right lighting, and it is just “perfect”. But our family is FAARRR from perfect. My marriage is far from perfect. My friendships are far from perfect. My kids and my relationship with my kids is far from perfect. And I am far from perfect.I think these are great pictures, but keep in mind, it doesn’t reflect a perfect person with a perfect life. Rather, a perfect God who made nature perfect and who made each human being, unique…It reflects the God who made his creation (people and nature) beautiful just the way you will see it here. They are portraits that tell the story of His redeeming love.❤️“

(Before I continue, know that the stories I will share, I share with permission from my family, my friend, and our pastor.)

I resonate with all of Tasha’s words. I love how she describes it as a hunt. I also feel like I am trying to tell a story through my pics. It is our story. Sometimes it comes across on the surface as “picture perfect.” And yet, we are not.

Especially during this time–over the holidays, in the darkest winter months–it is so easy to fall into bouts of dark thinking. We feel like we don’t measure up. As we reflect on the year, we realize our failures more easily than we see the good that has come over the year. Feelings of loneliness are exaggerated, especially as we scroll through social media seeing all of the “perfect” family gatherings that may not look like our own.

But there are stories and imperfections and real life moments behind all of these pics! There is fighting and frustration and grief and regret. My friend admitted that she and her husband almost always get in a big fight right around Christmas time. Are they the only ones? Of course not. Her admission prompted me to share in a reply on her post that guess what? The Weis family actually got into a giant fight WHILE we were holding our candles and singing “Silent Night” as we tried to watch our church’s Christmas Eve service virtually online!? Yep! True story–we were actually yelling and screaming at each other. Pent up frustration from the day, from these crazy times. I don’t actually remember the trigger now, but I know there was unspoken grief and sadness in not being able to be together with our family the way we typically would. And I know that even though our boys wouldn’t voice it outloud, they do also love the tradition that is part of most churches across the world, of ending the Christmas Eve service being allowed the privilege and trust of holding a real live lit candle and singing sweetly in the dark at the end of the service, “Silent Night, Holy Night, All is Calm, All is bright. Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child. Holy infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace…Radiant beams from thy holy face. With the dawn of Redeeming Grace. Jesus, Lord at the birth…Shepherds quake at the sight. Glorious stream from heavens above. Heavenly hosts sing Hallelujah. Christ the Savior is Born!” I also know it is not “normal” to watch the Christmas Eve service online. It was hard to be quiet, especially when they were just being excited kids, who still couldn’t wait for the morning when they would be able to open presents no matter the new and unusual logistics of the 2020 year. And I also know we were overtired parents, feeling our own grief over the strangeness of the year, and the isolation, who desperately wanted to quietly soak in the news of Hope, of our Savior being born, of the comfort of the scriptures. The clashing of these two ideals met in frustrated yelling and pleading, which just “pushed buttons” further, and created louder and louder chaos in a moment that “should have been” full of peace.

And I took pictures… I knew that somehow we would want to remember this night, this time…

And I knew we would want to remember the truth that our pastor had actually preached that night. The theme of his Christmas Eve message just a few minutes before had literally been, “I want you to ask yourselves this question, ‘What was your WORST moment in 2020? Your worst moment as a dad, or a mom, or a wife or a husband…your worst failure, etc.?” Before the yelling and screaming during Silent Night happened, I was instantly thinking about the huge fight that my husband and I had had a few days prior. We had literally sunk to a new depth of low, just DAYS after we had shared (& posted pictures of!) our mountain top 15 year anniversary day date! Real life moments…behind “perfect” pics…

And yet, THIS was the message of Christmas! The message our beloved pastor was sharing on Christmas Eve. We often think, and Christmas carols often sing, “What kind of gifts shall we bring to a king?” We try to polish everything up. We work to try to bring our best. But that is NOT the gospel message. The Christmas message, the gospel message, is that we are able to bring our WORST, and we are able to receive God’s BEST through His gift of Jesus Christ our Savior. He lived the perfect life for us, so that we could RECEIVE HIS BEST! That is the way we honor Him. We don’t have to pretend we have it all together. We honor Him by bringing our real life messy moments and acknowledging that He is enough. His grace is SUFFICIENT. He has done the work, has paid for our sins, so that we can be righteous in God’s sight and be reconciled with Him forever. The messy moments are real. I truly believe, had our computer screen been a two way live connection, that our pastor would have said to us, “Weis family, I see you. I see you in this difficult moment of yelling & screaming at each other even during this singing of Silent Night!? Bring THIS MOMENT to Jesus. Bring your worst, and receive HIS BEST!”

This is why I take so many pics. This is why we share so openly our lives. Some, we know, feel like we share too much. But this is our story! This is our ministry! We want to share the real, the ugly, the messy, so that others may know, it is ok to struggle. It is ok to talk about these things. We are never alone. Our family has felt that isolation in our struggles before. We know the comfort of knowing that HE KNOWS, HE SEES, and HE LOVES us in spite of our imperfections and our struggles. We are blessed to have friends we can call on, or text,or email, in the heat of the moment, to beg for prayer when we are struggling. (We just had to do that yesterday!) The only way we have developed these friendships has been by being real, by sharing openly, and by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. We have been so blessed by these relationships, by “our people” who know us and love us and encourage us just as we are. And it is our family’s greatest desire that we would either be “your people,” or we would encourage you to be brave and take that step of sharing your real story–your real fears, your real failures, your “worst!” with trusted people in your own lives, so that you can find “your people.” Bring your worst to Jesus, so you can receive His best!

I know I will keep taking pics–I will pursue the moments, the hunt! I will keep sharing pics. When life is hard, I need these pics to remind me of the beautiful and peaceful moments that are there to be found. Please know that yes, some of them truly will be bright beautiful fun moments! But some of them may be the calm before the storm, and some of them will be the beautiful faces of redemption–of the peace and the joy that comes from staying in the fight, of bringing all of our cares and frustrations and anger and shame and disappointments to God, and allowing Him to work in our hearts and our souls to restore our connections, both with Him and with each other. THOSE will be the pics that go into my treasured album, “All the Feels.”

I/we–my family, along with our pastor, and with my friend, Tasha, we pray for you this Christmas, this end of 2020…bring God your worst, so you may receive HIS BEST!

2 Corinthians 8:9 “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich.”2 Corinthians 5:21 (A verse my sweet husband has taught our boys to say with us before bed.) “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

(Not pictured: the giant fight AFTER our anniversary, the yelling and screaming DURING silent night…Pictures DO include: our mountain top 15yr anniversary day date; beautiful silent night candle lighting; the “forced family fun” selfie after the silent night escapade that really did bring about belly laughs so we were able to sleep more peacefully; “new mercies every morning” Christmas Day sunrise; and just last night sweet sweet laughter from our youngest redhead after a not so sweet battle that required text “in the moment prayers” from “our people” earlier that day.)

“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;” Lamentations 3:22

No, You are NOT Alone!

“Yes, I have felt that way, and NO, You are NOT Alone!” Most of you know, our family has chosen to pretty much live in a fish bowl. What I mean by that is we have intentionally decided to be very transparent and open about the struggles we go through. Our reason for doing that, is so that other people (friends, coworkers, neighbors, family members), when they come across these difficult situations themselves, feel comfortable approaching us to talk about it. There is SUCH power and comfort in knowing you are not alone!

I’ve felt a little nudge lately to write again, as we dive into this exhausting sort of second round of intense isolation with the push from many school districts, at least in our state, to go back to full distance learning. And now this time, even though the logistics and technology MAY be ironed out a bit better than they were in the spring, we are all unfortunately starting this next phase physically, emotionally, mentally, and maybe even spiritually EXHAUSTED and drained. “COVID fatigue” is another one of the 2020 terms we hope to never use again when we eventually finally emerge from all of this!

I’m writing this time, since I think so many people are SO exhausted and overwhelmed and defeated they don’t even have the energy to type out and post the frustrated rant on social media, or call a friend or family member for support. We’re so far into this drudgery that we have given up hope that anything will even make it better, or make us feel better, so we just keep dragging ourselves along, going through the motions. And worse yet, when we don’t even take the time or the chance to express these thoughts and feelings, the darkness gets worse and our thoughts get distorted. We begin to think and ask and believe, “AM I/ARE WE THE ONLY ONES WHO FEEL THIS WAY???” When we do go to FB or Instagram, we see all of the glossy, cleaned up pics and moments when distance learning is going well and kids look so cute in their jammies, curled up with the kitty as they listen to their teacher or write in their writing journals. But, in those newsfeeds, we will never come across the pics of the whole family screaming at each other; or the kid sobbing on their bed, curled up in a ball under their covers because their brain is full and they just can’t do anymore; or the teen who has not been in school for months and may or may not have physically seen a friend in person for days or weeks, who is dying inside unable to express all of these thoughts and feelings that usually come out in casual conversations as they bump into each other and laugh and joke in the hallways at school or stay up all night at sleepovers, naturally going back and forth between pranks and jokes to brave admissions of “I was thinking about ____the other day,” as they carefully watch the facial expression and body language response from their friends to see if this is something they’ve ever experienced as well; or the parent who is completely spent after making multiple meals every day, taking care of all of the “adulting”, trying to keep their own job, trying to make at least an effort to help their kids with school work, or at least know a little bit about what they are doing, who gets set off by one little mess they see in their home that has been driving them crazy for months or one sarcastic retort from their kid or spouse, and they LOSE IT, suddenly exploding, angrily shouting all of those pent up feelings and fears they’ve been stuffing for days or weeks or months, and they scream and cry and often finally collapse and then feel the guilt, the remorse, the “How could I talk to my kids that way?” “I’m the worst parent ever.” “No one else talks to their kid/spouse that way.” “No one else has kids like this!” “Everyone else’s kids have chores they keep up with, and they listen when they’re asked to do something.” “Everyone else’s kids are doing great at this distance learning thing.” “No one else has to help their kid this much!” “How come all of these parents are asking for MORE work for their kids? We can’t even keep up with what we have!?”

Trust me…YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I have the humbling privilege of being intimately inside family’s homes–sometimes quite literally these days through virtual appointments with me on their screen in their living room/bedroom, etc! But even in person in my office, I see the defeated, sometimes guilt-ridden looks on faces when we think we are not doing anything well! I see these faces on kids, on parents–both moms & dads, on my coworkers, on our supervisors, and especially on the faces of parents who are also teachers themselves–what I think is the most impossible combination right now–those teachers who are also parents, trying to teach from home, all the while also trying to help their own kids learn OR feeling immense guilt when they can’t because their own onscreen appearances are so tightly scheduled, they can’t step away when their own kids need them, or when the hundreds of online submissions from their students are calling on their time after they’ve already put in hours during the “regular school day”! And, as one of my seasoned teacher friends insightfully said recently, “We are all rookies! None of us are even first year teachers, having been prepared just a little bit through our student teaching times! We are all making it up as we go along!” SO, so exhausting and heartbreaking. And I KNOW it is not just teachers and healthcare workers having these kinds of feelings of being split and emotionally done after hard days at work. I know there are corporate jobs and service jobs, and retail jobs, and more–everyone is having to “pivot” (there’s another one of those eye-rolling 2020 words!?) and re-envision how this all works.

But, we can help each other. There can be light. There can be relief…even if only for a few moments.

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen the above faces (kids and adults) immediately soften, the body language relax, sometimes the tears well up, when I just listen, and smile and nod, and say, “You are not the only one who is feeling this way.” Or, “You are not the only one who has done that!” And even more pronounced are the physically relaxed and relieved responses when I ask them to look into my eyes and I give them permission to JUST DO THE BEST THAT THEY CAN. You are enough! Even if all the assignments don’t get turned in. Even if all of the grades aren’t passing. Even if you aren’t having home cooked nutritious meals every night. Even if your house is a mess. Even if you haven’t worn zipping and buttoning pants for months! You are enough. You are still a great kid, mom, dad, teacher, friend, neighbor, husband, wife. Your kids, your spouse, your friends, THEY JUST WANT YOU. They don’t care if you can do it all. They just want you.
There is one 2020 term that I do hope stays around…that term is GRACE. We need to give ourselves grace. We have to give each other grace… Grace to not be perfect, to not do it all, and to be ok with that! The grace examples/ideas I have tried to share with friends, patients, families, coworkers are just LITTLE THINGS. There are so many simple, little changes we can do to help lighten our days and our hearts, to bring back our smiles…even if just for a few moments.

For simplicity and time, I will list a few for you here:

*Have ONE place in your home that is clutter free where you can sit and feel calm and have peace. Maybe it is a comfy chair, or has the most natural light. Maybe there is a window with a view you like to look out on, or a plant, or a picture on the wall, or it has just the right table on which to place your coffee, your water, or your snack. Maybe you like the way the clock on the wall ticks behind you, or you can hear music indirectly from the next room. Maybe there are fresh flowers, or a Christmas pine arrangement or some essential oils diffusing. Involve all of your senses! But wherever this place is…even if the rest of your house is a mess, KEEP THIS PLACE CLEAN and free of clutter. This is your haven you can escape to when everything else is swirling around you.

*Sunshine. Cool brisk air. GET OUTSIDE!! Even if you just get yourself or your kids all bundled up and simply walk outside to the mailbox or the end of the driveway or to the corner on your street. Obviously, getting more exercise will help and be rewarding, but EVEN IF you only go this short distance, the change of environment, the bright sunshine when it is there, and/or the change in temperature–the cool brisk air, will give you a “STATE CHANGE”–if you were in a slump before you got outside or if you were in the midst of an angry, frustrated rant–giving yourself a “state change” will change your perspective, will help get you (or your child) out of fight or flight mode if that is where you are stuck, and will help you take a different mental, emotional, physical path when you come back inside. (Other state changes include taking a shower or bath, eating some food, taking a nap or getting some sleep.)

*Look at some OLD pics or photo albums–flood yourself with happy memories! If you still have photo albums or scrapbooks, get them out, look through them. Transport yourself immediately back to happy times! (If you are looking at pics on your phone, go back several years. Sometimes if we are just looking back at last year, it brings more grief, sadness, in realizing what we are missing out on. But going back several years, will bring you back to younger days–either for yourself or your kiddos–and they will see physical differences–the cute, chubby smiles! :)) EVEN BETTER–look at pics with someone, or if you can’t be together, text a couple pics to a friend or family member you haven’t talked to for a long time! That instant connection and reliving old memories will flood your brain with happy thoughts and warm feelings.

*Do simple things throughout your day that bring you JOY. Choose a coffee mug you love to look at. Hang up one decoration or picture that makes you feel festive. Wrap up in a blanket you like the feel of. Make a fire in your fireplace during your work day. Use a certain pen just because you like the way the ink flows! Right? We all have that one little thing that just makes the day go more smoothly. Treat yourself!

*Finally, give yourself a break. Give yourself that grace that we were talking about before. Allow yourself to NOT send out Christmas cards this year AND let yourself ok with that. If you still feel like you HAVE to do that, then instead of Christmas cards, intentionally choose to send out “Random day in January cards!” :)We need to help each other with this as well. Help someone else give themselves grace–it is sometimes so helpful when someone else lovingly points these things out to us…”Or you could NOT do ____, and it would still be ok…”

Such simple steps, such simple reminders, and YET, so powerful in relieving the pressure, allowing ourselves and each other room to breathe again.

“Yes, I HAVE felt that way, and NO, you are not alone!” I can’t resist adding and concluding with this reminder–These are not new words! This is not a new idea. GRACE is actually not just a 2020 word. We are about to celebrate the best reminder of this. GRACE is a person. GRACE is JESUS! GRACE was sent down to us in human flesh—HE has felt all of these human emotions, and yet without sin. He died on the cross to rescue you, and me, and to restore our relationship with God, so that we can truly know, “I am not alone.”

Isaiah 9:2-3, 6-7 “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone. You have multiplied the nation; you have increased its joy…For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore.”

Psalm 71:9, 14 “…forsake me not when my strength is spent…But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.”

Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.”

ONE DAY we will finally be able to look back on this MIRY BOG of 2020/COVID TIMES with a NEW SONG in our hearts, a SONG OF PRAISE to our GOD! Until then, give yourself GRACE, and remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I Choose Joy! People…not diagnoses

People…not diagnoses and labels.  Children, precious gifts…not diagnoses and labels.  Husbands, wives…not diagnoses and labels.

 

I am beginning a series that has been floating around in my head for the last several weeks.  So many of our family and friends are going through such heavy things right now, including my own.  This concept of fighting for joy, choosing joy, keeps coming up in conversations, and in my mind, over and over again.  What does choosing joy look like?

Today is Halloween.  It is not the biggest of holidays.  There are others–Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving–that are often filled with gatherings and traditions we look forward to and seem to plan for weeks or months ahead of time. If we have children or family members with special needs, or who may have a tendency to get overwhelmed easily, we try to prepare them for these events.  We tell them the stories and help them picture in their minds where we went the year before, who was there, the games we played, the decorations we brought out.  We try to keep our expectations realistic, and may even pre-plan exit strategies for when things just get to be too much.

But Halloween…somehow is another one of those things that just sneaks up on us!

I think the Lord gives families with special needs (I hate that phrase, by the way, but I have yet to come up with a better one…) a special kind of amnesia.  Maybe it is a bit like the amnesia moms have for how much pain and discomfort there was with pregnancy and delivery.  Somehow that tends to fade away and all of a sudden we decide we would love to have another baby!

Special needs families have the same sort of amnesia when we think about common events or dinners or outings or holidays that other people just take for granted.  We somehow forget that things may turn out disastrously, or that they actually did turn out disastrously the last time we tried to go out to dinner at a restaurant for a fun, spontaneous, celebratory meal, and as soon as we got there we remembered…that there were tons of distractions on the wall, some of them unique and fun, some of them too overwhelming or scary.  Then, when the delicious food arrived (that I didn’t have to make, plan, or prepare), and we were about to dig in and enjoy it, our precious littles took a few bites, and then the first one declared loudly that his bowels were speaking and he needed to go NOW!  Ok, Daddy will take you.  Phew, disaster averted.  Back to enjoying that food…until little #2 suddenly declared, “I think I’m going to barf!”  Ok, my turn–quickly off to the bathroom, grabbing little #1’s toy bucket just in case.   Phew…disaster averted again, only a potty call, not an illness.  Back to the table.  Maybe the food was at least still warm…until favorite song came on and little #1 could not resist standing up and moving his body around, dancing without fear or shame.   Thankfully others nearby were engrossed in their conversations and the music was loud enough they didn’t seem too bothered.  At least the boys hadn’t started hitting each other, or wrestling in the booth.  Oh wait, spoke too soon…time to go.

This is the amnesia I’m speaking of!  God’s gift to those of us with special families.  Somehow we forget enough about these events that we keep trying!  We keep hoping and attempting to have “normal” family moments, traditions, memories.

Halloween is full of that kind of amnesia.

It always seem exciting for the boys to pick out their costumes and try them on weeks in advance of the actual day.  Then there is always the parade in our home of costumes of Halloween’s past.  And you never know when a fully masked spiderman may show up randomly for breakfast one day!!

As soon as the calendar says October, we hunt for the black and orange box of decorations in the garage, and the boys eagerly open it and start pulling and tossing things out of it, “Remember this?”  “Remember this?”  Excited about their findings…and then in a flash, on to the next thing that captures their attention…and then sometime later, mommy will actually hang up the decorations.

We always look forward to going to the pumpkin patch…or more often than not, the grocery store parking lot “pumpkin patch”!  Even in the parking lot patch, we try to capture the moment, excitedly hunting around for those perfect pumpkins to carve…until the boys forget to be careful, and knock over a display, or crash the cart into an unsuspecting shopper, or it starts to rain and blow freezing rain and we are rushing to make our choices, pay, and get back into the warmth of the car…Hopefully we captured a moment on film of those rosy cheeks and mischievous smiles sweetly sitting on the harvest display backdrop the owners have prepared for taking family pictures.

And then comes the carving… We’ve chosen the night.  We’ve gathered our tools.  We’ve covered the table with newspaper and grabbed some buckets to catch the mess.  We eagerly help our littles choose the patterns or faces they would like for their pumpkins, and can’t wait to capture those smiles as they pull off those tops and reach into that funny, squishy goo.  Except we have amnesia.  We have forgotten that one of our littles doesn’t understand what this is all about.  There is too much sensory input for him to take in.  He doesn’t want to try to feel all of that, or join in on this “fun”.  This doesn’t look like fun, this looks crazy.  He would rather play by himself in his car world where he knows he is safe.  So, we step back.  We try to enjoy with our others who are doing what “everyone else” does this time of year.  And they get it…easily and effortlessly.  And we dig deep.  Is this a moment that we try to force a little bit past the comfort zone and “make him” try it, “make him” feel it just a little bit?  It’s so heart wrenching even in those little moments when your mind is swirling with grief over the realization that it will never be “easy”, that everything will probably have to be “taught” to him, even when others somehow just know how things are supposed to go.  Do you “force” him to do something you know is hard for him, or will be really uncomfortable for him?  Who knows what the right choice is?  Thankfully, in these moments, the same moments I think the Lord has given us amnesia for, He also gives us a still small voice, in which He leads us and says, “Yes”, “just for a few moments draw him in, bring him in with the family, have him try it, have him feel.  Give him an end point, allowing him to feel safe and sure, ‘just try two scoops with your hand, and then you can go play again.'”  And maybe you are able to capture a few moments.  Maybe there aren’t smiles yet, maybe there are even tears.  But maybe the next year, there is a half-smile.  And the year after that there is a full smile.  And the year after that, there may be full giggles!…as he remembers what this funny holiday tradition is all about.

During many of those years, there may be frustration, and arguing, and fears that sometimes overwhelm…which leads us to…

Trick or treating.  Amnesia.  What a fun event!  Dressing up in costumes, seeing the neighbors, getting free treasures and treats, and then bringing them all home to sort and count and enjoy!  Amnesia. What a confusing and overwhelming event!  One of our first years back in Minnesota, we brought our family out for this night of fun and excitement, trick or treating, in my parents’ neighborhood where I had grown up.  Our kids were ~7, 3 and two.  When we came back my parents asked me how it went.  Thankfully my family was not in the room, as I sadly replied, “We were trick or treating with Anxiety, ADHD, and Autism…”  My 7 year old (ADHD) kept wanting to run up ahead to the next house before we could get the littles back onto the road.  My 3 yr old (Autism), did not at all understand what in the world we were doing.  He loved getting candy after we went to the doors and said this funny thing, “Trick or treat!”, but then he immediately cried wanting to be able to go home to eat his candy.  What else would you do with it?  And why would you wait?  And why would we have to do this over and over again?  My husband (Anxiety–I share this with his permission), was scared to death of all of the unknowns–in this neighborhood he did not know, in the dark of the night, when his three precious gifts were scattering about, where other people and cars might possibly come into their way.  He was paralyzed by these fears as his own heart was breaking realizing our middle was struggling so much in this seemingly easy thing, and our oldest had no qualms about running ahead without us, without looking sometimes, seeming to not even have awareness of the rest of his family.

Amnesia…because we tried it again the next year…and the next year, and the year after that.  And each time it got better.  And each time they, and we, remembered more.  And each time there were longer moments of true smiles and true understanding and true joy!

Two nights ago when we carved our pumpkins, yes, there were still moments of frustration and arguing and battling wills.  But there were longer moments of true laughter and great memories and true joy!

And tonight we will go trick or treating, and our “big” will go off with his friends, safely, enjoying this tradition.  And our littles will be with us…and we will see how it goes!  But we will keep trying and keep gently pushing… Not to conform to traditional memories just because everyone else does, but to see how far their minds and their bodies can go as they explore this world through these feelings emotions and special lenses the Lord has given to them, and to us.

I choose JOY!

I choose the people, not the diagnoses.

I choose the faces and laughter, not the frustration or tears.

I choose the joy and the freedom, not the heaviness or despair.

I choose the happy moments (no matter how brief), not the endless hours and days.

This is a battle.  The Bible says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.  I (Jesus) came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)  The enemy wants to steal our joy.  He wants us to feel hopeless and full of despair, feeling like our days and years are endless.

But the Lord gives us this “amnesia.”  He gives us hope.  He gives us these brief moments of joy and laughter and smiles and warmth and peace and contentment within our days, we just have to look for them.  And believe me, I realize that some days we have to look hard!  And those moments are only 1 millisecond long before all chaos breaks loose again.  But they are there.  And if we aren’t able to capture them on film or in video, we need to literally pause and capture them in our minds.  And in those moments when we are struggling and have nothing left, or we are lying in bed at night wondering, “What just happened?” or “How am I going to do that again tomorrow?”, we need to string those millisecond frames together in our minds and make our own new movies that we can cling to, and be thankful for, to have hope, that in time those milliseconds may become full seconds, and then those full seconds may become full minutes of peace and laughter and joy, and then those full minutes may even become full hours of smiles and faces and joy!

We must have hope.  If we can’t find those moments on our own, we need to seek out others whom we feel safe enough with to allow into our messes to help us to see those moments of joy, those evidences of hope.  And we must also pray and ask the Lord to remind us of all He has done for us…pray to stop striving and holding on, and instead, allowing us to rest in Him, and all that He has done, feeling His arms wrapped around us…true JOY.

Today I heard two songs with these reminders…

Jeremy Camp’s, “He Knows”, describes one of the names of God, El Roi, which means, “He sees”.  Our Lord sees everything we are going through, even when it seems no one else sees or understands, He does and He knows.  The lyrics that caught me were these, “Every time you feel forsaken, Every time that you feel alone.  He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).  Every tear, He knows.  We may faint and we may sink…  But the dark begins to shrink when you find the One who knows.”

And Casting Crowns’, “Just Be Held”, had these lyrics, “So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away, you’re not alone.  Stop holding on and just be held.  Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place.  I’m on the throne (another description of one of God’s names, El Elyon–Sovereign, Most High, over all things). Stop holding on and just be held.  If your eyes are on the storm, you’ll wonder if I love you still.  But if your eyes are on the cross, you’ll know that I always have and always will.  And not a tear is wasted.  In time, you’ll understand.  I’m painting beauty with the ashes. (Isaiah 61:3) Your life is in My hands.”

Psalm 71:14, 19-23 “But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more…Your righteousness, O God, reaches the high heavens.  You who have done great things, O God, who is like you?  You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.  You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.  I will also praise you…for your faithfulness…I will sing praises to you…My lips will shout for joy, when I sing praises to you; my soul also, which you have redeemed.”

“My lips will shout for joy…”

I CHOOSE JOY!!  Faces and people and moments…not diagnoses and labels.