Depression confession…

My “depression confession”…

I have been waiting to figure out how and when I would share this story, my story.  It seems this Easter weekend, on the Saturday between “Good” Friday– remembering the darkness of that day, and yet knowing the end of the story and the Hope that is to come tomorrow, Easter–Resurrection Sunday…this seems like a good time! 

You mostly know me as the encourager, the cheerleader, the “I’ve got some great wisdom for you” doctor, friend, sister, daughter, mom, wife.  But in the past several months now, that person has been harder and harder to find. Several weeks ago, I listened to a CME (continuing medical education) talk called “Who Heals the Healer?” Part of the presentation included slides with “health care worker” in the middle and all of the various “traumas” surrounding us from the past two years that have pounded and pressed and compounded, essentially reminding us we are VERY human and there are limits to what we can handle.  That was the first step in me taking a moment to REALLY realize–admit?–how I was doing…

Over the next few days, I started putting out “feelers” to friends & co-workers I knew who had been down the depression/anxiety path before…still trying to figure out was this really happening to me? 

Eventually this led to me “raising the white flag” and sending this message to my own dr (also a colleague and friend)…

“Hi Anne. Well, you’ve always said, let me know if you need help with all of the stresses of life!  I think it’s time… Short summary is, I just feel like I don’t have any reserves left and can’t shake the darkness. Longer story, I’m usually the cheerleader everywhere in my life–home, work, family, friends, and now I am barely keeping on top of the bare minimum of life and everything else irritates me more than it should.  I can’t handle taking on anyone else’s emotions, which is not a good place to be considering my high needs kids and practice, actually!  I keep trying all the things I know–walking, eating well, reading, resting, meeting with friends, my spiritual life–they will work for a few days and then I sink back down to an overeating, wanting to sleep all day, mess! 😦 

So, I have my well check next week with you. Not sure if you would want to start something before that (oh, and also I am headed on a big supposed to be fun, but undoubtedly will be stressful, spring break trip on 3/27–California–Disneyland, Legoland, and beach!?), or if you want to wait until I come in?

In case you are not in today–nursing–it is ok to wait until she comes back. I am also a physician.  I am not suicidal and not thinking of hurting myself and know my resources! 

Thank you all! 

Humbly, 

melissa”

(I included the whole message, word for word, as several people have since commented to me, “You are STILL taking care of others even as you send your cry for help–not wanting the nursing team to have to do extra work to make sure you are ok!?”)

It was amazing the sense of calm relief that came over me even as I pushed “send”. Just taking that tiny/HUGE step of admitting and then asking for help, lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders and cleared a big chunk of space in my mind that had been ruminating and wondering for likely much longer than I should have been.  And then, I copied and pasted the message to share with my circle–my inner circle of my besties, my family, and those who had been supporting me through these past heavy, dark years of COVID.  Again, more and more weight lifted as the responses of love and support came pouring in.  Lots of tears as I heard and read their words, but a new sense of hope and even a hint of joy started to break through. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks.  Thankfully my amazing dr DID send a prescription for me right then*, and I likely experienced the “honeymoon phase” of the medication working really well right at the beginning, blessedly right during our California trip, which as many of you saw, was an awesome time with our family and some of our lifelong friends, making many sweet memories! (*I am not saying that everyone in this situation needs medicine.  Sometimes therapy/counseling, other supports are enough…more on this in future posts!) 

And then, back to real life… 

The past few weeks since we’ve been home have been rough again, I will admit.  Of course, there is always the post-vacay blues and jet lag…and then our boys were sick off & on for the next several days with all of the illnesses that have come flooding back as we begin to remove our COVID masks!  And the heaviness of my job, still with the unknown horizon of what COVID may bring next, and even harder, the path of mental health destruction and devastation for kids and families that it has caused along the way, still bombard me every day.

And yet, God…

“But God…”

In His loving faithfulness, it is Easter season…Holy Week!  And while I have felt so much silly guilt that I have not had the energy or the desire to do all the things we usually do–get out our bright Easter decorations, go through our tradition of creating and acting out the Easter story with the playdoh tomb, reading through the verses as a family using our Resurrection eggs that re-tell the Easter story…Even without these traditions…He has still been faithful to me–helping me to still long for my morning time with Him, in His word, reading my own Lent devotional, re-telling the stories of Jesus’ life leading up to this Holy Week and His amazing sacrifice for each one of us, for ME!  

The light in this darkness has been His preparation in me.  And in this gloomy COLD, DARK, NEVERENDING WINTER/”SPRING”, especially in MN, HIS intense light and faithfulness and HOPE has been brought to life so much more clearly during this Easter season for me (and I pray for you!). 

In His faithfulness, we were able to make it to our church’s beautiful and powerful Good Friday service last night, with powerful theatrical, yet word-for-word scripture readings with background sound effects helping us truly feel we were sitting inside the story.  Even our usually squirrely boys were silent, captivated by the power of the story and the truth it held, especially as our pastor included a refrain to help us hear it and say it and internalize it for ourselves…After reading some of the details of the story and all of the previously prophesied events that came true, he would say, “What do you think about that?” And we were to answer, “UNBELIEVABLE!” To which he said, “He did this for us.”  And we got to say these powerfully intimate words, “He did this for me!”

Then, as I woke up this morning again to another initially cloudy, cold day, my scripture readings came alive even more–on this Easter Saturday, the day of waiting, the day between the darkness of Good Friday–when God poured out His wrath for OUR sins onto His Son, Jesus, our sinless Saviour, who willingly died in our place on the cross–and the HOPE of Easter Sunday, when the empty tomb was revealed because Jesus had been resurrected!…

John 14:1 {Jesus speaking in the days before his death}…”LET NOT YOUR HEARTS BE TROUBLED. Believe in God; believe also in me…

…If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also…

John 14:6 “I am the Way, and the Truth and the Life.  No one comes to the Father except through me…”

…Whoever has seen me has seen the Father.”

…Because I live, you also will live.  In that day, you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you…”

…And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him…

John 14:26 “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.

LET NOT YOUR HEARTS BE TROUBLED, neither let them be afraid…

…And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe.” 

He is so faithful!!  We are so loved! He sees us, He knows us–each one of us intimately.  The Bible says He knows every thought before it even comes to mind.  He knows every hair on our head.  He sees, He loves, He cares.  

I was blessed to have so much love and support when I stepped out of my inward thoughts and truly shared what was going on.  But even if you feel like there is no one in your life who will understand, or maybe worse, you feel you will receive condemnation if you speak out about how you are feeling, know that there is One who will never leave you nor forsake you.  He loves you, He died for you.  He will make you new…ALIVE IN HIM! 

Easter is coming!  Spoiler alert–the tomb is empty!  Jesus is ALIVE.  And He is walking with us, with you, with me, every step of the way. 

Be brave.  Cry out to Him. Ask Him who in your life may be a safe person to share your story with.  Courageously take that next step. And know that even if you feel all alone in this world, you are not.  He will turn your darkness into light.  He will make your paths straight.

And from me, Melissa, Dr. Melissa, friend Melissa, daughter, sister, neighbor, wife, mom, colleague Melissa…I see you.  I love you.  I am for you.  I am in your corner.  But I am only human.  I will surely fail you in my own weaknesses from time to time.  

But God…!  He is unchanging, and He will NEVER fail you.  His promises never fail. 

Psalm 18:28 “For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.”

Isaiah 42:16 “And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.  These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.”

“BUT GOD…!”  HE is FAITHFUL!  

Much love to you from the bottom of my heart!  And Happy Easter! 

Humbly,

Melissa

Still true…

New Year’s Day today, and I found myself re-reading this…one of my first blog posts…5yrs ago, but I could have written it this week. The same heartaches exist, maybe even more frequently now. 💔 I thought I would re-share in case like me, you need to read this again! Know that I see you… you are not an awful parent, your child is not a monster, your situation is not without hope. You are both loved! And there is light in the darkness!

No, you’re not alone!

No, you’re not alone…and no, those are not the worst stories I’ve ever heard.

I’m realizing that I need to say this more often than I do. I know I have been given the privilege as a doctor, but also as a mom, or a friend, to hear people’s stories…to enter into a very private place in their world…with their words and their stories to enter into their homes…to their high emotions, their fears…

I have long accepted that the Lord has given me my own stories with my own boys, in our home, in our hearts and in our fears, so that when I am listening to a story…hard stories…I can nod and truly understand, instead of trying to hold my face into a nonjudgmental look allowing them to go on. I am always hoping that in my face, in my eyes, they can see that I know…that I see the beautiful child in front of us…that I know they are not terrible parents…that inside both of them, the child and the parent, there is a deep relationship waiting to be brought back, to be nurtured again, to be filled with laughter and peace, instead of the painful cycle that has evolved of frustration and impatience and yelling and defeated giving in out of sheer exhaustion.

Sometimes these are terrible stories. My heart breaks to hear over and over again the words of suicidal thoughts…sometimes real, sometimes used to manipulate when frustrated, defeated kids have no other way of expressing their desire for help and understanding. Sometimes they are shocking stories filled with impulsive actions, with knives or saws or fists or hammers…they may have been using them in appropriate ways–working on a project, putting away dishes from the dishwasher, but then something snapped…someone said something that frustrated them, that hit a hot button in them, and instead of logically stepping away or thinking it through or seeing it from the other person’s vantage point, they felt anxious and out of control and couldn’t find that front part of their brain full of executive functioning, and instead they acted from the back, the fight or flight, and that knife, that saw, that fist, was now aimed inappropriately…

In these moments, yes, my heart is breaking, and yes, somewhere inside I am shocked, or used to be shocked. But, now, after hearing so many similar stories in my office, or from friends brave enough to share the real happenings in their homes, or yes, from inside my own home, I know…and I have seen how quickly these things can happen–how quickly things escalate from seemingly small things…

…one more homework problem that feels like a GIANT ticking time clock stealing away precious “playtime” on a school night;

…one seemingly innocent “helpful” comment, “don’t forget to put your snack in your backpack” that instead feels like another WEIGHT on the back of a day full of “helpful” suggestions reminding him again that he can’t do it right or on his own;

…or one more misinterpreted tone of voice that snuck out of an exhausted, overwhelmed, out-of-ideas-to-help parent that became a BLARING stab of disapproval to a hyper focused beaten down self esteem of an inner child desperately seeking the loving cheerleader voice from her parents…

I know that these are the moments when chaos ensues and somewhat normal nights turn into terrible nightmare moments that cause us to think, “Is this really happening?” “Is this really my child?” “Did those words really just come out of my mouth?” And in panic and reactionary thinking, we often do enter into the dark snowball of fight or flight reactions.

Then, as the dust settles, we are able to make it through, and maybe even sleep. And maybe even move on to another day that hopefully goes better, maybe even without blow-ups. But, then those same kinds of triggers return and it is all happening again. And we wonder, “Is this really happening?” “Is this ever going to get better?”

These are usually the nights when Brandon and I have fallen into bed, barely speaking, still reeling from the effects of all that may have happened in one of these out of control moments…

…and in my weakness, my desperation to be known and understood…instead of seeking comfort in the One who knows us and who made us and who desperately loves us…

…instead of praying, I am searching on the internet for others who can give me some comfort, who have been through this, who can bring hope…I search “Christian mom of ADHD”, “parenting ADHD or anxiety or anger or…

Many times I have not found much. I’ve often told friends that there seem to be so many blogs about autism or parenting autism…and there are… so many great ones. Maybe it’s easier to write about the sweet innocence that is often present in our autistic kids, even in the midst of frustration. Unfortunately, I think the parents of ADHD, anxiety/anger, executive function difficulties are too busy reeling and recovering to have time to write about their experiences…

So, this is my hope, and my prayer, and my resolve…

To say more often that next step, as yes, I am listening without a face of judgment, and with eyes of understanding and empathy and love for the beautiful hearts inside these tired, fearful, and often isolated parents and children…

To say, “No, you are not alone. And no, those are not the worst stories I have ever heard. And no, I don’t think your child is awful. And no, I don’t think it is your parenting that has caused this.”

No, you are not alone.

When our oldest son was still a toddler, the Lord placed it on our hearts to give him a verse…

We kept repeating the verse to him over and over again; telling him it was his verse. We would say it at bedtime. We would pray it over him. We would write it in chalk on the sidewalk in front of our house. And one day when he was still little, maybe three years old, we started to say it and he finished the rest! We knew it was in his heart. Now today, at 10 years old, it hangs over his bed at night. It is still a frequent prayer of ours for him. It is spoken over him when he is fearful as he falls asleep. It is prayed on nights before big or new events, which are always anxiety provoking for him. It is whispered to him if we see a look in his eye, a moment of fear or hesitation…

It is his reminder that, “No, you are not alone.” And yes, you are so, so loved.

Keenan’s verse is this…

Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be dismayed (or worried); for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Before Jude was born…before we even knew the challenges he would face, the Lord laid on our hearts a verse for him. In his difficulties with speech and language, he doesn’t always understand it fully and can’t yet recite it, although he does know some of its parts. We still know this is the verse given for him. We wrote it on the back of the helmet he had to wear as an infant to help his head grow the right way. We still pray it over him before new or big situations, just like Keenan’s. And probably more frequently, we pray it to ourselves, as we are preparing for something new or difficult in his autism journey.

It is his reminder, and our reminder, that, “No, you are not alone.” And yes, you are so, so loved.

Jude’s verse is this…

Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed (or worried), for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

When we found out we were pregnant with Luke, this time we prayed for the Lord to give us a verse for him. I came across this one, with so many of the same reminders and promises of the other boys’. It has been written on the head of Luke’s bed to help him remember as he is falling asleep, frequently fighting the toddler battles of monsters and other unknown shadows in the darkness of the nights. We pray it over him, and we watch the many ways the Lord uses this verse in all of our lives.

It is his reminder, and ours, that, “No, you are not alone.” And yes, you are so, so loved.

Luke’s verse is this…

Deuteronomy 31:8 “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed (or worried).”

I hope and pray that whenever you need a tangible reminder that, “No, you are not alone,” the Lord will lead you here to these words He is speaking through me, as I bathe them in prayer for you. And you will be comforted. And you will feel that you are known and understood…And that I am cheering for you. And we will walk this together!

No, you are not alone.

My best “pre-game” advice for your next IEP meeting…

For anyone with an upcoming IEP meeting…here is my best advice (mostly as mom, maybe a little pediatrician thrown in 😉)

“Pre-game”:

#1 Have a team of friends/family members or whomever you have in your life who “gets it”, be praying for your meeting—both beforehand, during, and after; or at least who promises to just KNOW you are going through it and who promises to be thinking about you during the meeting, and be available for you after the meeting, IF you feel like talking about it.

#2 Think of EVERY possible great thing you love about your kid! EVERY strength they have! EVERY way you’ve seen them grow over the past year…even if it’s in the babiest of steps! ❤️ And KEEP those thoughts forefront in your mind for the full 24 hrs before as you eat, sleep, breathe, dream, AND during the actual meeting…especially when assessment test scores are being spewed into the air! 😉 Always remember, your kid is definitely NOT just a number!

#3 Try to think about questions you have for the team, goals you may have for your kids—academically, socially, or personally. And believe the best of your team before going in—that they want your kid to do well and succeed too! And always remember YOU, as the parent, are an expert part of the team as well!!! Finally WRITE DOWN these questions/goals, so you don’t forget them the day of the meeting.

#4 Try to schedule the meeting itself for a time when you don’t have to jump back into real life immediately following the meeting. If you do have to go back to work or back to parenting, try to schedule at least a half hour or hour of breathing/processing time. Unfortunately, you may come out RAW! The often sad, hard nature of these meetings is having to focus on the deficits in order to create the goals. It is another form of grief that hits you right between the eyes sometimes if you aren’t ready for it! It’s ok to have ANY emotion afterward, or even ALL of them all jumbled up—sad, mad, angry, exhausted, thankful, blessed, encouraged—rotate and repeat!! 😜

#5 Prepare physically—get enough sleep the night before, eat something beforehand and avoid too much coffee! 😬 Wear waterproof mascara and put some tissues in your pocket just in case! 😘

“Game Day!” 🏅

#6 Walk in confidently and joyfully! Remember, YOU are a very valuable member of the team. Your voice matters! And even more importantly, your kid MATTERS!! 🥰 He or she is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139). You and the team may just have to work extra hard to figure out what makes him/her “tick”, and what supports he/she may need to be at their best, to learn the way their brains prefer/need to learn, and to translate to the team what their behaviors may be saying/screaming/shouting! All kids want to do their best “when they are able to!” (Pediatrician brain talking here…) The longer I work with kids/families, the more I think the traditional way we have done school for years on end, really only fits easily for a small percentage of kiddos!! All the rest need a little tweaking to make it their own! ❤️ (And hats off to education researchers who are discovering all of these different ways to learn/teach!)

“Post-game” 😅

#7 The next time you see your beautiful kiddo—whether at the school or at home, take an extra minute to hug them/love them/celebrate them/really see them! They are a gift! They may be a little trickier to figure out sometimes and might not always feel like a gift 😜, but they are a gift! And they need you to see them, and be for them, and to know you are in their corner. 😍

#8 When you have a minute, circle back to someone on your own team (see #1) to let them know how it went—good or bad. Let them love on you a little! Hopefully, if you’ve found the right “someone”, they will just “sit with you in it” for a bit, and let you unpack it and process it, or rejoice with you if it went well. 🎉

And if you don’t have a “someone who gets it,” please know that I get it!! This pediatrician mama “gets it” more than you know!! 💟 I see you. I see your kiddo. I see you both trying so hard. I see the mistakes, the heartbreaks, and the tiny little wins!! And I will be celebrating my heart out with you as we string those wins together!! 🎉💜🎉 You are not alone…and you’ve got this!!! 🙏🏻 (And I will be praying the Lord brings into your life a “someone who gets it”!)

Psalm 31:7
[7] I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul…” ✝️

P.s. Feel free to share WIDELY with anyone who may need to read this!! It would be my honor!

No, You are NOT Alone!

“Yes, I have felt that way, and NO, You are NOT Alone!” Most of you know, our family has chosen to pretty much live in a fish bowl. What I mean by that is we have intentionally decided to be very transparent and open about the struggles we go through. Our reason for doing that, is so that other people (friends, coworkers, neighbors, family members), when they come across these difficult situations themselves, feel comfortable approaching us to talk about it. There is SUCH power and comfort in knowing you are not alone!

I’ve felt a little nudge lately to write again, as we dive into this exhausting sort of second round of intense isolation with the push from many school districts, at least in our state, to go back to full distance learning. And now this time, even though the logistics and technology MAY be ironed out a bit better than they were in the spring, we are all unfortunately starting this next phase physically, emotionally, mentally, and maybe even spiritually EXHAUSTED and drained. “COVID fatigue” is another one of the 2020 terms we hope to never use again when we eventually finally emerge from all of this!

I’m writing this time, since I think so many people are SO exhausted and overwhelmed and defeated they don’t even have the energy to type out and post the frustrated rant on social media, or call a friend or family member for support. We’re so far into this drudgery that we have given up hope that anything will even make it better, or make us feel better, so we just keep dragging ourselves along, going through the motions. And worse yet, when we don’t even take the time or the chance to express these thoughts and feelings, the darkness gets worse and our thoughts get distorted. We begin to think and ask and believe, “AM I/ARE WE THE ONLY ONES WHO FEEL THIS WAY???” When we do go to FB or Instagram, we see all of the glossy, cleaned up pics and moments when distance learning is going well and kids look so cute in their jammies, curled up with the kitty as they listen to their teacher or write in their writing journals. But, in those newsfeeds, we will never come across the pics of the whole family screaming at each other; or the kid sobbing on their bed, curled up in a ball under their covers because their brain is full and they just can’t do anymore; or the teen who has not been in school for months and may or may not have physically seen a friend in person for days or weeks, who is dying inside unable to express all of these thoughts and feelings that usually come out in casual conversations as they bump into each other and laugh and joke in the hallways at school or stay up all night at sleepovers, naturally going back and forth between pranks and jokes to brave admissions of “I was thinking about ____the other day,” as they carefully watch the facial expression and body language response from their friends to see if this is something they’ve ever experienced as well; or the parent who is completely spent after making multiple meals every day, taking care of all of the “adulting”, trying to keep their own job, trying to make at least an effort to help their kids with school work, or at least know a little bit about what they are doing, who gets set off by one little mess they see in their home that has been driving them crazy for months or one sarcastic retort from their kid or spouse, and they LOSE IT, suddenly exploding, angrily shouting all of those pent up feelings and fears they’ve been stuffing for days or weeks or months, and they scream and cry and often finally collapse and then feel the guilt, the remorse, the “How could I talk to my kids that way?” “I’m the worst parent ever.” “No one else talks to their kid/spouse that way.” “No one else has kids like this!” “Everyone else’s kids have chores they keep up with, and they listen when they’re asked to do something.” “Everyone else’s kids are doing great at this distance learning thing.” “No one else has to help their kid this much!” “How come all of these parents are asking for MORE work for their kids? We can’t even keep up with what we have!?”

Trust me…YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I have the humbling privilege of being intimately inside family’s homes–sometimes quite literally these days through virtual appointments with me on their screen in their living room/bedroom, etc! But even in person in my office, I see the defeated, sometimes guilt-ridden looks on faces when we think we are not doing anything well! I see these faces on kids, on parents–both moms & dads, on my coworkers, on our supervisors, and especially on the faces of parents who are also teachers themselves–what I think is the most impossible combination right now–those teachers who are also parents, trying to teach from home, all the while also trying to help their own kids learn OR feeling immense guilt when they can’t because their own onscreen appearances are so tightly scheduled, they can’t step away when their own kids need them, or when the hundreds of online submissions from their students are calling on their time after they’ve already put in hours during the “regular school day”! And, as one of my seasoned teacher friends insightfully said recently, “We are all rookies! None of us are even first year teachers, having been prepared just a little bit through our student teaching times! We are all making it up as we go along!” SO, so exhausting and heartbreaking. And I KNOW it is not just teachers and healthcare workers having these kinds of feelings of being split and emotionally done after hard days at work. I know there are corporate jobs and service jobs, and retail jobs, and more–everyone is having to “pivot” (there’s another one of those eye-rolling 2020 words!?) and re-envision how this all works.

But, we can help each other. There can be light. There can be relief…even if only for a few moments.

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen the above faces (kids and adults) immediately soften, the body language relax, sometimes the tears well up, when I just listen, and smile and nod, and say, “You are not the only one who is feeling this way.” Or, “You are not the only one who has done that!” And even more pronounced are the physically relaxed and relieved responses when I ask them to look into my eyes and I give them permission to JUST DO THE BEST THAT THEY CAN. You are enough! Even if all the assignments don’t get turned in. Even if all of the grades aren’t passing. Even if you aren’t having home cooked nutritious meals every night. Even if your house is a mess. Even if you haven’t worn zipping and buttoning pants for months! You are enough. You are still a great kid, mom, dad, teacher, friend, neighbor, husband, wife. Your kids, your spouse, your friends, THEY JUST WANT YOU. They don’t care if you can do it all. They just want you.
There is one 2020 term that I do hope stays around…that term is GRACE. We need to give ourselves grace. We have to give each other grace… Grace to not be perfect, to not do it all, and to be ok with that! The grace examples/ideas I have tried to share with friends, patients, families, coworkers are just LITTLE THINGS. There are so many simple, little changes we can do to help lighten our days and our hearts, to bring back our smiles…even if just for a few moments.

For simplicity and time, I will list a few for you here:

*Have ONE place in your home that is clutter free where you can sit and feel calm and have peace. Maybe it is a comfy chair, or has the most natural light. Maybe there is a window with a view you like to look out on, or a plant, or a picture on the wall, or it has just the right table on which to place your coffee, your water, or your snack. Maybe you like the way the clock on the wall ticks behind you, or you can hear music indirectly from the next room. Maybe there are fresh flowers, or a Christmas pine arrangement or some essential oils diffusing. Involve all of your senses! But wherever this place is…even if the rest of your house is a mess, KEEP THIS PLACE CLEAN and free of clutter. This is your haven you can escape to when everything else is swirling around you.

*Sunshine. Cool brisk air. GET OUTSIDE!! Even if you just get yourself or your kids all bundled up and simply walk outside to the mailbox or the end of the driveway or to the corner on your street. Obviously, getting more exercise will help and be rewarding, but EVEN IF you only go this short distance, the change of environment, the bright sunshine when it is there, and/or the change in temperature–the cool brisk air, will give you a “STATE CHANGE”–if you were in a slump before you got outside or if you were in the midst of an angry, frustrated rant–giving yourself a “state change” will change your perspective, will help get you (or your child) out of fight or flight mode if that is where you are stuck, and will help you take a different mental, emotional, physical path when you come back inside. (Other state changes include taking a shower or bath, eating some food, taking a nap or getting some sleep.)

*Look at some OLD pics or photo albums–flood yourself with happy memories! If you still have photo albums or scrapbooks, get them out, look through them. Transport yourself immediately back to happy times! (If you are looking at pics on your phone, go back several years. Sometimes if we are just looking back at last year, it brings more grief, sadness, in realizing what we are missing out on. But going back several years, will bring you back to younger days–either for yourself or your kiddos–and they will see physical differences–the cute, chubby smiles! :)) EVEN BETTER–look at pics with someone, or if you can’t be together, text a couple pics to a friend or family member you haven’t talked to for a long time! That instant connection and reliving old memories will flood your brain with happy thoughts and warm feelings.

*Do simple things throughout your day that bring you JOY. Choose a coffee mug you love to look at. Hang up one decoration or picture that makes you feel festive. Wrap up in a blanket you like the feel of. Make a fire in your fireplace during your work day. Use a certain pen just because you like the way the ink flows! Right? We all have that one little thing that just makes the day go more smoothly. Treat yourself!

*Finally, give yourself a break. Give yourself that grace that we were talking about before. Allow yourself to NOT send out Christmas cards this year AND let yourself ok with that. If you still feel like you HAVE to do that, then instead of Christmas cards, intentionally choose to send out “Random day in January cards!” :)We need to help each other with this as well. Help someone else give themselves grace–it is sometimes so helpful when someone else lovingly points these things out to us…”Or you could NOT do ____, and it would still be ok…”

Such simple steps, such simple reminders, and YET, so powerful in relieving the pressure, allowing ourselves and each other room to breathe again.

“Yes, I HAVE felt that way, and NO, you are not alone!” I can’t resist adding and concluding with this reminder–These are not new words! This is not a new idea. GRACE is actually not just a 2020 word. We are about to celebrate the best reminder of this. GRACE is a person. GRACE is JESUS! GRACE was sent down to us in human flesh—HE has felt all of these human emotions, and yet without sin. He died on the cross to rescue you, and me, and to restore our relationship with God, so that we can truly know, “I am not alone.”

Isaiah 9:2-3, 6-7 “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone. You have multiplied the nation; you have increased its joy…For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore.”

Psalm 71:9, 14 “…forsake me not when my strength is spent…But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.”

Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.”

ONE DAY we will finally be able to look back on this MIRY BOG of 2020/COVID TIMES with a NEW SONG in our hearts, a SONG OF PRAISE to our GOD! Until then, give yourself GRACE, and remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

It’s OK NOT to be okay!

It’s OK NOT to be okay!
Just in case anyone needed to hear that today, or needed that permission today…I needed that today. I think I’m going to need that every day of this entire school year!?This.is.HARD!

I usually can get through these hard seasons. I’m usually able to weather the big push days and then take a little bit of time to stop and rest and reflect, before I go at it again. I’m usually able to endure, and then with just a little bit of mental rest, still have room to take a minute to encourage others with a cute pic, or a funny thing my kids did, or a memory we made, or a scripture I just read, or a beautiful nature pic, etc, etc. But the last few days, not so much! I feel like it would take too much energy to even type anything out!

I have to admit that scares me a little. It scares me that even my usual helps are not helping as much.

I have an amazing moms group that meets sporadically to talk through these insane lives we live with our extra special kiddos (our preferred way of saying “special needs kids”). We usually “go deep” fast when we talk, since we know every moment is a stolen moment, and we don’t want to waste a minute talking about surface small talk kinds of things! But last night we met, and it just felt GOOD to stay light for once and talk about the easy stuff like schedules and which kid is doing what. It was ok to just enjoy each other and have fun, right?

So why did I feel unrest today, instead of feeling recharged with an uplifted heart and soul after those usually super encouraging meetings?

Or my WW group (previously called weight watchers–ok, let’s be real–everyone STILL calls it that even though they’ve tried to re-brand!?). I actually went to an IN PERSON studio meeting today! It was the first time since March, as they are just beginning to open again! I have been trying to do the virtual meetings, but I was super excited to be there in person. It was one of the fun, enthusiastic coaches that I usually really like. The people who typically come to that group are usually encouraging, yet real, and I leave feeling lifted up, knowing I can keep doing this and fighting the weight/health battle. But today I left sad. I know some of it was just another slap in the face of COVID grief–we had to wear masks, there were only a few people allowed in, and the chairs were 6ft apart so we could socially distance, which just makes the room feel empty instead of full and filled with life, as strangers who have become friends chatter away about how their weeks went. That was just harder to do six feet apart and wearing a mask…

But, I feel like there was something more to my sadness that carried over into the rest of my day. What was this unrest?

I tried to go for a walk. Usually before I tackle my inside chores, I strategically clear my mind and fuel my body with a brisk walk or run, especially if the sun is shining–as it was today on this unseasonably warm fall MN day! The leaves are already SOOOOOOO beautiful–a tapestry of reds and oranges and yellows. My walk felt great, I was listening to life-giving praise music, and usually I would head back home ready to tackle my ever present list.

So why the persistent unrest?

Admittedly, this COVID craziness may truly be hitting me harder than some. As a healthcare worker–a pediatrician at that–I see and hear and feel the fears, the frustrations, the anger, the stress–emotional, financial & physical stress, in my patients, their parents, my colleagues and coworkers, and in my own family–my husband, my kids, their teachers, their friends, our friends, & our neighbors. EVERY.single.decision is 500 times more complicated. There are new protocols AND new research findings emerging daily (sometimes hourly!) that change everything we’ve just finally “figured out!” My brain is constantly in multiple places at once. And even if I do try to be mindful of just staying in the place where I am physically present, I still know there is an eternal list in my brain of things I need to do or get to, or people I should be checking in on. And the emails!?!?! Oh, the emails. I literally saw a Facebook meme today that said, “Meanwhile, I had to quit my job so I could read emails from my kids’ schools full time!” That is me! My personal and my work emails are completely overloaded, and admittedly I CAN’T KEEP UP! I told one of my boys’ teachers today, if I accidentally miss the notice that it’s picture day or something, could you at least make sure my son doesn’t have food or marker on his face, and we’ll call it good for this year!?!

Being busy for me is not unusual. In pediatrics, there are definitely seasons of extra hard work and long hours–back to school check ups and flu season are two of them. But usually there is a start and an end to those seasons. NOW? It is all running together and never ending! Usually, in “regular life,” these seasons have a way of waxing and waning with sometimes being more stressful at home–lots of extra needs in my family with 3 boys and various forms of anxiety, adhd and autism running through. But usually in these times, I can at least count on the stability of knowing that I will know how to do my job well, and that will refresh me. When I am able to walk into a room, and really meet with families, especially those struggling with ADHD, anxiety or autism; when I really get to connect with them and allow them to feel seen and encouraged and to feel hope…Those are the moments that recharge me! They keep me coming back every day. I am still having those moments, maybe even more powerfully now with the intense struggles of distance learning, and the feelings of worthlessness it brings to these kids especially. When I am able to remind them of the areas where they are so amazingly creative and smart, their countenance truly changes, and I do see hope alive again in their eyes.

So why do I still feel unrest? Even after a day off when I usually am able to fill my bucket with all of the above, as well as spending time with my kiddos and my husband?

It has actually been the WW meeting that has helped me pinpoint my struggle the most. (And no, I don’t mean the weight! Yes, I have gained weight, and today the number was even higher since I actually had to wear clothes weighing in public, and with COVID you even have to wear shoes–I mean that had to add 10lbs right there, don’t you think???)

I realized that yes, I did feel a little bit encouraged after going to that meeting & being with those people, and I did learn some more science facts about weight and mindfulness (which I always love about WW–it is always backed by science). But, I also realized that the people who were there, in person, are mostly truly “back in the game” and excited and pumped up and on track.

And I realized I am NOT! I am NOT “back in the game” with everything all figured out and “balanced.”

And I don’t think I am ready to be.

Yes, I want to continue to be as healthy as I can possibly be–eating nutritious foods, giving my body physical activity, getting as much sleep as I can. I know these are all essential to functioning AT ALL in these crazy times!! But, I also know there is NO WAY I can put that extra pressure on myself right now of trying to LOSE weight, or even trying to keep track of points. It is just one thing I need to allow myself to let go of right now. And that is OKAY!

That phrase has been running through my mind for the past few weeks. I’ve wanted to post it on my FB page to encourage OTHER people, other friends.

“IT’S OK NOT to be OKAY!!!!!”

I DO want to say that to my friends, and my kids, and my patients, and my colleagues, and my family, and to our neighbors!

But, today, I’m speaking it to myself.

And guess what? As I say these words, and truly hear them, I realize that constantly trying to FIX the unrest feeling, or DO something more, has been causing even more unrest. But ALLOWING myself to just be here…to just say–or ADMIT–“I DO NOT have it all together,” NOT EVEN CLOSE? It is so freeing. In a strange way, I feel rest. And I CANNOT have it all together right now. It’s just not possible and it is just too much. But I will still do my best. And I will still love my kids. And I will still love my husband. And I will still try to encourage my friends, hopefully by saying these words to them too, “IT’s OK NOT to be OKAY!”

I know there is one more person who has been begging for me to hear that from Him too. Our pastor graciously reminded us of this again this past Sunday. When we feel like we are failing, we almost always want to try to fix it ourselves. We try to do better. We try to practice “religion” and follow the rules to make ourselves feel ok and to feel good. But we are never good enough. But JESUS! JESUS IS! HE loved us first, “while we were yet sinners.” (Romans 5:8) And HE LOVES US NOW, when we are NOT okay. When we DON’T have it all together. He died for us and for our sins. He loves us because we are HIS. And HE will never leave us or forsake us. HE will give us the strength and the power to make it through, and even to see JOY, in the midst of this mess.

IT is OK NOT to be okay!I hope you can allow yourself to hear that and truly believe it today…

Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the LORD: he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.”

“When my strength is spent…”

Amidst the nice, good memories/moments I’ve posted on social media over the past few weeks, we have also had some intensely explosive meltdowns in our home this season that have literally left us reeling. Triggers? Who knows—likely a combo of changing meds (again…), new and changing schedules/routines, the weather, flared asthma/allergies, mixed up sleep or eating, or just plain sin… Whatever has triggered them, we have at times literally been crying out loud, “I don’t know what to do anymore!!” All of the books we’ve read, the therapists we’ve visited, my professional training, the seminars we’ve gone to, the skills we’ve tried to use, sometimes still leave us feeling hopeless and helpless…and all alone.

In these moments, admittedly sometimes out of desperation (instead of doing this first!?), we have cried out to the Lord, begging for His presence and His wisdom…

And in His mercy, He has met us…

These verses (in the picture, and at the end of this post) were opening verses that “just happened to” be the openings of my readings the mornings after some of these meltdowns…

…comforting balm to my hurting heart.

We have received “out of the blue” texts and emails from friends who know us, love us and pray for us.

We have had times of unexpected quiet and peace in our days to refresh mentally and physically.

We have had “unexpected” financial benefits lift us up when we were wondering how will we…

And probably best of all, we have had moments of completely humbling ourselves, as we’ve cried together, having nothing left, but uniting our hearts as a team again, as we called out to the Lord…

God is good. All the time.

Humbly seeking His wisdom—this is where He wants us to be, in each of our unique situations.

To all of my fellow “SuperMoms” (a.k.a. “Special moms” and dads!)…

Know that I see you!!

We understand.

You are loved.

You are delighted in…by us,

but most of all, by Him!

“…Forsake me not when my strength is spent.” – Psalm 71:9

“…He rescued me, because He delighted in me.”

– Psalm 18:19

“You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.

You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.”

– Psalm 71:20-21

Summer “vacation”: A look back…and a look forward?

Summer.  Vacation.

Those are two very loaded words, aren’t they?  So much expectation!  For many, (maybe most?) they are full of excited anticipation.  Visions of sunshine and playtime and beaches and swimming and laughing and freedom and NO SCHOOL!   But for parents, especially parents of kids with special needs, those words may bring feelings of angst or overwhelm or maybe even dread…

I am thankful I am writing this near the end of summer.  I have survived June and July and already half of August!!  And I might even dare to say now, I have ENJOYED much of this summer!  Who knew?

Had I written during the first few weeks or month, this post may have had a less hopeful flavor.  In fact, here is a direct quote from an email I sent to a friend during that time, “I feel a giant blog post coming on about summer ‘vacation’ with 3 strong-willed boys and 2 firstborn parents!?!” (punctuated with a bunch of exasperated emojis!).

What makes summer so hard for some of us?  Well, first off, there is the complete loss of routine and the comfort that comes from knowing exactly what to expect and what will be happening next.  Instead, especially at the beginning of the summer, we have wide open space, and SO. MUCH. TIME.  Combine that with what I wrote to my friend–3 strong-willed kids and 2 firstborn parents (read: stubborn, “my way is the best way!”) and you have a million different opinions about how things should go, and a recipe for disaster unless you come up with some sort of plan!!!  Hold that thought…

And how about “vacation”?  I have recently heard a lot of different things about this word…”‘Vacation’ is just parenting in another location!”  “‘Vacation’ is just the same kind of work with a better view.”  And more recently, as I dive into the concept of REST (foreshadow for blogs coming soon…), I heard a speaker say, “We need to drop the idea of “vacation” from our concept of rest.” (Essentially, she is teaching that we need to learn & understand different ways to rest within our day to day lives.  But, you will have to wait for more on that…!)  I don’t mean to downplay vacation.  I really don’t.  Vacations as we know them, are important and fun ways to make great memories with our families and our friends!  And hopefully as we look back on them, we do have that “amnesia” (October blog post) that I have written about before, and all we remember are the fun moments…the laughter, the joy, the beautiful clips of the times things were working well, when we were using our best attributes, our strengths, and all our best attitudes were on display.  Those moments when most likely we were just being free, not worrying, not trying, not hyper-focusing on the “shoulds” and the goals and the “This is what we should be working on” lists.  Those moments when all of the hard work of the past year were hopefully shining through…and without even thinking about it, we were doing it!!  We were having fun just being together!!  Wait, maybe there IS freedom tucked inside that “vacation” word, even for special needs families!?!  We just have to choose to focus on those smaller chunks hidden inside some of the bigger calamity moments…

I’m sure we all had some of those moments too…those times when after a few days of your kids (& yourselves) being able to hold it together for the most part–acting and functioning normally while living amongst family or friends on “vacation”, and then…

…the dam broke loose…and there it was…

…the unleashing of the frustrations, maybe from the “back to reality” momentary realization of that unsettled feeling or out of control sensation when all of the routines are different…I don’t have my usual places to hide, my sources of retreat or comfort to run to…  I’m stuck in the middle of ALL.THESE.PEOPLE, and they expect me to act a certain way, and… I just can’t!!!

Or at least that’s how our kids (or we) might have felt in that moment.  And we suddenly forgot all of the calming techniques, breathing exercises, reminders to “use our words.” We retreated inside ourselves, or we lashed out with ugly disrespectful words, shouting, or kicking or screaming, or blatantly refused to do the next thing.  And all of a sudden, all eyes were on us, bewildered, wondering what in the world just happened?  What brought that on?  The feelings of judgment and shame and helplessness took our breaths away and we retreated more, or fell apart, or responded in our own ugliness and inability to hold it together any longer…

Then somehow, hopefully, we found enough strength and wisdom and energy to help bring it back to a breathable level, and we came back… to face the rest of those around us.

I’m leaving that vague on purpose…was it your child who lost it?  Or was it you?  Or both??  Was it really judgmental eyes that were on you, or was that your perception? Maybe, were they instead eyes of compassion and bewilderment, as they came to realize how hard it must be for you living your day to day life that the rest of the world typically doesn’t see… Or maybe their own eyes of helplessness, wondering what in the world could they do to support you in this?

I pray, and I KNOW, that there are those compassionate eyes and souls out there, hopefully in each one of our lives, who are willing to walk with us through those ugly moments.  Those friends, who after all of the dust settles, are willing to speak into your mess, with a quiet, “I’m sorry” if they may have had the wrong conclusion or had jumped in at the wrong time with unhelpful words.  Or those who, with a reassuring touch, or encouraging gentle reminder if they did see you turn things around, spoke quietly, “You’re doing the right thing…”  I believe those touches, those quiet words, those gentle assurances are the Lord’s way of reminding us, “I am with you.  I see you.  I will never leave you or forsake you.”  (Deut 31:8)  And they are also ways to show us WHO He may be using in each of our lives, helping us to see those who won’t shrink away when things are hard, those who are willing to stay by you when things are ugly and out of control.  Hopefully those are your family members, but even when they are not, I am willing to bet there are people in each one of our lives if we look and watch hard enough, that are willing to be there when we need them to be.

Whoa…I told you if I had written at the beginning of the summer, it would have had a less hopeful feel!?!  But, I promised a look back AND a look forward!  Yes, there have been incredibly hard parts about this summer.  But, as I do look back, both at pictures and in my memory loops, there are plenty of great things to hold onto, to cherish, and to use to move us forward.

Briefly, here is a quick list of things I think were helpful to make summer a success…things I want to be sure to remember for NEXT summer!

1) Realize and admit that yes, summer is hard for you or your family!

2) Surround yourself with people who understand and are willing to cheer you on, share ideas, and encourage you along the way (I am willing to be one of those people!!)

3) Make a loose overall plan for the summer, and get it out on paper.  We made 3 giant sized monthly calendars that ended up on our hallway door with all of our various activities.

    a) We are both working parents, so the first pass thru (which typically happens in ~April!!), is to make sure our kids are all accounted for on the days when we are both working!!

    b) The second & third passes thru are even more important in my mind…

Second pass thru–making sure there were at least a few days (or even a few chunks of hours) for just ME time–time for me to think or rest or write or read or go do something just for me.  Even though there were literally only ~3-4 of these chunks in our entire summer this year, just knowing I had at least those times to look forward to and be refreshed by, helped me to have a better, more giving attitude for my kids.

    c)  The third pass thru was hopefully the most fun…making sure there was at least one day for each kid to have their own day with just mom (or just dad, whichever the case may be), and then being able to clear our physical calendars and our mental agendas to be prepared to literally JUST BE with that child on that day, making him feel special–whether it was going somewhere or just having focused time and attention at home, or a combination of both, being present with my full being was enjoyable for them and very restful and soul-filling for me too!  (We also were lucky enough to have a few days with just the “littles” or just the “bigs” too.  It’s funny how taking away one child–no matter which one–just brings a different feel to the play, in a good way most of the time!)

4) Make a loose daily plan for the summer, and at least verbally share it with the kids, or write it out on clearly on paper too.  This just helps everyone to know what to expect and to be on the same page.  This means, when do they get screen time? What chores will they have to do and when? Will we have some quiet time each day?  Will we have outside time each day?  When will we be able to go somewhere or have friends over each day?  When will we have to do some “school pages” or reading time?  When we will have family time?  etc.

Doing just this little bit of planning truly helped us to have a lot of happy, smiling, joyful picture reels to look back on–both on my camera and in our minds–especially from each one of their special days!  Those one-on-one days will be the ones I cherish the most, hands down!!

There were, of course, still those days of everyone falling apart, feeling unsettled, with chaos ensuing and discouragement settling in.  There were still those weekends or “vacations” that left us feeling ready to come home.  But, even in those…maybe especially in those…I think there is hidden treasure, right?  Those moments, those feelings, remind us that we do feel most secure and most content at home!!  Or at least in the peace and comfort of our consistent routines!!!

So, let’s go create some new routines, right?  Oh wait, first I have one last special day to enjoy–I get to spend today with my middle boy!  We’re off to go watch some boats!!  His favorite thing to do, and for today…mine too.

I Choose Joy…the Ultimate Joy!

Self-care, joy, discouragement, fear, chocolate, the couch, Facebook, frustration, anger, hope, self-control, humility, grit, peace, life.  These are the words that are typically battling each other for control in my life on a day to day basis.  My heart, my mind, my soul, and my physical body, it seems, are constantly in a state of questioning, “Will this be a good day, when we win, we succeed, we do it, we arrive?”  Or, “Will we try hard again, and then ultimately mess up, give in and settle into discouragement or even despair?”  Left to myself, in my own strength, I will never have those good days…

It has taken me a long time to write this post.  Technically it is part 3, the final of the series in finding/choosing joy.  The other posts have allowed me to write about my kids’ struggles, or even my husband’s, but this one…I have had to dig deep and admit my own struggles and feelings of inadequacy.

This past December and January were particularly difficult for me.  I don’t even know why, really, as I write this in April.  The details are gone now, but I just remember everything seemed to be a struggle.  Every part of life was overwhelming.  The kids were in their usual states of neediness, I think we were going through yet another med change with one of them; our marriage was hard–we were coming out of my husband’s long, intense studying season, only to realize we had developed some unhealthy habits of not communicating well.  Trying to find a new normal was turning out to be more difficult than we had envisioned.  My work was stressful as it always is in cold & flu season, but there were other organizational changes going on, as well as terribly sad personal situations we were all grieving over as well.  In the midst of the cold, dark winter, I found myself defaulting to an annoyingly familiar pattern of my past…late nights on the couch by myself, the kids finally beautifully asleep after the always taxing bedtime dramas, and my early morning husband in a peaceful slumber having already used up all of his daytime hours.  Late nights, with worthless tv, too much Facebook, and too many snacks–mostly chocolate, but sometimes whatever was in the house. I knew I shouldn’t be eating any of it, but during the dark hours of alone time, logic, health and will power do not typically win.  My comfort was being sought in worthless idols of food that would never bring lasting peace or joy.  And in fact, I would frequently wake up miserable, both due to the continued difficult season, but also the essential “hangover effect” of eating such terrible foods!  Sluggish and grouchy would be how I would start my days.  Not a good feeling and not a good way to pour into a family who needs strength and encouragement…not a good way to honor the Savior we’ve taught our boys about.  It was a season of forgetting to call on the strength of the One who promised to be near us and to give us strength.

I have this plant in my sunroom.  I love it!  I think it is a peace lily, and it was given to us after my beautiful friend lost her battle to cancer.  The people who gave it to us had these vibrant orange butterflies set in it that always remind me of her–shining–no matter what kind of light was coming through–sunny or just overcast daylight.  But this plant…it is SO high maintenance!  Some days I will come look at it, and I think for sure it is dead.  It is so wilted and lifeless.  But, I have just a little bit of hope that it might come back to life.  In fact, I’ve seen it come back to life, so in this hope, I water it again.  A few hours go by, I forget about it, I glance over, and there it is…standing strong and tall again, renewed…

I’m sure you see where I am going with this.  This plant is like me, like all of us…so desperately needy, every single day, hour, minute.  We wilt in discouragement, we are tempted to despair and then a few drops of water, and we are brought back to life!

In my human weakness, I often get lost or overwhelmed in the details.  Life gets hard and confusing and cluttered. I think, “There must be a better way to organize, to schedule my time, to make sure I fit in work outs, have family game nights, regularly scheduled talk-time with my husband, and even fun date nights.  If I could just get this perfectly scheduled home and life, THEN I would have peace.”  My logical, and even my spiritual, brain knows this is an elusive thought that will never come to fruition.  I know that I can never have peace or even true happiness or joy without calling on the Lord and leaning into Him.  But, even in this, I fail.  I know that I DO feel His presence and renewed strength when I am able to quietly spend time in His word, or when I read soul filling stories of how He has worked in other godly men & women’s lives.  So, I think again, “Maybe if I can just consistently get up earlier than the boys each day, THEN I can have some quiet reading time to be refreshed and replenished, and THEN my day will go well, and I will be able to conquer all of these issues.”  Me, me, me, I, I, I…

But, then life happens.  Isn’t that a great phrase? Life happens.  Many of you have heard the stories of the crazy things my boys come up with to do, or have seen the pictures of our barely recognizable living room floor after they’ve had a string of their “creative days” and miles of hotwheels tracks, nerf gun turfs, or furniture obstacle courses have evolved to take over the peaceful orderliness (HA!) of our home.  Or I’ve told you the more difficult, painful stories of the blow-ups, the meltdowns, the frustrations over not having the right words or cognitive capabilities to control our emotional reactions, and the hurt and defeat that comes after those moments.  Or you’ve heard my woes of how I’ve tried to wake up early only to have one or all of them also wake up early and immediately begin poking at one another, bothering, pestering, loudly resisting one another–all coming through the monitor next to my bed as I try to “rest” in the scriptures I’m trying to read that morning…

Christians call this the battle between the “already” and the “not yet”.  We have been saved by the blood of Christ, and we WILL enter His glorious presence one day when He will wipe away every tear and everything sad will come undone…but right here, right now, we are in the “not yet”…waiting for that future time to come.  (Rev. 21:4)

How do we pick ourselves up on those days? How do we keep from sitting on the couch, eating a whole bag of M&M’s (I mean not really…who does that?  I for sure leave at least a handful just to say I didn’t eat the whole bag!?!!?  Ugh…)  How do I pick myself up?  I don’t.  I am like that wilted plant.  But…I know the One who can.  I REMEMBER that He has picked me up before.  I CALL upon His name.  I SEEK His strength and His presence.  I TRUST that I have seen this before.  I have seen this wilted plant stand up strong and vibrantly, once again replenished by Him. (Psalm 105:1-5)

And I watch, and I look for the little reminders of His grace, the little silver linings that are there amidst the difficulties…

…when my son with autism has the “throw ups”, but at the same time is finally able to have enough body awareness to know it is coming and make it to the bathroom every time!

…when I receive a sweet text from a friend, just saying she was thinking about me and praying for me, after I had shared something during a group time the day before.

…when somehow my boys DO actually sleep in long enough for me to soak in some much needed scripture and maybe even have enough time to write a verse on a notecard, and then to even be able to use it later in my own text to a friend who is struggling…

…when there is snow or illness or schedule change that results in unexpected open time, and we are actually able to have 5 minutes of happy and engaged time playing a game together as a family (doesn’t matter if the 10 minutes before and the 15 minutes after are full of chaos or arguing or struggles…those 5 minutes of smiles and joy and conversation are the gift!)

…when I am able to keep my boots on, (literally) and force myself to go for a walk around the block in the sunshine before I go inside to get sucked into the “to do” lists and messes and dishes and meal planning…and the sunshine warms my face and my favorite praise songs come into my earbuds and renew my soul…

And then, soon, the little reminders even merge into some big reminders…

…when I am able to go to a full day for “special moms” that is full of other women, moms, wives who “get it”, and we have a whole hour and a half for lunch (which feels even longer because the food is prepared for us, and we get to eat it while it is still warm, and the other moms don’t ask me to cut their food for them!!), and we talk over each other because we are so excited, and it just feels so good to be understood, and feel heard, and be known, and we just want to share more and more and be encouraged and be the encouragers to others who may be just beginning the journey…

…when I am able to get away even for 24 hours with my gift of a husband who has somehow gotten placed onto the back burner in the upside down frenzy of life, and we realize it is not actually our marriage that is struggling, we really do love each other and it really is easy to connect, it is just all those other little people that get in the way!?!?!  and we truly get to take a few moments walking together in the fresh air, and enjoying the beautiful peaceful environment and architecture of our overnight setting, and actually have extended conversations to talk and dream and laugh…

And then all of a sudden, back at home, back in my reality, I see that all of those little reminders have merged into big reminders, and have created rhythms of actual peace being restored, and…

…I realize I have never been alone…

My sweet Savior has been there the whole time, fulfilling His promises to never leave me or forsake me.  In fact, He has gone before me, preparing the way, and He has been there helping me, upholding me.  (Deut 31:8, Isaiah 41:10) These reminders are all Him, my life-giving, redeeming Savior, who sees me and knows me intimately. (Psalm 139) His life story reminds me that He truly understands.  He came not as a king, but as a helpless baby who needed to be cared for.  (Luke 2)  He didn’t hang out with the popular gang…He chose to be friends with and love on a rag tag bunch of sinners and outcasts and broken people that He encouraged and taught and accepted for who they were.  And when He left, they REMEMBERED all that He had shown them and taught them, and how He had loved them despite their weaknesses.  And they poured into others, and reminded them of the truths that He had taught them.

We are given their stories in His Word–stories full of ups and downs and successes and failures.  But all throughout the Bible stories, and in my own life, the only way we are able to persevere through difficult times, and even in routine day to day life, is not by pulling up our boot straps and digging deeper to find more grit, but by becoming more humble and admitting our weaknesses, and crying out in neediness. Then, we can be filled up with His living words, and His life-giving Spirit, and His strength.  (Psalm 107, Psalm 34)

Apart from knowing Jesus, we have no hope.  (John 15) We are my wilted plant.  But, when we see and savor Jesus and what He did on the cross, dying and paying for our sins and our missteps once and for all…THEN, we can REST in His finished work, as He himself proclaimed from the cross, “It is finished!”  We can continue to take the next step, face the next challenge, and stand strong and full of life, confidently and peacefully knowing that we are not alone.

THIS is the ultimate self-care…the Ultimate JOY!

Psalm 105:4 “Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!”

For further encouragement:

“Broken Things” by Matthew West

“Worn” by Tenth Avenue North

“I Have This Hope” by Tenth Avenue North

“Glimpses of Grace: Treasuring the Gospel in the Home” by Gloria Furman

https://www.amazon.com/Glimpses-Grace-Treasuring-Gospel-Your/dp/1433536056/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1523403852&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=glimpses+of+grace+floria+furman