No, You are NOT Alone!

“Yes, I have felt that way, and NO, You are NOT Alone!” Most of you know, our family has chosen to pretty much live in a fish bowl. What I mean by that is we have intentionally decided to be very transparent and open about the struggles we go through. Our reason for doing that, is so that other people (friends, coworkers, neighbors, family members), when they come across these difficult situations themselves, feel comfortable approaching us to talk about it. There is SUCH power and comfort in knowing you are not alone!

I’ve felt a little nudge lately to write again, as we dive into this exhausting sort of second round of intense isolation with the push from many school districts, at least in our state, to go back to full distance learning. And now this time, even though the logistics and technology MAY be ironed out a bit better than they were in the spring, we are all unfortunately starting this next phase physically, emotionally, mentally, and maybe even spiritually EXHAUSTED and drained. “COVID fatigue” is another one of the 2020 terms we hope to never use again when we eventually finally emerge from all of this!

I’m writing this time, since I think so many people are SO exhausted and overwhelmed and defeated they don’t even have the energy to type out and post the frustrated rant on social media, or call a friend or family member for support. We’re so far into this drudgery that we have given up hope that anything will even make it better, or make us feel better, so we just keep dragging ourselves along, going through the motions. And worse yet, when we don’t even take the time or the chance to express these thoughts and feelings, the darkness gets worse and our thoughts get distorted. We begin to think and ask and believe, “AM I/ARE WE THE ONLY ONES WHO FEEL THIS WAY???” When we do go to FB or Instagram, we see all of the glossy, cleaned up pics and moments when distance learning is going well and kids look so cute in their jammies, curled up with the kitty as they listen to their teacher or write in their writing journals. But, in those newsfeeds, we will never come across the pics of the whole family screaming at each other; or the kid sobbing on their bed, curled up in a ball under their covers because their brain is full and they just can’t do anymore; or the teen who has not been in school for months and may or may not have physically seen a friend in person for days or weeks, who is dying inside unable to express all of these thoughts and feelings that usually come out in casual conversations as they bump into each other and laugh and joke in the hallways at school or stay up all night at sleepovers, naturally going back and forth between pranks and jokes to brave admissions of “I was thinking about ____the other day,” as they carefully watch the facial expression and body language response from their friends to see if this is something they’ve ever experienced as well; or the parent who is completely spent after making multiple meals every day, taking care of all of the “adulting”, trying to keep their own job, trying to make at least an effort to help their kids with school work, or at least know a little bit about what they are doing, who gets set off by one little mess they see in their home that has been driving them crazy for months or one sarcastic retort from their kid or spouse, and they LOSE IT, suddenly exploding, angrily shouting all of those pent up feelings and fears they’ve been stuffing for days or weeks or months, and they scream and cry and often finally collapse and then feel the guilt, the remorse, the “How could I talk to my kids that way?” “I’m the worst parent ever.” “No one else talks to their kid/spouse that way.” “No one else has kids like this!” “Everyone else’s kids have chores they keep up with, and they listen when they’re asked to do something.” “Everyone else’s kids are doing great at this distance learning thing.” “No one else has to help their kid this much!” “How come all of these parents are asking for MORE work for their kids? We can’t even keep up with what we have!?”

Trust me…YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I have the humbling privilege of being intimately inside family’s homes–sometimes quite literally these days through virtual appointments with me on their screen in their living room/bedroom, etc! But even in person in my office, I see the defeated, sometimes guilt-ridden looks on faces when we think we are not doing anything well! I see these faces on kids, on parents–both moms & dads, on my coworkers, on our supervisors, and especially on the faces of parents who are also teachers themselves–what I think is the most impossible combination right now–those teachers who are also parents, trying to teach from home, all the while also trying to help their own kids learn OR feeling immense guilt when they can’t because their own onscreen appearances are so tightly scheduled, they can’t step away when their own kids need them, or when the hundreds of online submissions from their students are calling on their time after they’ve already put in hours during the “regular school day”! And, as one of my seasoned teacher friends insightfully said recently, “We are all rookies! None of us are even first year teachers, having been prepared just a little bit through our student teaching times! We are all making it up as we go along!” SO, so exhausting and heartbreaking. And I KNOW it is not just teachers and healthcare workers having these kinds of feelings of being split and emotionally done after hard days at work. I know there are corporate jobs and service jobs, and retail jobs, and more–everyone is having to “pivot” (there’s another one of those eye-rolling 2020 words!?) and re-envision how this all works.

But, we can help each other. There can be light. There can be relief…even if only for a few moments.

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen the above faces (kids and adults) immediately soften, the body language relax, sometimes the tears well up, when I just listen, and smile and nod, and say, “You are not the only one who is feeling this way.” Or, “You are not the only one who has done that!” And even more pronounced are the physically relaxed and relieved responses when I ask them to look into my eyes and I give them permission to JUST DO THE BEST THAT THEY CAN. You are enough! Even if all the assignments don’t get turned in. Even if all of the grades aren’t passing. Even if you aren’t having home cooked nutritious meals every night. Even if your house is a mess. Even if you haven’t worn zipping and buttoning pants for months! You are enough. You are still a great kid, mom, dad, teacher, friend, neighbor, husband, wife. Your kids, your spouse, your friends, THEY JUST WANT YOU. They don’t care if you can do it all. They just want you.
There is one 2020 term that I do hope stays around…that term is GRACE. We need to give ourselves grace. We have to give each other grace… Grace to not be perfect, to not do it all, and to be ok with that! The grace examples/ideas I have tried to share with friends, patients, families, coworkers are just LITTLE THINGS. There are so many simple, little changes we can do to help lighten our days and our hearts, to bring back our smiles…even if just for a few moments.

For simplicity and time, I will list a few for you here:

*Have ONE place in your home that is clutter free where you can sit and feel calm and have peace. Maybe it is a comfy chair, or has the most natural light. Maybe there is a window with a view you like to look out on, or a plant, or a picture on the wall, or it has just the right table on which to place your coffee, your water, or your snack. Maybe you like the way the clock on the wall ticks behind you, or you can hear music indirectly from the next room. Maybe there are fresh flowers, or a Christmas pine arrangement or some essential oils diffusing. Involve all of your senses! But wherever this place is…even if the rest of your house is a mess, KEEP THIS PLACE CLEAN and free of clutter. This is your haven you can escape to when everything else is swirling around you.

*Sunshine. Cool brisk air. GET OUTSIDE!! Even if you just get yourself or your kids all bundled up and simply walk outside to the mailbox or the end of the driveway or to the corner on your street. Obviously, getting more exercise will help and be rewarding, but EVEN IF you only go this short distance, the change of environment, the bright sunshine when it is there, and/or the change in temperature–the cool brisk air, will give you a “STATE CHANGE”–if you were in a slump before you got outside or if you were in the midst of an angry, frustrated rant–giving yourself a “state change” will change your perspective, will help get you (or your child) out of fight or flight mode if that is where you are stuck, and will help you take a different mental, emotional, physical path when you come back inside. (Other state changes include taking a shower or bath, eating some food, taking a nap or getting some sleep.)

*Look at some OLD pics or photo albums–flood yourself with happy memories! If you still have photo albums or scrapbooks, get them out, look through them. Transport yourself immediately back to happy times! (If you are looking at pics on your phone, go back several years. Sometimes if we are just looking back at last year, it brings more grief, sadness, in realizing what we are missing out on. But going back several years, will bring you back to younger days–either for yourself or your kiddos–and they will see physical differences–the cute, chubby smiles! :)) EVEN BETTER–look at pics with someone, or if you can’t be together, text a couple pics to a friend or family member you haven’t talked to for a long time! That instant connection and reliving old memories will flood your brain with happy thoughts and warm feelings.

*Do simple things throughout your day that bring you JOY. Choose a coffee mug you love to look at. Hang up one decoration or picture that makes you feel festive. Wrap up in a blanket you like the feel of. Make a fire in your fireplace during your work day. Use a certain pen just because you like the way the ink flows! Right? We all have that one little thing that just makes the day go more smoothly. Treat yourself!

*Finally, give yourself a break. Give yourself that grace that we were talking about before. Allow yourself to NOT send out Christmas cards this year AND let yourself ok with that. If you still feel like you HAVE to do that, then instead of Christmas cards, intentionally choose to send out “Random day in January cards!” :)We need to help each other with this as well. Help someone else give themselves grace–it is sometimes so helpful when someone else lovingly points these things out to us…”Or you could NOT do ____, and it would still be ok…”

Such simple steps, such simple reminders, and YET, so powerful in relieving the pressure, allowing ourselves and each other room to breathe again.

“Yes, I HAVE felt that way, and NO, you are not alone!” I can’t resist adding and concluding with this reminder–These are not new words! This is not a new idea. GRACE is actually not just a 2020 word. We are about to celebrate the best reminder of this. GRACE is a person. GRACE is JESUS! GRACE was sent down to us in human flesh—HE has felt all of these human emotions, and yet without sin. He died on the cross to rescue you, and me, and to restore our relationship with God, so that we can truly know, “I am not alone.”

Isaiah 9:2-3, 6-7 “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone. You have multiplied the nation; you have increased its joy…For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore.”

Psalm 71:9, 14 “…forsake me not when my strength is spent…But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.”

Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.”

ONE DAY we will finally be able to look back on this MIRY BOG of 2020/COVID TIMES with a NEW SONG in our hearts, a SONG OF PRAISE to our GOD! Until then, give yourself GRACE, and remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!