The LIGHT of Christmas

I know I haven’t posted for awhile. I spoke at our church’s women’s ministry Christmas party this week. Thought I would share here!

Merry Christmas! 🎄 🌟

Women of Waterbrooke, 12/14/23 Christmas Party Devotional: 

LIGHT

I have a super cute tiny Christmas tree right in front of where I sit in the mornings to have my “Jesus & coffee” time. It has these little miniature ornaments that each are a part of the nativity scene. It’s adorable.  I love it!  But there’s something about the slightly bigger tree just above it on my husband’s dresser that always catches my eye and attention.  That tree was just an afterthought that my oldest son put there after I had sort of given up on putting out any more Christmas decorations this year!  

I’ve been sick with some sort of death like pneumonia/asthma/sinus thing for the past couple of weeks! It has been both awful and kind of good. Awful in that for many days I have had zero energy to do anything except try to breathe without coughing from the bottom of my toes! And you know what happens when the mom of the house is taken down…especially at Christmas!?  Who’s going to do “all the things?” No offense to the dads.  I really do have an amazing husband who does A LOT to help around the house and for our kids (it’s kind of what you are signing up for when you marry a dr who works long hours!).  But even with awesome dads we all know it’s the moms & the women who know how to bring that Christmas magic to the season!

Well, I don’t know about you all, but I was TIRED even going into this Christmas, before I actually got sick.  It seems to be a thing this year—everyone is EXHAUSTED & overwhelmed all the time, never feeling like there is enough time to get everything done in general, let alone adding on the many, many “to do lists” that swim around in our brains at Christmas time! Does anyone else feel this or see this right now in your friends??  On Nov 16, (I went back and checked the date), I actually made up my own meme that seemed to strike a chord with at least my FB friends.  It said, “Welcome to the season of ‘all mom brains are overflowing’ until ~Jan 8!” (which is when at least my kids head back to school!)  ANYWAY, all that to say, “I’ve been even more exhausted than usual and tried to just do the bare minimum of taking out Christmas decorations.”

But I did also say there have been some super fun things about being sick. I’ve been able to see what happens when I literally CAN’T step in to help (or boss people around and tell them, “That’s not where that goes!”) We had a sweet, sweet time of decorating the tree the other night that I never would have imagined could have happened. Our 3^rd son, the most stubborn one, was super tired from the million birthday parties he’s been going to lately and refused to come down. Even when my oldest—a junior in high school—said, “C’mon! This is family time! I only have 2 more Christmases before I move out!?!” AHHHH! To be honest, I probably would have stomped upstairs and forced #3 to come down and we would have all been crabby and miserable arguing constantly while we decorated the tree! Fun, right? But I literally didn’t have the energy to get up. So, it was just my oldest and my middle—my sweet, easy one—even though he is on the autism spectrum. Those two had a GREAT time—mostly cracking jokes and taking jabs at each other while they went back and forth unwrapping and then hanging ornaments on the tree. I could just see my middle feeling “puffed up,” being able to be right in the center of the activity having fun for once, instead of always being overshadowed by the 2 strong redheads that surround him! Even now, a couple weeks later, the sweetness of that night is still in my mind and heart as the best moment so far this season.

Why in the world did I share that long windy intro?  Well back to the tree on top of my husband’s dresser—the one that was an afterthought.  It has literally nothing on it except white lights. And yet there is something about those lights, something about LIGHT in general that just screams Christmas time! 

I’ve been going through this new advent devotional this year (I think recommended by a Christian woman writer or podcaster that I follow), called “NEAR: He Came Here to Draw Us Near.”  It uses the gospel of Matthew, one chapter a day, to help lead up to Christmas time with a much fuller understanding of who Jesus is and why we celebrate His birth. 

The whole second week has been focused on this idea of LIGHT.  Jesus as LIGHT.  “He came to bring LIGHT” is the theme of the week.  LIGHT in the storms of life, guiding LIGHT, LIGHT over darkness, LIGHT that unburdens, LIGHT that reflects, LIGHT that reveals, & LIGHT in the dead of night or on our darkest day . We won’t go through all of them in detail—Michelle said I don’t get to have the whole two hours tonight! 😊 But I did want to highlight a few. 

The first one really struck me. “LIGHT in the Storms of Life.”  Being sick has not been the only struggle in our home these past few weeks.  The Lord has allowed some big storms for us to navigate through.  He is not letting us go through them alone, of course, but He has definitely had us on our knees begging for His calm, His peace, His wisdom, and His guidance through these storms.  Matthew 8:23-27 tells the story of the apostles in the boat in the storm with Jesus.  “And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him.  And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep.  And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.  And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?” 

Jesus’ question hit me as I read it this time.  “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Why AM I afraid? What is it about this storm that makes me doubt? 

The disciples in the boat knew his POWER.  They had literally JUST seen Him perform many miracles—healing & saving.  They knew this man, this POWER, was in the boat with them.  And yet, when the waves got big, the storms were rough & they were overwhelmed, they panicked.  They doubted.  When they did remember to ask Jesus for help, I can imagine they were even a little sassy/exacerbated as they yelled at him (they’re sinners like us, right?).  And I just imagine Jesus very quietly (holding back the big sigh that you & I would give to show our annoyance…since He never sinned!), standing up, rebuking the winds and the sea, and then just silently, wordlessly, crawling back into his corner to sleep! We aren’t told exactly what happens next, so I could be right!? 

What I love about this devotional book is that the author pulls out an old testament verse that correlates with the Matthew story for each day.  When you read Matthew, you know he is very precise in his detailing.  He mostly quotes word for word what Jesus says, and you read many times, “and this was to fulfill the Old Testament prophesy…” For this story, she pulls Psalm 89:3-4 “Who is like you, LORD GOD ALMIGHTY? You, LORD, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you.  You rule over the surging sea; when the waves mount up, you still them.” 

Jesus has authority over the seas.  He created them, He parted them (the Red Sea in Exodus), and He stills them.  In the same way, He can still our souls as we go through the storms of life. But the theme was supposed to be LIGHT, right? Hold on, we’re getting there. Think about how beautiful and bright and clear it often is after a big storm.  The author says this, “There’s something about the light that appears after the darkness of a storm.  As my teen boys would say, ‘It hits different.’” (My youngest says that all the time! “I’m just built different, Mom!” 😊HA!) She goes on to say, “There’s a calmness and peace and stillness that radiates with that light…”  For anyone who wears glasses or contacts, it reminds me of that too—either putting in a fresh pair of contacts or getting a new rx for your glasses.  You’ve been living with the dull, even sometimes blurry fog of your old rx—functioning, but not well. And then you put on the new ones and suddenly everything is sharp and so clear.  It’s literally exciting! (Or maybe that’s just me…) 

Back to the devo again, that sharp clear, bright after the storm, “I’s a reminder that Jesus, the Son of God, shines as bright as the sun when the storms cease, the dark clouds lift, and the winds of the storms shift to bring about a stillness that wasn’t present moments earlier as the storm was raging.” 

SUCH a BEAUTIFUL TRUTH!  That stark contrast—The LIGHT of God’s wisdom and peace truly breaks forth and overcomes the darkness.  And yet, we don’t see the beauty or the clarity of that sweet pure light unless we have made it through the darkness of the storm, or the illness, or the depression, or the family conflicts/hard feelings/old patterns that often come up as we prepare to gather together at Christmas time…

But He is there.  He is with us.  He is in the boat.  We just need to call on Him…more about that in a minute…

There is one more of these light themes that I wanted to talk about more in detail. 

But first, a 10,000 foot view of the other days/themes in this “LIGHT week.” 

There is also “Guiding LIGHT,” which describes a story in Matthew 9:36 when it says, “When He {Jesus} saw the crowds, He had compassion for them…” they were “like sheep without a shepherd.  He leads us.  His LIGHT shepherds us, guides us…

Then Matthew 10, “LIGHT over Darkness,” which describes Matthew 10:27-28, and Isaiah 42:16 which is a verse I LOVE, “And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.  These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.” Isn’t that awesome? He truly goes before us, makes a way, and battles with us over “this present darkness,” the spiritual battles in our everyday lives. 

Then Matthew 11, “LIGHT that Unburdens.“ This one, I will admit, she really plays on the words to make this fit.  Matthew 11:28-29 is the “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” verse.  He not only lights the way by the brightness of His presence, but He lightens our burdens by the mightiness of His strength and power. 

Matthew 12, “LIGHT that Reflects.”  We are image bearers.  Matthew 12:33-37 “…for the tree is known by its fruit…” and Genesis 1:27“in the image of God He created him; male and female he created them.” We are made in His image.  I do like this quote/truth the author shares in this section.  “What is manmade or manufactured will malfunction.  Artificial light will always dim and eventually burn out.  You can change bulbs or batteries in an effort to keep things bright, but eventually anything in and of this world will lose its light, cease to shine, and grow dark.”   BUT GOD, right?? The Son of God “is our source of light and life.  He defeated spiritual darkness by defeating death, and He was and is and forever will be the Light of the World.” We as image bearers get to reflect this light.  “When we are fully following Christ, empty of ourselves and full of Him, we can light up the darkest places simply by reflecting His light.” (2 Corinthians 3:18 “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.)

Finally, my favorite part this season, “LIGHT that Reveals.” This is based on Matthew, chapter 13, which is FULL of parables—the parable of the sower and the various places where the seeds land—on the path, on the rocks, in the thorns, and in the good soil; there is the parable of the weeds—the sower plants good seeds in his fields, and while he is sleeping, the evil one plants weeds amidst the wheat; the parable of the mustard seed and the leaven; and the parable of the hidden treasure in the field—the pearl of great value. It is also in this chapter when the disciples have the guts to ask Jesus, what in the world is up with all these parables? Why do you talk like this?? Matthew 13:13-15 Jesus says, “This is why I speak to them in parables, because seeing they do not see, and hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand.  Indeed, in their case the prophecy of Isaiah is fulfilled that says, ‘You will indeed hear but never understand, and you will indeed see but never perceive.’  For this people’s heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.”  And then MY favorite part, vs 16-17, “But BLESSED are your eyes, for they see, and your ears, for they hear.  For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.” It is SUCH a GIFT to be able to see.  To have His LIGHT REVEAL to us His Word, Himself.  As He, Jesus, reveals Himself to us, He is revealing who God is.  Immanuel, God with us.  Jesus came down, in the flesh.  God knew we would never understand without us being able to see Him as we are.  He came down fully human like us—to show us who God is.  To LIVE with us, PERFECTLY without sin, as we couldn’t do.  To die for us, because we could never be good enough, and then to be raised again, now seated at the right hand of God, praying for us.  But even more, after He left, He gave us the gift of His Spirit.  Through His Spirit, the LIGHT of revelation/illumination, our eyes get to be open to all that He says to us in His Word—way back when, when the Bible was written, but also every day NOW, every time we open His living, breathing Word.  His LIGHT reveals to our hearts what He wants us to see; how He wants to guide us; to fight for us over the darkness; to carry us with His power through the storms of our lives, SO THAT we are able to see the many, many miracles and works He does in our lives.  And through us, as image bears, as we share what He has done in our lives, as we take the time to pause and remember, choosing what we will focus our eyes on during this busy Christmas season…As we celebrate what is truly important, as we see all the lights this season and remember all the ways He is the Light of the World, WE are reflecting HIS glory.  And hopefully many will see and hear and put their trust in Jesus! 

I will close with one of the author’s prayers from the NEAR devotional, and then we will talk about what we’ll be doing next!

“Father, thank you for your gift of Light through your Son, Jesus Christ.  He truly pierces the darkness and lights the way on my darkest day, and in my darkest night.  I pray you’d continue to calm my heart and quiet my spirit as you remind me not to fear.  You have given me victory over sin and death.  I long to know you more every day and grow brighter for you in this dark world.  Thank you for drawing near to me, so that I can draw near to you every day through the time I spend in your Word and in prayer, seeking your face, longing to better understand your ways so I can better live out your will. Help me understand your Word on a deeper level.  Use me as a beacon of hope in the dead of night for those who are lost and alone and in need of a Savior.  Lead them to the Father of Light, who gave us the Light of the World.  In Jesus’ precious name, Amen.”

I do have a challenge for you…

CHALLENGE: In these next 10-11 days before Christmas, take some moments to just BE STILL, to pause, to breathe, to stare at the LIGHTS of CHRISTMAS, to remember & be thankful for all that they mean.  As you pause and sit, ask Him—LORD, show me what you want me to see? Show me where I need to believe more and fear less (the Q Jesus asks in the boat, “O, you of little faith? Why do you doubt?”).  And then don’t forget to LISTEN.  He will show you.  He is the Light of the World!

QUESTIONS for GROUPS: 

1)     FAVORITE DECORATION? If you only had time or energy to put out ONE thing, what would it be and why? 

2)     FAVORITE TRADITION? With your family growing up, or your family now? Or a tradition you have done together with friends? 

3)     QUIET TIME—Do you have a “Jesus & coffee time?” If so, what does that look like? Is it the same or different during the Christmas season? 

4)     Optional for discussion, but “mandatory to do!” (Maybe on your drive home tonight.) 😊

Set ONE specific GOAL for yourself in this quiet time area for some time in the next 10 days. And we’ve all heard how the more specific you make it the more likely you are to follow through… ie. On Tuesday morning this week, I am going to wake up while it is still dark and sit downstairs by my Christmas tree or my nativity scene.  I’m going to drink mint tea and sit in the comfy chair with the red blanket, and I’m going to read day 19 of my “NEAR” Christmas devotional.  Before I start reading, I am going to ask Him to show me one truth He wants me to see.  And then before I get up from my time, I am going to ask God who He wants me to connect with that day and how—phone call, text, email, etc. And then I am also going to thank Him for my sweet time with Him.

Ok, maybe it doesn’t have to be that detailed, but you get the idea! 

Merry Christmas! 

Isaiah 9:2, 6-7 “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone… For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

Depression confession…

My “depression confession”…

I have been waiting to figure out how and when I would share this story, my story.  It seems this Easter weekend, on the Saturday between “Good” Friday– remembering the darkness of that day, and yet knowing the end of the story and the Hope that is to come tomorrow, Easter–Resurrection Sunday…this seems like a good time! 

You mostly know me as the encourager, the cheerleader, the “I’ve got some great wisdom for you” doctor, friend, sister, daughter, mom, wife.  But in the past several months now, that person has been harder and harder to find. Several weeks ago, I listened to a CME (continuing medical education) talk called “Who Heals the Healer?” Part of the presentation included slides with “health care worker” in the middle and all of the various “traumas” surrounding us from the past two years that have pounded and pressed and compounded, essentially reminding us we are VERY human and there are limits to what we can handle.  That was the first step in me taking a moment to REALLY realize–admit?–how I was doing…

Over the next few days, I started putting out “feelers” to friends & co-workers I knew who had been down the depression/anxiety path before…still trying to figure out was this really happening to me? 

Eventually this led to me “raising the white flag” and sending this message to my own dr (also a colleague and friend)…

“Hi Anne. Well, you’ve always said, let me know if you need help with all of the stresses of life!  I think it’s time… Short summary is, I just feel like I don’t have any reserves left and can’t shake the darkness. Longer story, I’m usually the cheerleader everywhere in my life–home, work, family, friends, and now I am barely keeping on top of the bare minimum of life and everything else irritates me more than it should.  I can’t handle taking on anyone else’s emotions, which is not a good place to be considering my high needs kids and practice, actually!  I keep trying all the things I know–walking, eating well, reading, resting, meeting with friends, my spiritual life–they will work for a few days and then I sink back down to an overeating, wanting to sleep all day, mess! 😦 

So, I have my well check next week with you. Not sure if you would want to start something before that (oh, and also I am headed on a big supposed to be fun, but undoubtedly will be stressful, spring break trip on 3/27–California–Disneyland, Legoland, and beach!?), or if you want to wait until I come in?

In case you are not in today–nursing–it is ok to wait until she comes back. I am also a physician.  I am not suicidal and not thinking of hurting myself and know my resources! 

Thank you all! 

Humbly, 

melissa”

(I included the whole message, word for word, as several people have since commented to me, “You are STILL taking care of others even as you send your cry for help–not wanting the nursing team to have to do extra work to make sure you are ok!?”)

It was amazing the sense of calm relief that came over me even as I pushed “send”. Just taking that tiny/HUGE step of admitting and then asking for help, lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders and cleared a big chunk of space in my mind that had been ruminating and wondering for likely much longer than I should have been.  And then, I copied and pasted the message to share with my circle–my inner circle of my besties, my family, and those who had been supporting me through these past heavy, dark years of COVID.  Again, more and more weight lifted as the responses of love and support came pouring in.  Lots of tears as I heard and read their words, but a new sense of hope and even a hint of joy started to break through. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks.  Thankfully my amazing dr DID send a prescription for me right then*, and I likely experienced the “honeymoon phase” of the medication working really well right at the beginning, blessedly right during our California trip, which as many of you saw, was an awesome time with our family and some of our lifelong friends, making many sweet memories! (*I am not saying that everyone in this situation needs medicine.  Sometimes therapy/counseling, other supports are enough…more on this in future posts!) 

And then, back to real life… 

The past few weeks since we’ve been home have been rough again, I will admit.  Of course, there is always the post-vacay blues and jet lag…and then our boys were sick off & on for the next several days with all of the illnesses that have come flooding back as we begin to remove our COVID masks!  And the heaviness of my job, still with the unknown horizon of what COVID may bring next, and even harder, the path of mental health destruction and devastation for kids and families that it has caused along the way, still bombard me every day.

And yet, God…

“But God…”

In His loving faithfulness, it is Easter season…Holy Week!  And while I have felt so much silly guilt that I have not had the energy or the desire to do all the things we usually do–get out our bright Easter decorations, go through our tradition of creating and acting out the Easter story with the playdoh tomb, reading through the verses as a family using our Resurrection eggs that re-tell the Easter story…Even without these traditions…He has still been faithful to me–helping me to still long for my morning time with Him, in His word, reading my own Lent devotional, re-telling the stories of Jesus’ life leading up to this Holy Week and His amazing sacrifice for each one of us, for ME!  

The light in this darkness has been His preparation in me.  And in this gloomy COLD, DARK, NEVERENDING WINTER/”SPRING”, especially in MN, HIS intense light and faithfulness and HOPE has been brought to life so much more clearly during this Easter season for me (and I pray for you!). 

In His faithfulness, we were able to make it to our church’s beautiful and powerful Good Friday service last night, with powerful theatrical, yet word-for-word scripture readings with background sound effects helping us truly feel we were sitting inside the story.  Even our usually squirrely boys were silent, captivated by the power of the story and the truth it held, especially as our pastor included a refrain to help us hear it and say it and internalize it for ourselves…After reading some of the details of the story and all of the previously prophesied events that came true, he would say, “What do you think about that?” And we were to answer, “UNBELIEVABLE!” To which he said, “He did this for us.”  And we got to say these powerfully intimate words, “He did this for me!”

Then, as I woke up this morning again to another initially cloudy, cold day, my scripture readings came alive even more–on this Easter Saturday, the day of waiting, the day between the darkness of Good Friday–when God poured out His wrath for OUR sins onto His Son, Jesus, our sinless Saviour, who willingly died in our place on the cross–and the HOPE of Easter Sunday, when the empty tomb was revealed because Jesus had been resurrected!…

John 14:1 {Jesus speaking in the days before his death}…”LET NOT YOUR HEARTS BE TROUBLED. Believe in God; believe also in me…

…If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also…

John 14:6 “I am the Way, and the Truth and the Life.  No one comes to the Father except through me…”

…Whoever has seen me has seen the Father.”

…Because I live, you also will live.  In that day, you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you…”

…And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him…

John 14:26 “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.

LET NOT YOUR HEARTS BE TROUBLED, neither let them be afraid…

…And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe.” 

He is so faithful!!  We are so loved! He sees us, He knows us–each one of us intimately.  The Bible says He knows every thought before it even comes to mind.  He knows every hair on our head.  He sees, He loves, He cares.  

I was blessed to have so much love and support when I stepped out of my inward thoughts and truly shared what was going on.  But even if you feel like there is no one in your life who will understand, or maybe worse, you feel you will receive condemnation if you speak out about how you are feeling, know that there is One who will never leave you nor forsake you.  He loves you, He died for you.  He will make you new…ALIVE IN HIM! 

Easter is coming!  Spoiler alert–the tomb is empty!  Jesus is ALIVE.  And He is walking with us, with you, with me, every step of the way. 

Be brave.  Cry out to Him. Ask Him who in your life may be a safe person to share your story with.  Courageously take that next step. And know that even if you feel all alone in this world, you are not.  He will turn your darkness into light.  He will make your paths straight.

And from me, Melissa, Dr. Melissa, friend Melissa, daughter, sister, neighbor, wife, mom, colleague Melissa…I see you.  I love you.  I am for you.  I am in your corner.  But I am only human.  I will surely fail you in my own weaknesses from time to time.  

But God…!  He is unchanging, and He will NEVER fail you.  His promises never fail. 

Psalm 18:28 “For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.”

Isaiah 42:16 “And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.  These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.”

“BUT GOD…!”  HE is FAITHFUL!  

Much love to you from the bottom of my heart!  And Happy Easter! 

Humbly,

Melissa

3 Squirrelly Boys… Front Row at Church, Baby!?!

If any of you suddenly just felt terrified for me as you read that title, you are my people, and I am yours! 

But it WASN’T terrifying this time, and that’s what I’ve been thinking about for the past couple of days…

(Spoiler alert–it’s not because the boys were perfectly behaved either!)

I’m not sure why it is in so many things, and especially in parenting, that we think we have to know how to get it right perfectly right from the get-go? Why do we put that pressure on ourselves? I remember those days vividly when our oldest was little. I mean, I’m a pediatrician, right? I know it all! This is going to be a breeze! HA! And then the color of his hair grew in… fiery red!? (For all of you redheads out there, please know we LOVE you! AND, I’ve never yet met a redhead who didn’t have a bit of spunk or fire in them!) Right from the start we knew he was a leader. Have you ever heard those words spoken about your child? All the euphemisms–“spirited”, “full of energy,” “so creative,” “always thinking of something new”? They are all true words and descriptions, but sometimes you can just tell the speaker is really trying to communicate something else!

Anyway, we knew right away, even with all the head knowledge I had, this one was going to keep us on our knees, constantly seeking wisdom.  Fast forward 4 years, and here came another unique boy with his own challenges–and more feelings of “I don’t know how to do this.”  Then 20mos later, boy #3–who unlike our other two, was born with hair right away…and guess what color?!  Yep, redhead #2–perhaps even feistier than #1!   

Those are fun ways to describe our unique three boys, and yet, along the way, it didn’t always feel that fun.  I remember so many times early on, just feeling EXHAUSTED, and overwhelmed with trying to “make them” behave or do the right thing, or fit into the mold we were trying to live in.  I remember seeing other families with kids who sat so still and quiet, listening intently in church, or came right away when their parents called them and told them it was time to leave the park.  I remember realizing there were families who could get to places on time…or even EARLY!?! How was that even possible?? And I remember feeling so much pressure… (which as I look back with my now 50 year old eyes, I realize was likely mostly self-inflicted!)

I’m going to fast forward to this past Sunday, and then I’ll go back to unpack how we were so blessed to get to this place.  Last Sunday was the first weekend back home after several weekends in a row ending our glorious summer at our cabin, which meant we had not physically been to church in maybe a month–only instead listening to church on the way home from the cabin (one wonderful benefit that has come from all these COVID related changes–church being recorded and viewable later!)  I’ll back up and say, I do think our boys love the Lord on some level—different for each one of them.  They know He is real.  They have grown up with us going to church every week, talking about Him, reading about Him in His Word, and doing life with friends who love the Lord too (more on that later).  But that does not mean they jump out of bed, excited to get dressed in their best clothes and are in the car waiting for us 20 minutes before it’s time to go on Sunday mornings! And this morning was no different.  We were out of practice going to church.  And all Christians know that Sundays are PRIME times for crazy arguments and raised voices trying to get a bunch of sinners in need of grace out the door, into the car, and headed to church on time! It may be ugly along the way, but we are going to get there! 

To make it even harder, there was the threat of rain.  Our church, thankfully during COVID, has had the second service outside whenever the weather is nice.  It is a beautiful setting, right on a lake, so peaceful and fun, with lots of room to spread out on the lawn–perfect for our 3 squirrelly boys! But because of the possibility of rain in the forecast, the service had to be pushed inside.  And because mom is a pediatrician, and because our two youngest boys are not yet eligible for the vaccine, I made them wear masks–which they understood and wore willingly, but because our church is beautifully growing and bursting at the seams in our quickly-becoming-tiny sanctuary, it was hot!  One more reason for them to be uncomfortable and mad at mom and dad. Oh, and by the way, there is a lunch after service that we are staying for… “MOM!?!”  So…it was in that setting that we walked inside the doors of our beloved church…late, of course…and guess which seats were open??  

FRONT ROW, baby!! So, we filed in… during the middle of announcements…and we even realized that there weren’t enough seats when we got up there, so they would have to share… 

But we are blessed.  And we are loved.  We have spent years building communion and beautiful friendships with other believers who want nothing more than to love and worship Christ, and to love and build up each other!  So many of these friends go to our same church with us now.  Some of our church friends and our pastor here are new in our lives.  But we have quickly gotten to know him too.  And he loves us, and he loves our boys…JUST AS CHRIST loves us–in all of our imperfections!  So, when our worship leader’s wife–also our friend–saw there weren’t enough seats, she whispered, “move our things, you can sit in our seats,” we felt loved and accepted.  And when our middle son, who is on the autism spectrum, and can’t always stay in one place for a long time, and sometimes just needs to sit on the floor to work on his 500 count Dot to Dot book while he listens, did just that, we let him.  And when our two reds, who both also have ADHD, sat in their seats and pulled out whatever they had brought in their bags to keep their hands busy so their brains could listen quietly, we let them.  And when our youngest just couldn’t stay in his seat, but instead had to lay down on the floor to read his book, we let him…ALL IN THE FRONT ROW!  EXPOSED!

And it wasn’t terrifying…or horrifying…it was glorious!  You know why?  Because Mommy & Daddy got to worship our hearts out!  Because Mommy & Daddy NEEDED to worship our hearts out–to sing at the top of our lungs, to raise up our arms and to feel God’s presence in the midst of His family and to know we are loved and KNOWN by Him and by our church family.  We NEEDED to be present to hear about and share in the things–good and terrible and hard–that are going on with our church family.  We NEEDED to gather and be built up in order to be sent out again for the week–whether that is across the sea to another country or back into our office spaces or our clinics or our schools!  It’s what our family does.  It’s what our family needs.  We are thankful that although our boys may kick and scream–either literally or figuratively–every week, deep down they know, and they are also comforted in knowing that the Weis family is loved.  This is what we do on Sundays and through the week.  We live in communion with our friends and family, building each other up and encouraging each other along the way. 

So, this is my prayer and my invitation to you.  If the idea of the front row at church–all exposed with less than perfect children in tow is terrifying to you, I am your people!  And I pray that you can find other people locally in your life to also be your people. 

That’s what we did along the way.  We found people we could be imperfect with… together.  When the boys were little, I wrangled them into the car–no matter how ugly the process was, or how late we were when we finally got to the Tuesday morning playdate at the park.  And when they went off to play, I cried with the women who had already been through that stage.  I sought their wisdom and their “tricks”, which weren’t really tricks–just lots of trial and error and prayer and vulnerability–willingness to open ourselves up to each other, admitting imperfection and striving to learn more together.  Instead of getting together with other families for dinner–the hardest part of the day with squirrelly boys and exhausted parents, we realized breakfast/brunch was an easier time to be together–and we wore our pajamas to each other’s houses and we laughed hysterically when the “fancy” egg bake and monkey bread I was trying to “impress them with” caused the smoke alarm to go off and wasn’t really done all the way through by the time we had to eat!?  But we stayed and we weren’t satisfied with small talk.  We asked hard questions and we listened intently, and we texted and prayed throughout the week to let each other know we remembered.  When hard or life changing things happened like surgeries or new babies, or new diagnoses, we brought food, and we did awkward things for each other when we were otherwise helpless in doing them for ourselves (think emptying “pee jars” after surgery!) We didn’t shy away, we moved in closer.  And when the kids got older, we got babysitters and had date nights together, or the moms went on long walks together or the men met for long lunches together or did manly things together (you know, like paintball, or bonfires or cooking bacon together at retreats–so much bacon!?!) 

Little by little, vulnerable moment by vulnerable imperfect moment, we knit our lives and our hearts together, so that one Sunday morning, we could walk into church late, and not just feel ok about sitting in the front row, exposed, but truly feel loved and blessed as we sat there!  Don’t get me wrong, we WILL keep leading and training and shepherding and praying for our boys–with the help of our friends, and our pastors, and our church family as we continue to do life together.  And I KNOW, that when that day comes, when our boys are sitting up straight, belting out the worship songs, or even getting up to be a reader, or to play in the band, or to shout out an announcement about a future youth event, ALL of those friends and pastors, and church family members will rejoice with us, as they see and wonder at what Christ is doing in our boys’ lives & hearts!!  

So, I beg you, friend…take a scary step today.  Invite someone into your messy, imperfect house to play together.  You won’t regret it, I promise. 

Hebrews 10:24-25 “And let us consider how to stir one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

Romans 5:8 “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

John 13:34-35 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

*pic obviously from one of the beautiful outdoor services…even I wasn’t brave enough to take a pic of the front row inside scene! 😉

Never a perfect picture!

Most of you know…I take A LOT of pictures! And I post a lot of pictures. Just recently one of my best friends in San Diego posted on her own FB/Instagram pages a mini blog that completely resonated with me. It is exactly why I take so many pics too. (With her permission, I share her words below.)

Some of my pics are purely just to record fun moments. But some are so much deeper for me, for our family… I have an album in my picture files on my phone. I call it “All the feels.” It is full of those pics that are captured “just after the storms.” I’ll let you read my friend Tasha’s words, and then I will explain more…

“Pictures capture a single moment that is sometimes just perfect. I love taking pictures because I love the hunt. It’s like a treasure to be found. To me, photography is that way, a treasure. It’s crazy how that perfect picture can sometimes magically encapsulate the essence of someone, like you are truly seeing the soul of that person. Or you can say that same thing about a picture of an event or even a photograph of landscape or a single thing in nature. A snapshot can be so beautiful and tell so much. Hence, the saying, ‘a picture is worth a thousand words.’ On the other hand, sometimes you just get lucky with a snapshot of one second in time that actually contradicts what is really happening. It can be so deceiving. You don’t see the hurt, or the bitterness, or the sorrow, or the depression, the frustration or anger, or even the loneliness that is really going on in someone’s heart. The definition of a snapshot is literally ‘a photograph taken quickly.’ It is one single moment within a series of moments, of moments within a series of a day, of a day within a series of days (plural) strung together…and so on and so on…and sometimes that perfect moment captured does not portray what is really going on in a person’s life.
I took a bunch of pictures (as I always do) Christmas day and Christmas “weekend” and some of them, you’ll see here, just capture the right look, at the right time, in the right lighting, and it is just “perfect”. But our family is FAARRR from perfect. My marriage is far from perfect. My friendships are far from perfect. My kids and my relationship with my kids is far from perfect. And I am far from perfect.I think these are great pictures, but keep in mind, it doesn’t reflect a perfect person with a perfect life. Rather, a perfect God who made nature perfect and who made each human being, unique…It reflects the God who made his creation (people and nature) beautiful just the way you will see it here. They are portraits that tell the story of His redeeming love.❤️“

(Before I continue, know that the stories I will share, I share with permission from my family, my friend, and our pastor.)

I resonate with all of Tasha’s words. I love how she describes it as a hunt. I also feel like I am trying to tell a story through my pics. It is our story. Sometimes it comes across on the surface as “picture perfect.” And yet, we are not.

Especially during this time–over the holidays, in the darkest winter months–it is so easy to fall into bouts of dark thinking. We feel like we don’t measure up. As we reflect on the year, we realize our failures more easily than we see the good that has come over the year. Feelings of loneliness are exaggerated, especially as we scroll through social media seeing all of the “perfect” family gatherings that may not look like our own.

But there are stories and imperfections and real life moments behind all of these pics! There is fighting and frustration and grief and regret. My friend admitted that she and her husband almost always get in a big fight right around Christmas time. Are they the only ones? Of course not. Her admission prompted me to share in a reply on her post that guess what? The Weis family actually got into a giant fight WHILE we were holding our candles and singing “Silent Night” as we tried to watch our church’s Christmas Eve service virtually online!? Yep! True story–we were actually yelling and screaming at each other. Pent up frustration from the day, from these crazy times. I don’t actually remember the trigger now, but I know there was unspoken grief and sadness in not being able to be together with our family the way we typically would. And I know that even though our boys wouldn’t voice it outloud, they do also love the tradition that is part of most churches across the world, of ending the Christmas Eve service being allowed the privilege and trust of holding a real live lit candle and singing sweetly in the dark at the end of the service, “Silent Night, Holy Night, All is Calm, All is bright. Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child. Holy infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace…Radiant beams from thy holy face. With the dawn of Redeeming Grace. Jesus, Lord at the birth…Shepherds quake at the sight. Glorious stream from heavens above. Heavenly hosts sing Hallelujah. Christ the Savior is Born!” I also know it is not “normal” to watch the Christmas Eve service online. It was hard to be quiet, especially when they were just being excited kids, who still couldn’t wait for the morning when they would be able to open presents no matter the new and unusual logistics of the 2020 year. And I also know we were overtired parents, feeling our own grief over the strangeness of the year, and the isolation, who desperately wanted to quietly soak in the news of Hope, of our Savior being born, of the comfort of the scriptures. The clashing of these two ideals met in frustrated yelling and pleading, which just “pushed buttons” further, and created louder and louder chaos in a moment that “should have been” full of peace.

And I took pictures… I knew that somehow we would want to remember this night, this time…

And I knew we would want to remember the truth that our pastor had actually preached that night. The theme of his Christmas Eve message just a few minutes before had literally been, “I want you to ask yourselves this question, ‘What was your WORST moment in 2020? Your worst moment as a dad, or a mom, or a wife or a husband…your worst failure, etc.?” Before the yelling and screaming during Silent Night happened, I was instantly thinking about the huge fight that my husband and I had had a few days prior. We had literally sunk to a new depth of low, just DAYS after we had shared (& posted pictures of!) our mountain top 15 year anniversary day date! Real life moments…behind “perfect” pics…

And yet, THIS was the message of Christmas! The message our beloved pastor was sharing on Christmas Eve. We often think, and Christmas carols often sing, “What kind of gifts shall we bring to a king?” We try to polish everything up. We work to try to bring our best. But that is NOT the gospel message. The Christmas message, the gospel message, is that we are able to bring our WORST, and we are able to receive God’s BEST through His gift of Jesus Christ our Savior. He lived the perfect life for us, so that we could RECEIVE HIS BEST! That is the way we honor Him. We don’t have to pretend we have it all together. We honor Him by bringing our real life messy moments and acknowledging that He is enough. His grace is SUFFICIENT. He has done the work, has paid for our sins, so that we can be righteous in God’s sight and be reconciled with Him forever. The messy moments are real. I truly believe, had our computer screen been a two way live connection, that our pastor would have said to us, “Weis family, I see you. I see you in this difficult moment of yelling & screaming at each other even during this singing of Silent Night!? Bring THIS MOMENT to Jesus. Bring your worst, and receive HIS BEST!”

This is why I take so many pics. This is why we share so openly our lives. Some, we know, feel like we share too much. But this is our story! This is our ministry! We want to share the real, the ugly, the messy, so that others may know, it is ok to struggle. It is ok to talk about these things. We are never alone. Our family has felt that isolation in our struggles before. We know the comfort of knowing that HE KNOWS, HE SEES, and HE LOVES us in spite of our imperfections and our struggles. We are blessed to have friends we can call on, or text,or email, in the heat of the moment, to beg for prayer when we are struggling. (We just had to do that yesterday!) The only way we have developed these friendships has been by being real, by sharing openly, and by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. We have been so blessed by these relationships, by “our people” who know us and love us and encourage us just as we are. And it is our family’s greatest desire that we would either be “your people,” or we would encourage you to be brave and take that step of sharing your real story–your real fears, your real failures, your “worst!” with trusted people in your own lives, so that you can find “your people.” Bring your worst to Jesus, so you can receive His best!

I know I will keep taking pics–I will pursue the moments, the hunt! I will keep sharing pics. When life is hard, I need these pics to remind me of the beautiful and peaceful moments that are there to be found. Please know that yes, some of them truly will be bright beautiful fun moments! But some of them may be the calm before the storm, and some of them will be the beautiful faces of redemption–of the peace and the joy that comes from staying in the fight, of bringing all of our cares and frustrations and anger and shame and disappointments to God, and allowing Him to work in our hearts and our souls to restore our connections, both with Him and with each other. THOSE will be the pics that go into my treasured album, “All the Feels.”

I/we–my family, along with our pastor, and with my friend, Tasha, we pray for you this Christmas, this end of 2020…bring God your worst, so you may receive HIS BEST!

2 Corinthians 8:9 “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich.”2 Corinthians 5:21 (A verse my sweet husband has taught our boys to say with us before bed.) “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

(Not pictured: the giant fight AFTER our anniversary, the yelling and screaming DURING silent night…Pictures DO include: our mountain top 15yr anniversary day date; beautiful silent night candle lighting; the “forced family fun” selfie after the silent night escapade that really did bring about belly laughs so we were able to sleep more peacefully; “new mercies every morning” Christmas Day sunrise; and just last night sweet sweet laughter from our youngest redhead after a not so sweet battle that required text “in the moment prayers” from “our people” earlier that day.)

“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;” Lamentations 3:22

“When my strength is spent…”

Amidst the nice, good memories/moments I’ve posted on social media over the past few weeks, we have also had some intensely explosive meltdowns in our home this season that have literally left us reeling. Triggers? Who knows—likely a combo of changing meds (again…), new and changing schedules/routines, the weather, flared asthma/allergies, mixed up sleep or eating, or just plain sin… Whatever has triggered them, we have at times literally been crying out loud, “I don’t know what to do anymore!!” All of the books we’ve read, the therapists we’ve visited, my professional training, the seminars we’ve gone to, the skills we’ve tried to use, sometimes still leave us feeling hopeless and helpless…and all alone.

In these moments, admittedly sometimes out of desperation (instead of doing this first!?), we have cried out to the Lord, begging for His presence and His wisdom…

And in His mercy, He has met us…

These verses (in the picture, and at the end of this post) were opening verses that “just happened to” be the openings of my readings the mornings after some of these meltdowns…

…comforting balm to my hurting heart.

We have received “out of the blue” texts and emails from friends who know us, love us and pray for us.

We have had times of unexpected quiet and peace in our days to refresh mentally and physically.

We have had “unexpected” financial benefits lift us up when we were wondering how will we…

And probably best of all, we have had moments of completely humbling ourselves, as we’ve cried together, having nothing left, but uniting our hearts as a team again, as we called out to the Lord…

God is good. All the time.

Humbly seeking His wisdom—this is where He wants us to be, in each of our unique situations.

To all of my fellow “SuperMoms” (a.k.a. “Special moms” and dads!)…

Know that I see you!!

We understand.

You are loved.

You are delighted in…by us,

but most of all, by Him!

“…Forsake me not when my strength is spent.” – Psalm 71:9

“…He rescued me, because He delighted in me.”

– Psalm 18:19

“You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.

You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.”

– Psalm 71:20-21

Summer “vacation”: A look back…and a look forward?

Summer.  Vacation.

Those are two very loaded words, aren’t they?  So much expectation!  For many, (maybe most?) they are full of excited anticipation.  Visions of sunshine and playtime and beaches and swimming and laughing and freedom and NO SCHOOL!   But for parents, especially parents of kids with special needs, those words may bring feelings of angst or overwhelm or maybe even dread…

I am thankful I am writing this near the end of summer.  I have survived June and July and already half of August!!  And I might even dare to say now, I have ENJOYED much of this summer!  Who knew?

Had I written during the first few weeks or month, this post may have had a less hopeful flavor.  In fact, here is a direct quote from an email I sent to a friend during that time, “I feel a giant blog post coming on about summer ‘vacation’ with 3 strong-willed boys and 2 firstborn parents!?!” (punctuated with a bunch of exasperated emojis!).

What makes summer so hard for some of us?  Well, first off, there is the complete loss of routine and the comfort that comes from knowing exactly what to expect and what will be happening next.  Instead, especially at the beginning of the summer, we have wide open space, and SO. MUCH. TIME.  Combine that with what I wrote to my friend–3 strong-willed kids and 2 firstborn parents (read: stubborn, “my way is the best way!”) and you have a million different opinions about how things should go, and a recipe for disaster unless you come up with some sort of plan!!!  Hold that thought…

And how about “vacation”?  I have recently heard a lot of different things about this word…”‘Vacation’ is just parenting in another location!”  “‘Vacation’ is just the same kind of work with a better view.”  And more recently, as I dive into the concept of REST (foreshadow for blogs coming soon…), I heard a speaker say, “We need to drop the idea of “vacation” from our concept of rest.” (Essentially, she is teaching that we need to learn & understand different ways to rest within our day to day lives.  But, you will have to wait for more on that…!)  I don’t mean to downplay vacation.  I really don’t.  Vacations as we know them, are important and fun ways to make great memories with our families and our friends!  And hopefully as we look back on them, we do have that “amnesia” (October blog post) that I have written about before, and all we remember are the fun moments…the laughter, the joy, the beautiful clips of the times things were working well, when we were using our best attributes, our strengths, and all our best attitudes were on display.  Those moments when most likely we were just being free, not worrying, not trying, not hyper-focusing on the “shoulds” and the goals and the “This is what we should be working on” lists.  Those moments when all of the hard work of the past year were hopefully shining through…and without even thinking about it, we were doing it!!  We were having fun just being together!!  Wait, maybe there IS freedom tucked inside that “vacation” word, even for special needs families!?!  We just have to choose to focus on those smaller chunks hidden inside some of the bigger calamity moments…

I’m sure we all had some of those moments too…those times when after a few days of your kids (& yourselves) being able to hold it together for the most part–acting and functioning normally while living amongst family or friends on “vacation”, and then…

…the dam broke loose…and there it was…

…the unleashing of the frustrations, maybe from the “back to reality” momentary realization of that unsettled feeling or out of control sensation when all of the routines are different…I don’t have my usual places to hide, my sources of retreat or comfort to run to…  I’m stuck in the middle of ALL.THESE.PEOPLE, and they expect me to act a certain way, and… I just can’t!!!

Or at least that’s how our kids (or we) might have felt in that moment.  And we suddenly forgot all of the calming techniques, breathing exercises, reminders to “use our words.” We retreated inside ourselves, or we lashed out with ugly disrespectful words, shouting, or kicking or screaming, or blatantly refused to do the next thing.  And all of a sudden, all eyes were on us, bewildered, wondering what in the world just happened?  What brought that on?  The feelings of judgment and shame and helplessness took our breaths away and we retreated more, or fell apart, or responded in our own ugliness and inability to hold it together any longer…

Then somehow, hopefully, we found enough strength and wisdom and energy to help bring it back to a breathable level, and we came back… to face the rest of those around us.

I’m leaving that vague on purpose…was it your child who lost it?  Or was it you?  Or both??  Was it really judgmental eyes that were on you, or was that your perception? Maybe, were they instead eyes of compassion and bewilderment, as they came to realize how hard it must be for you living your day to day life that the rest of the world typically doesn’t see… Or maybe their own eyes of helplessness, wondering what in the world could they do to support you in this?

I pray, and I KNOW, that there are those compassionate eyes and souls out there, hopefully in each one of our lives, who are willing to walk with us through those ugly moments.  Those friends, who after all of the dust settles, are willing to speak into your mess, with a quiet, “I’m sorry” if they may have had the wrong conclusion or had jumped in at the wrong time with unhelpful words.  Or those who, with a reassuring touch, or encouraging gentle reminder if they did see you turn things around, spoke quietly, “You’re doing the right thing…”  I believe those touches, those quiet words, those gentle assurances are the Lord’s way of reminding us, “I am with you.  I see you.  I will never leave you or forsake you.”  (Deut 31:8)  And they are also ways to show us WHO He may be using in each of our lives, helping us to see those who won’t shrink away when things are hard, those who are willing to stay by you when things are ugly and out of control.  Hopefully those are your family members, but even when they are not, I am willing to bet there are people in each one of our lives if we look and watch hard enough, that are willing to be there when we need them to be.

Whoa…I told you if I had written at the beginning of the summer, it would have had a less hopeful feel!?!  But, I promised a look back AND a look forward!  Yes, there have been incredibly hard parts about this summer.  But, as I do look back, both at pictures and in my memory loops, there are plenty of great things to hold onto, to cherish, and to use to move us forward.

Briefly, here is a quick list of things I think were helpful to make summer a success…things I want to be sure to remember for NEXT summer!

1) Realize and admit that yes, summer is hard for you or your family!

2) Surround yourself with people who understand and are willing to cheer you on, share ideas, and encourage you along the way (I am willing to be one of those people!!)

3) Make a loose overall plan for the summer, and get it out on paper.  We made 3 giant sized monthly calendars that ended up on our hallway door with all of our various activities.

    a) We are both working parents, so the first pass thru (which typically happens in ~April!!), is to make sure our kids are all accounted for on the days when we are both working!!

    b) The second & third passes thru are even more important in my mind…

Second pass thru–making sure there were at least a few days (or even a few chunks of hours) for just ME time–time for me to think or rest or write or read or go do something just for me.  Even though there were literally only ~3-4 of these chunks in our entire summer this year, just knowing I had at least those times to look forward to and be refreshed by, helped me to have a better, more giving attitude for my kids.

    c)  The third pass thru was hopefully the most fun…making sure there was at least one day for each kid to have their own day with just mom (or just dad, whichever the case may be), and then being able to clear our physical calendars and our mental agendas to be prepared to literally JUST BE with that child on that day, making him feel special–whether it was going somewhere or just having focused time and attention at home, or a combination of both, being present with my full being was enjoyable for them and very restful and soul-filling for me too!  (We also were lucky enough to have a few days with just the “littles” or just the “bigs” too.  It’s funny how taking away one child–no matter which one–just brings a different feel to the play, in a good way most of the time!)

4) Make a loose daily plan for the summer, and at least verbally share it with the kids, or write it out on clearly on paper too.  This just helps everyone to know what to expect and to be on the same page.  This means, when do they get screen time? What chores will they have to do and when? Will we have some quiet time each day?  Will we have outside time each day?  When will we be able to go somewhere or have friends over each day?  When will we have to do some “school pages” or reading time?  When we will have family time?  etc.

Doing just this little bit of planning truly helped us to have a lot of happy, smiling, joyful picture reels to look back on–both on my camera and in our minds–especially from each one of their special days!  Those one-on-one days will be the ones I cherish the most, hands down!!

There were, of course, still those days of everyone falling apart, feeling unsettled, with chaos ensuing and discouragement settling in.  There were still those weekends or “vacations” that left us feeling ready to come home.  But, even in those…maybe especially in those…I think there is hidden treasure, right?  Those moments, those feelings, remind us that we do feel most secure and most content at home!!  Or at least in the peace and comfort of our consistent routines!!!

So, let’s go create some new routines, right?  Oh wait, first I have one last special day to enjoy–I get to spend today with my middle boy!  We’re off to go watch some boats!!  His favorite thing to do, and for today…mine too.

I Choose Joy! Be thankful…expectantly.

Last week, we received some big, exciting news in my family…

My husband passed his seventh and final architecture licensing exam, marking a much anticipated end to an intense sixteen months of studying, and sacrifice from all of us!

It was definitely a moment when we took it all in, were so thankful for that one little word, “PASS,” and all that it meant for our family.  We are still basking in the joy of this news, and we continue to realize more and more how great it is to have our daddy back!!

These kind of milestones are the easy ones to see and remember and be thankful for, right?  We will remember that moment forever as a mark of accomplishment, joy and excitement for our family.

As we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, it’s also a little easier to pause and remember some of the general things we are thankful for.  My extended family always smiles, and sometimes groans playfully, when it’s my dad’s turn to say something he’s thankful for during our turkey dinner.  He says the same thing every year!  “I’m thankful for my wonderful family.”  And he means it.  Every year, he is not just saying that.  He truly is thankful for our family and all of its craziness.  If you’ve ever met him, you would know everything about us.  He IS that proud grandpa who tells anyone he meets about his family.  And of course, he always has pictures ready to share too!

Those are the big moments of thankfulness, right?

But, what about during the day to day grind?  When life is busy, calendars are full, homework is due, there are deadlines at work, appointments to be made, sleepy kids who don’t want to wake up and get dressed for another school day–or at the other end–completely worn out kids who are overtired and beyond themselves, struggling to do the next thing during the bedtime routine, threatening to sap every last ounce of your energy that you wanted to save for meaningful conversation later with your husband?  What about then?  Is it possible to be thankful then?!

I keep talking and writing about wanting to choose joy…

How does that happen?  How do I do that?  Am I just writing all of this?  Can I really live it?

I remember a time, early in my career.  It was cold and flu season in pediatrics…the hardest, most intense time of all, when kids are miserable, and parents are tapped out, frustrated that this is the eighth illness their kid’s had this year–“There must be something else wrong with him, Dr.  Can’t you fix him????”  The stress is high, the schedule is overbooked, sometimes the illness has been passed on to you, and you are just trying to make it through the day so you can go home to sleep before waking up and doing it all over again.  And this was before I had a husband or kids!!  One night, I was blubbering in the midst of my exhaustion, to a wise friend.  Even though he wasn’t able to fix my schedule or make the demands of my career any easier, he took a moment to challenge me to try to find one good thing in the midst of those trying days to be THANKFUL for…

And I did.

And they were there.

When I changed my focus…and turned away from my woes…and looked outside of myself…I saw those rays of light, the beauty amidst the darkness, the laughter amidst the fatigue and stress and illness.

They were there.

And it helped.

Each day I found one, then maybe two, then maybe three…

And they changed me.  And they satisfied me.  And they helped me to continue on.

I found joy…

I have been practicing pediatrics for almost twenty years now!?!?  I’ve gotten used to the schedule, to the rhythm of the seasons of pediatrics–cold & flu, then well-check/school form season!  My immune system is stronger.  I don’t catch every illness that comes through (except from my own kids!!), and my days aren’t as difficult with the same stresses of before.  But, with the advancement of time and seasons of life, new blessings have come along–a husband, a son, another son, and another son… new expectations, and new requirements for the ever sought after “balance” between work and home, between being a wife and a mother and a friend and a sister and a daughter and a leader and a writer?

And again comes the thought…How do I choose joy?

And I remember…

To look for the moments…no matter how tiny or how hidden or how twisted out of their ideal shape…to look for those moments in the midst of our pain and struggles…to be THANKFUL for…

Again they are here…

During those days at my job when I hear one thing after another about how medicine is changing and we need to meet this guideline, and make this budget cut, and work with this insurance company, and choose this drug instead of that one…And when, because of one of those budget cuts, I have to say goodbye to one of the best, most talented nurses I have ever worked with in my entire career, it is hard to step into that next patient room and into that next encounter trying to be as fresh and as untarnished as I was when I first started medicine…I can’t do that on my own.  But then the Lord provides…I walk into the room and find a half naked 6 month old showing off her new toothy grin…or a 1 yr old, babbling away, looking at a book upside down, as she “reads” the story to herself, joyfully pointing at all of the pictures…or a 5 yr old who replies as I’m asking his mom, “has he been exposed to chicken pox?”, “I like chicken!!”   Or even better, I walk into an intense room with a patient with ADHD or autism and a mom or dad with that look that I’ve had a million times myself–the look that reads, “I just need an ounce of encouragement, or I’m going to lose it!”  And I know, that because I’ve been there, I can truly understand and speak to them from my heart.  During all of those moments, I instantly smile, and am THANKFUL, and feel joy, and am able to carry on seeing patients and doing what I’ve felt called to do…

Or when, before my husband’s final test is taken and passed, we are facing the last week of intense study and time with daddy away from home.  As always the kids are acting up, all of our patience is thin, we are snippy and snappy and snarl impatient words at each other…the culture of the house as we try to persevere…but then my husband texts me to tell me that one of the pastors of our church, just called him out of the blue to see how he was doing.  He had prayed with him at church a few days before and my husband had just been on his mind, so he thought he would call to check in (Call!  Not text or email or send a Facebook message…CALL!)  And through my husband’s words telling me about this call, I could feel the power of the renewed hope in his own heart from the encouragement this man had given him, helping him to feel known and loved and cared for…

And because he felt that way, I felt that way…and was able to be THANKFUL, and feel joy, and was able to carry on caring for the house and our kids for a little while longer…

Or when, our autistic son’s after school program caregiver, emailed to tell us about yet another poop accident after school, which instantly sends a sinking shameful punch to your belly, in a way that no other news does…

But later when I talked to her in person, her voice and smile and countenance carried no air of annoyance or disgust or frustration.  Instead, she excitedly told us about how resilient our son is, and how truly carefree he walks through the halls, waving excitedly to those he knows on his way by.  He’s not upset…she’s not upset…why should I be upset?

I pause to be THANKFUL for this special angel the Lord has provided for our family who truly loves our sweet, resilient boy…and I feel joy, and am able to carry on…

As I get the next message from our principal about another son, who is in his office for the third time in the past few weeks, after making yet another impulsive foolish choice, and my heart sinks again, sad for my son, since I know this is not truly him or the way that he wants to behave.  Tears well up as I wait to hear what he did this time, and instead am amazed again by this special principal with his unending patience for these kids, his true desire to help them learn from their mistakes, and his wisdom in the way he speaks to them, building their character along the way.  It is hard, yet I am THANKFUL again for this man the Lord has provided to help guide all three of our boys through their school journeys, and I feel joy, and am able to carry on…

As I am in contact with our son’s doctor, his therapist, and his teacher, trying to make sense of all that is happening with these medicine changes and the frustrating effects they have had on his behaviors and his progress and the turmoil it has caused our family…and his therapist asks a clarifying question, “Is he sleeping?”, and I am able to pause and be so THANKFUL that yes, he is sleeping…all of his bedtime fears are gone, and he is sleeping, and all of us are sleeping.  We may have struggles during the waking hours, but unlike many other families I know who are struggling with these same issues on little to no sleep, we are sleeping.  And I am THANKFUL, and am able to pause and take joy in this gift I may not have otherwise noticed, that the Lord has quietly provided…and I am able to carry on…

As I have begun again to look for these little moments, it was even more amazing to rejoice in this last moment we were able to see as our son, struggling with all of these med changes, literally bouncing from one thought/activity to the next, comes down the stairs looking for one last piece of track to add to his latest hot wheels creation, and then comes flying back up, pauses, and says in a moment of amazing clarity, looking straight into my husband’s eyes, “I’m just so proud of you, Dad, for passing your test!  I mean, it’s just so cool, that now you can come home, and you don’t have to study!  You can just PLAY if you want to!!!”

And tearfully, we were able to pause (ok, we were actually speechlessly stunned into pausing!) and be THANKFUL, and feel joy, and are able to carry on into this next new chapter in our family’s life…

We are thankful expectantly…

“Joy” in the Bible is often used to describe celebration after realizing or remembering something the Lord has brought his people through.  The Lord is often reminding his people to look back–to remember the Lord who made them, to remember all He has saved them from, or to remember what He has carried them through.  Isaiah 51:1,3, “Listen to me…look to the rock from which you were hewn, and to the quarry from which you were dug…For the Lord comforts Zion {his people}; joy and gladness will be found in her {his people}, thanksgiving and the voice of song.”  Verse 11, “And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion {his people} with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”

Verse 12-13, “I, I am He who comforts you; who are you that you are afraid…and have forgotten the Lord, your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, and you fear continually all the day…”

When we forget…when we again turn inward to all of our woes and frustrations and challenges… when we forget to look for Him who loves us and made us…

Then we fear and despair and life is truly hard.

But..

When we REMEMBER the Lord, we can be THANKFUL expectantly…

When we choose to pause and be THANKFUL for what He has given us, or what He has brought us out of or carried us through…

We can expect to see & feel JOY!

Isaiah 52:8-9 “…together they sing for joy; for eye to eye they see the return of the Lord to Zion.  Break forth together into singing…for the Lord has comforted his people; he has redeemed Jerusalem.”

 

He will always be with you behind and before…

Isaiah 51:12 “for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.”

 

Happy Thanksgiving!  

I CHOOSE JOY!!